Want to separate from a family member with BPD

[NBer]

I have a sibling with untreated, but diagnosed severe BPD. Following the most resent episode, I have come to the painful realisation that for my own mental and physical health, I need to permanently separate from this person and focus my attention on supporting and protecting my nephew. I realise this seems harsh, but I do not want to share details of the horrendous and ongoing devastation this person has caused to our family and others. They also refuse to seek or engage in treatment. The issue I have is extreme guilt, not only for wanting to permanently separate, but also because I am so much happier and relaxed since making this decision. The other issue is that my mother does not understand my position as I have been the key support for this person, and this is causing friction and a deterioration in our relationship.  I have looked around for support through this process but have not been able to find any. I have looked at Spectrum but other than information about carer self care, there is no information on point. I cannot afford to see a counsellor about this at the moment. I’m wondering if others have made this painful decision and what supports they were able to locate. Thank you

[indigo22]

Hi NBer,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us.

I can relate a great deal to your situation as I separated myself from my sister many years ago. I am sorry you are going through this, it's never an easy thing to decide to put yourself first, we are not taught to do that so it feels wrong some how. In reality, we can't take care of anyone else until we take care of ourselves first.

You really don't have anything to feel guilty about, although I know we can go down that road for a time, please try to listen to your body and not your emotions, there is a reason you are relieved by your decision. Sometimes it gets to a point where enough is enough.

My sister is a narcissist so I can imagine the types of behaviour you are alluding to and I found the same thing with my family not really getting it when I broke ties. My sister never got any help because she denies there is anything wrong with her, whatever happens is someone else's fault. Just because a person is related to us, does not mean we must put up with everything they dish out. I am proud of you for recognising that.

Regarding your question about support: I know that Centrelink have social workers that you can see free of charge, however I am unsure if you need to be on a payment to access them. It is definitely worth looking into. There are also mental health nurses or social workers available at a lot of GP clinics, so that may be another avenue for you. I will also ask the moderators if they have any suggestions for you.

You will find the helplines very supportive when you need to talk, it is why they are there so please make use of them. If you go to the top of the page, click on the 'Immediate Support' button and that will give you the number to call at Beyond Blue. If you would like some other helpline numbers as well, just let me know.

I will post again if I think of any other avenues for you.

Please feel free to continue this conversation if you are comfortable doing so.

Take care,

indigo

[quirkywords]

NBer

Thanks for your post and for being honest.

Just clarifying you mean Borderline personality disorder.

I knew someone with bpd who I emailed and I needed to distance myself as I was getting negative words every day and more.