How do I toughen up mentally

[Ralb]

Over 20 years ago my now ex wife suffered what I believe was post natal depression.

She had wild moods swings and ended up "falling in love " with a woman overseas whom she met on a Johhny depp fan forum.

To cut a long story short to get me out of the picture so she could connect with this woman my life was turned upside down.

I was regularly have police interview me about alleged assaults, she also reported me to DOCS and police (reported this incident 5 years after it allegedly happened). I went to extreme lengths to prove my innocence (I moved interstate without telling her and allegations were made about me physically intimidating her and finally police stopped taking her seriously and gave her a warning about wasting police time when knowing she would make a complaint about me on my birthday i sat in a police station waiting room to ensure I had a water tight alabi..

I left her keep the house, paid thousands of dollars a month in maintenance and paid off the mortgage. I did this to hopefully show my daughter i am a good man.

It's now 18 years later and during this time I saw my business destroyed thanks to Victoria criminal knockdowns. My daughter is brainwashed about how evil i am.

I have been living in my car and cooking on a small gas cooker and I park near beachside amenities. This has been the case since COVID. I had no money to make support payments so she sold a house for $3.5m and brought a replacement for $2m so they have plenty of money.

In my situation with the bank seizing them business assets and garnisheeing a large amount of my now salary and crap credit history i can't get a home. It's impossible to meet people in my situation and even if I did they would ask me about my circumstances and frankly it's embarrassing.

I have played mind tricks for years.. planning for a better future, reconnecting with my daughter etc but it's hit me now that's impossible

I have had to resign from jobs outlet of embarrassment as if the ex finds out where I work she sends my employer vile lies about me.

Police are not interested 

I would never self harm as its against religious beliefs and I believe you do the right thing in this life then the next life will bring rewards.

So what I'm need is advice on how to be mentally tough enough to accept my situation and fight my way though it.

Thank you

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm sorry for the terror you've been through. I can relate on issues like- daughter turned against me (my youngest), revenged, not respecting my good will, paying extra to "do the right thing" only to be taken advantage of and so on. That was my 1st wife and immediately after we separated I built my own kit home and through myself into dating. I was lucky, it worked out for me in the long run. I'm sensitive and have bipolar autism and depression etc but not known then when I was with my ex-wife.

Ok, you've painted an accurate picture and that helps. I have a number of comments. 

1. You cant "toughen up" it isnt in your nature. Same as a parent that demands you have patience- patience isnt on supermarket shelves. Better to embrace you good heart and love it.
2. The evil people of the world are widespread whether they be narcissists, selfish, revengeful... they are best avoided and hopefully over time your ex will give up her chase.
3. By supplying so much equity to her you should (regardless of legal obligation) be satisfied you have supported your daughter the best you can. 
4. Disregard getting a "home". Those days look like they are unrealistic now. Instead goals should be reachable and minor in comparison. Eg a caravan, then a better one and so on.
5. Employment is possible with grander scope eg what about outback work? No ties makes this possible.

Back in 1976 I picked up a hitchhiker and he'd left home (one toddler) - he was depressed. With no plans he stayed with me in Adelaide for 2 weeks then secured a job as a cooks assistant in a large sheep station. 6 months later he told me he's future looked rosy. Another guy I know did fruit picking- Shepparton in the spring then Cairns in the autumn and accommodation is provided in those orchards. Your talents will shine and positions will come to you from management. 

The suffering she has put upon you is enormous, but you are still here and you are a good guy, that is enough to build on. As your daughter is estranged is there any reason to remain nearby? If further away there's no reason for her to track you down.

Your good heart is a gift. Without my sensitivity I couldnt write my poetry. I embrace it. My ex, so sad she doesnt have it nor kindness.

Repost anytime I'd be happy to chat on. 

TonyWK

[Ralb]

Thanks Tony for input

A job is not a problem. I earn a decent wage. I am unable to do physical work due to injuries incurred but my gross wage is above average

The issue is I loose nearly 60% of what I earn,.tax, bankruptcy trustee,.enforced payment plans for covid breaches  while living on my business premises and child support agency as daughter is.a full time student under 25. Then with a medical condition that requires medicines not registered under PBS it really drains every cent I have. Unfortunately as I don't qualify for any Centrelink benefits there is no assistance.

As i not only felt abandoned by the system but had the system seemingly try to break me to numb your emotions with anger made me not care about myself and that has worked for the last 15 years plus.

Hence my question about mentally toughening up.

Thanks for your efforts 

[Ralb]

PS...I literally have no money for dating. Further a car full  of personal chattels is not a good look for a prospective date.

My.ex had and would continue to contact any person or employer I deal with with emails from fake Google accounts telling stories that make me a social pariah, so friendships are impossible

[white knight]

Thanks for the clarification, often we get the full picture after a few posts.

On the topic of bankruptcy, if that is how it is looking, its not such a bad thing. It lasts 3 years and you still have a small line of credit capacity for essentials if needed. An old friend went bankrupt and it was one of the better ways to go especially after years of him trying to manage, the court recognised this and in fact didnt make him repay anything in his case. . Again it is a good reason to visit a financial adviser. 

Years ago my medication wasnt under the PBS and cost a small fortune. I eventually changed meds to one that was, turned out more effective. Consider a chat to your GP - it could help.

I understand about your direction with "mentally toughening up" and I hope I made it clear as to why you cant. Its explained in a metaphor I repeated here- https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/accepting-yourself-the-frog-and-the-scorpion/td-p/1... . Unfortunately the "system" doesnt provide for cost of meds, personal circumstances eg child support, your unusual business situation or your stalking practices by your ex. All these issues fall through the cracks and "systems" cant cater for all of these special unique even, life situations. So you can only change what you can change and each change will make a profound alteration for the better. But having the expectation of yourself to alter your personality to "toughen up" is suggesting you are to blame for being soft, that is not, in my view, productive to being kind to yourself. It is a form of blame. Reading your posts, you deserve better than that, your efforts to pay for your daughter and basic survival is astonishing so pat yourself on the back and try to embrace yourself for your attempts to cover all the expenses. On the other hand the situation isnt sustainable, change is needed and whether that means bankruptcy, meds change or any other changes which are hard to accept, radical changes needs to occur.

As for your ex and her stalking techniques, keep a diary and keep trying to live life as if she doesnt exist. Not easy but my ex and other family members with narcissistic tendencies no longer occupy my brain cells.

Also google - queen, witch, hermit waif. That might give some idea of what you've been up against.

I'm here daily

TonyWK

[Ralb]

Hi Tony

Form what it's worth

I am bankrupt and trustee appointed by Victorian office of state revenue takes a chunk of my wage. The standard term is 3 years and 1 day but my trustee keeps extending the time due to an argument about preferential payments made to a bank and i am caught in crossfire. During this process I even approached my local state MP office in Victoria given this financial disaster was triggered by his government lockdown and this clown did nothing. Very ironic in that this same hypocrite has specific ministerial task for mental health and changing mens behaviours. I know in my heart he did nothing to help as through my honesty he labelled me as a woman basher and therefore brushed men aside. He failed to.answer 7 emails asking for specific assistance after our meeting and promises made in meeting never actioned..

I have spoken a range of doctors and all say there is no alternative meds.

I understand finance and finance laws but my bankruptcy has destroyed any chance of senior positions.

Anyhow I will be okay. .writing all this has been carthatoc and it makes me realise what maggots people like my ex and the useless lying local.member will have a horrible existence in the afterlife.and that gives me huge satisfaction.

I will be fine Tony. I will never self harm. When God.calls.time on me that will be the time

[white knight]

I'm glad, happy you found some benefit. You can return at your pleasure. This is one of my poems and I'll leave you with it.

TonyWK

COMMITTEES AND CORRUPTION

 Top hats and tails of the creatures born

 clique of a kind seek outsiders torn

 To tear the heart of Samaritans of vision

out numbered by poppies that make decisions

 And the trumpets blast as the cocoon has split

 to reveal the butterfly with a woody wit

 to call upon those with chests, no medals adorn

Top hats and tails of the creatures born

 With whispers over café dribble and fire

Quasi council with no tuxedo attire

 Squash the Samaritan with a sharp whack

 Only when the butterfly has turned his back

 That’s the way the culture goes down

 Pitter patter when not around

 lust for power and hearts are torn

 Top hat without tails of the creatures born

 And the bees play trumpets and the birds still sing

 that’s what nature always brings

 Meeting place dormant no meeting a fire

 whispers go on…without tuxedo attire…

 Come here to us , new to the land

 speak and tell us of your plan

 We are the ones no medals adorn

 Top hats no tails of the creatures born...

TonyWK