Hi, welcome
I'm saddened to hear of your struggles with your wife. We do get a lot of partners writing in for help when their spouse doesnt attend to any mental health issues. It could be stigma "nothing wrong with me" or within a marriage worse- "nothing wrong with me you're the one with the problem" attitude.
Either way we need to set the record straight- if they got an assessment/diagnosis and there was nothing wrong then no harm done so there really is no excuse.
When "carers" often spouses look after those with issues mentally it is a tough gig. It is far worse when they are in denial and I've had this with a family member, my mother actually and 14 years ago had to take the drastic action of cutting ties.
When a spouse with issues begins to dish out abuse its another level entirely. What is the definition of abuse? it ranges from verbal manipulation to physical unwanted touching and everything in between. Clearly you are being abused and here's the thing, the level of abuse is so toxic that you seek defense inside a wardrobe!. I also noticed you used the word "selfish" and that alone is an indication of lack of consideration which is intolerable for most people as the union is to consider each other.
So, your last attempt is up to you. I could suggest a family counsellor. If you tried that but she wont attend then go alone and seek assistance for how you can manage her or the easiest form of separation. Separation regardless of how toxic the relationship has become is still very taxing on you. I've been through it 3 times.
However you might choose to leave so I suggest the following once you have made your decision-
- Be decisive, make your decision and stick to it
- Promises things will change rarely last very long
- Dont be drawn into arguments
- Have an abode ready to move into
- Dont separate by text, face to face.
- If you fear abuse then have the local police aware that you intend to break the news to her at ... (supply time). Then if you face retaliation and you are afraid ring them and tell them you are hiding or are having issues with her, they will attend and protect your rights to leave with bare essentials.
- Worry about splitting the assets at a later date
- Seek out a family lawyer to secure your portion of the estate
- Take the option of endorsement of your separation by a magistrate of you are not legally married which prevents future attempts to seek more from you.
- Allow yourself several months to recover
- Get a post box for any documents etc she/her lawyer want to send
- If you are harassed, you'll need to seek legal advice of a court order.
Your mental well being is crucial now. The treatment you are getting is not ok.
We are here if you need to talk. Post anytime and champions and other caring members will answer you when we log on. Remember, the police are sometimes needed in such situations as some behaviours are not ok.
Please dont feel guilty, you are not at fault.
TonyWK
