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[Anzee]

Hi I’ve been aware that my partner has a temper for most of our relationship and there was a time that he was really bad and our eldest was only little and I left him but he saw a dr (once) said he was better and was really good for a few months BUT every time he’s stressed out for any reason he takes it all out on us and I have tried talking to him calmly and I recently had to face some memories of childhood trauma I went through after having a trigger and it really messed me around emotionally, I have a psychologist and she was very encouraging and supportive but my partner just refused to take on some extra responsibilities to help me get through this tough time and he was constantly yelling at me in front of the kids because he was getting frustrated I wasn’t able to function at the same level I had been before or he’s yelling at the kids for something very small or sometimes even just for being too loud or for crying so the kids attached themselves to me once again and I ended up telling my psychologist I couldn’t go through with my referral for the appropriate trauma treatment we had spent weeks getting my courage up to attend but once I knew my kids weren’t feeling happy and safe without my full support and attention I couldn’t go through with it. Anyways my question is about his temper around and to the kids, so at the moment he loses his temper at least once a day and swears a lot when he’s yelling and using profanity but not swearing at them, is this behaviour ok? am I just overthinking/ exaggerating the situation? He has said countless times over the years he is going to change and stop yelling but as of yet he has not been successful for more than a few months. Ive just put too much thought into it and now have myself worried that his reactions to something as simple as one of them feeling upset and crying and him yelling at them to stop crying and stop being such a sook is damaging them and causing mental issues down the track. The last thing I want is to let anything jeopardise their health and happiness but I’m not sure if I’m just overthinking and overreacting.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Anzee, thanks for reaching out to the Beyond Blue forums. We are so sorry to hear your situation and we can understand your concern for the impact it may have on your childrens wellbeing. It does not sound like you're overthinking or overreacting. From what you are saying, it sounds like you are experiencing domestic/family violence and we know it can be very difficult to live with abuse. Please know that you are strong, valuable and you have a right to live free from abuse.

We would strongly urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au/  If you feel up to it, we'd also encourage you to reach out to our Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of our friendly counsellors will be able to give you support as well as advice and referrals to help you.

Please check in and let us know how you are going whenever you feel up to it.
 

[Anzee]

I just don’t feel like it is abuse and if it only involved me I wouldn’t think anything of it but it’s the kids that I worry about and how reliant they have become of me again, I had finally put into place that I get my own space when I’m in my room doing meditation or anything but since this temper storm has really settled in they just won’t leave my side and I don’t want to make them if they’re not comfortable but I wish he could see that him yelling at them so much scares them and pushes them away from him and then he gets frustrated because they won’t go to or with him. I don’t know I’d just hate to find out that the way he treats them isn’t ok and I have allowed it to happen for so long. I guess having experienced severe childhood trauma myself, it breaks me to even imagine my kids going through anything even remotely close to the anxiety and mental health issues I have experienced because it’s so so hard and scary and exhausting and I would never ever want them to feel this amount of pain. So I think I’m extra observant and vigilant to anything that may affect them or their mental state and then when something does affect them I get a bit overprotective of them.

[Anzee]

The more I Ended up contacting 1800respect via web chat and gave them some examples of the way he talks to the kids and he agreed with what you said that it is dv, I’m still struggling a little bit to accept that term but because it is about my kids and he even said they were showing signs of anxiety as a result already which absolutely broke my heart but it made me realise that I need to do something about it so I am going to talk to my psychologist about it on Wednesday and see if she can give me some advice and help me come up with some steps I can take to try and make things better for the kids. Thanks for your advice and support

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

I'm very glad you have met Sophie_M here in this thread and have been able to contact 1800 Respect. Although I've read your other posts I'm unsure as to the nature of the trauma you suffered when young, and also hope your recent operation has turned out well.

When one has a relationship one expects ups and downs, and if your own childhood was an unhappy or mistreated one it can be hard to see the balance a good relationship will have.

It is never good for one partner to act in such a way that children instinctively look to the other for protection and comfort, both parents should, simply motivated by love by love, nurture and protect equally.

Please do not blame yourself over this, as I say, without an example to think back on balanced judgment is just about impossible.

Instead think of all the actions of love you have given that make the children seek you out, and the determination you are showing in not only getting your own past dealt wiht -an act of sheer bravery, but are taking steps here to make things right.

Please let us know how you get on

Croix

[Anzee]

Thank you for your reply 😊

my childhood trauma wasn’t from my family, it was from a friend of my parents and as the abuse happened over several years I don’t remember much about my childhood but my parents were both very kind hearted people. My dad died when I was 11 leaving my mum alone with 7 kids (6 maybe 5 still living at home) so my family life was fine as a child but once I realised that what was happening with the family friend I spiralled out of control and have had a lot of hate and shame for myself over all the disruptive, reckless and out of control behaviours I had through my teens and early 20’s.

i only blame myself because I let it happen and deep down I felt like it wasn’t ok but always played it down like still to this day I literally had to ask if that kind of behaviour is ok because I make excuses and play it down which is just as terrible and unsupportive for them. I e obviously got a lot of work ahead of me to try and make things right but I appreciate your advice and support 😊

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

I'm glad you had loving parents and am only sorry your dad passed away when you were at such a young and vulnerable age.

I suspect that in some way that other person took advantage of you, injuring you in the process. Here I mean mental injury.

One thing I seem to see is that just about everybody blames themselves for that injury, e'en though they were the victim. The is always some sort of excuse the mind can dredge up to blame oneself.

I can see straight away your are doing some important things quite right. The first is being a loving haven for your kids, if they see you instinctively as a source of love and protection -comfort and happiness, then you are doing OK.

The second is finding out that your relationship is an abusive one harming your kids and you.

Now that you know the facts have you discussed what you might do -and if you have any support, maybe one of your family, to help?

Croix

[Guest_3256]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

I am sorry to hear of your situation and I imagine how difficult this must be to experience. It sounds like your is quite frustrated and possibly temperamental about your situation. I know from personal experience that sometimes it can be too overwhelming when a partner becomes mentally unstable or experiences difficulties and it can really impact on then family routine and dynamic. The best thing to do is not too blame your partner for your difficulties. You should own your difficulties, however, at the same time, he needs to be supportive.

[Anzee]

Hi Croix,

I am planning to talk through it with my psychologist On Wednesday because my mind is still going back and forth with how I feel about it and whether I would take it as far as calling it abuse I just feel like using that term makes it sound more serious than it is but also either way he does need to work on his temper but I honestly don’t know how to approach him about it because I feel like I’ve tried every way I can think of and every time he says this time is it he will change I give in because I know he’s trying and means well and before you know it we’re back at the yelling again. I’m not ready to talk to family and friends about it yet because I want to hear what my psych has to say about it first 😊

[Anzee]

Thanks for your advice, I’m definitely not trying to blame my partner for my problems and mental instability as I know they come from my childhood trauma and many other events in my life, I just don’t feel comfortable with the way he talks to and reacts to the kids over small and insignificant reasons so I just want to be sure it’s not going to harm my kids mentally if he continues to talk to and treat them the way he does because as I said earlier I would never want them to experience mental illness especially anxiety to the extent I have.