Unsure

[Anzee]

Hi I’ve been aware that my partner has a temper for most of our relationship and there was a time that he was really bad and our eldest was only little and I left him but he saw a dr (once) said he was better and was really good for a few months BUT every time he’s stressed out for any reason he takes it all out on us and I have tried talking to him calmly and I recently had to face some memories of childhood trauma I went through after having a trigger and it really messed me around emotionally, I have a psychologist and she was very encouraging and supportive but my partner just refused to take on some extra responsibilities to help me get through this tough time and he was constantly yelling at me in front of the kids because he was getting frustrated I wasn’t able to function at the same level I had been before or he’s yelling at the kids for something very small or sometimes even just for being too loud or for crying so the kids attached themselves to me once again and I ended up telling my psychologist I couldn’t go through with my referral for the appropriate trauma treatment we had spent weeks getting my courage up to attend but once I knew my kids weren’t feeling happy and safe without my full support and attention I couldn’t go through with it. Anyways my question is about his temper around and to the kids, so at the moment he loses his temper at least once a day and swears a lot when he’s yelling and using profanity but not swearing at them, is this behaviour ok? am I just overthinking/ exaggerating the situation? He has said countless times over the years he is going to change and stop yelling but as of yet he has not been successful for more than a few months. Ive just put too much thought into it and now have myself worried that his reactions to something as simple as one of them feeling upset and crying and him yelling at them to stop crying and stop being such a sook is damaging them and causing mental issues down the track. The last thing I want is to let anything jeopardise their health and happiness but I’m not sure if I’m just overthinking and overreacting.

[Anzee]

Hey Croix,

thanks for been there to reply when I was in crisis mode. I was pretty anxious and overwhelmed after not being able to chat with 1800respect. I just work myself up if I can’t process uncomfortable feelings. I was still feeling pretty anxious and uneasy for some of today but I am feeling a lot better now.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

I can understand the feeling of having no backup when support is not there as it has been, and am glad you now calmer.

You will get there

Croix

[Anzee]

My psych was really supportive as usual but I was still having panic attacks about it and dealing with my decisions on my own. Last weeks apt had really got me questioning things and I was starting to see more dots connecting and his behaviour becoming more clear. I tried to keep pushing it away so I wasn’t stuck with the doubts, questions and overwhelming thoughts but my brain wasn’t giving up so I contacted safe steps who had a web chat and they were very clear about his behaviour being abusive and talked about the negative impact it has on the kids with him yelling at them so often so that hurt reading that no matter how nice he can be and how much he apologises it still has a strong negative impact on their thoughts and development. She also wasn’t judging about it or anything just kept reassuring me that they’re there to support me day or night. My partner is away for the week and he had tried calling while I was on web chat, started an argument through text so I decided it was time to stand up to him and not just hide in my shell and accept the blame. He did a lot of denying and short angry responses but then he’d always go back to the apologies and pity story and although it was so so hard not to accept his promises of love and change and happiness I managed to stick out the tough act. He said he’d leave if that’s what I wanted and instead of replying I didn’t I said that was his decision on whether he went through with getting the professional help he needs and has been promising. It really was hard not to give in when he was taking the blame and apologising for everything but I knew things needed to change as guilty as it made me feel. I don’t know how I’m going to stick to him getting help or leaving but I feel like I’ve made a start.

[Anzee]

Hi Croix,

we left thanks to a follow up call from a DV service.

I have had all the classics from him since we left which has been a massive eye opener including the crisis call from him where I had to talk him down from his dark thoughts. I am still feeling a lot of guilt for the hurt he’s going through right now but I know I’ve done the right thing and I just have to keep reminding myself that. I’m already planning to live apart from him after this accommodation so I think that’s one of the reasons it took me so long to leave because I had to be ready to leave properly and be sure I could be strong enough to get through all his tricks to try and get me/ us back. I have met up with him a few times for the kids but he just stayed with me trying to tell me his big changes and plans and the kids kept asking him to play with them I even had to tell him to go and play with the kids because that’s what we were there for. I did have a risk assessment done yesterday and they have advised me not to see him or let the kids see him and children’s services had to be contacted once I told them of the exposure and experience of abuse towards the kids, that was one of the hardest parts of the whole thing and all I could ask was how it was going to effect him and will he get a record etc, I have since realised how caught up I was in his control and am trying so so hard to focus only on the kids and don’t carry that guilt for him anymore.

Thanks for sticking around as a sounding board when I was going through the most confusing and overwhelming part of the relationship.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

I'm most impressed how you have handled this matter, you have managed to make the break, something many other simply cannot do.

I'm sure 1800RESPCT will have been thogh everything with you practically as well as legally. Already however perhaps it is as well to realise that there can come periods of self doubt, and also a burning wish for things ot go back to what seemed a great start to your relationship.

Both are of course totally misleading misleading, you have done what needed to be done -that simple.

May I suggest you do stick to that risk assessment, while it may seem kinder in the sort term to let him have contact with the kids it simply opens up too many doors, your kid's attitudes for a start.

Please feel free to talk here about anything you wish, we will care and do what we can to give you the support you need.

If you could find a local support group that would be great, those organizations you have rung already may know of one locally, as might our 24/7 Help Line (1300 22 4636). Being actually with others who are having the same experience can realy help.

Croix

[Anzee]

Hey Croix,

it was definitely a big step but deep down I knew it was what needed to happen, I just wasn’t ready or strong enough but then the orange door gave me a follow up call at the right time when I was really questioning his behaviour and they said let’s just organise a two week stay even if it’s just for a wake up call but in the 5 days we’ve been gone I’ve realised the extent and depth of his abuse and the effects on the kids so as much as he promises he is/ will get better I know I can’t go back to him until he’s at least been committed to his new found professional help for a few months and is showing steady signs of improvement.

The risk assessment has been emailed to my orange door worker so I’m sure I’ll get a call from her today about it all and what steps come next etc. I am feeling super nervous especially with children’s services involved and I really don’t know how I’m feeling about it but I know I just have to stay strong for the kids and focus on what they need and what’s best for them after such a long time of ignoring that for them because I was so caught up in meeting his wants and needs.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

It is not an easy time, and doubts are your worst enemy, though I think you have got beyond that stage.

Realizing how bound up you were by him is a big thing to come to terms with , and acting for your kids is just right, and also a sort of cure.

I too would expect more will come of that risk assessment and I'm glad Orange Door is helping just when you need that help.

Hang in there, you have my admiration

Croix