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[Anzee]

Hi I’ve been aware that my partner has a temper for most of our relationship and there was a time that he was really bad and our eldest was only little and I left him but he saw a dr (once) said he was better and was really good for a few months BUT every time he’s stressed out for any reason he takes it all out on us and I have tried talking to him calmly and I recently had to face some memories of childhood trauma I went through after having a trigger and it really messed me around emotionally, I have a psychologist and she was very encouraging and supportive but my partner just refused to take on some extra responsibilities to help me get through this tough time and he was constantly yelling at me in front of the kids because he was getting frustrated I wasn’t able to function at the same level I had been before or he’s yelling at the kids for something very small or sometimes even just for being too loud or for crying so the kids attached themselves to me once again and I ended up telling my psychologist I couldn’t go through with my referral for the appropriate trauma treatment we had spent weeks getting my courage up to attend but once I knew my kids weren’t feeling happy and safe without my full support and attention I couldn’t go through with it. Anyways my question is about his temper around and to the kids, so at the moment he loses his temper at least once a day and swears a lot when he’s yelling and using profanity but not swearing at them, is this behaviour ok? am I just overthinking/ exaggerating the situation? He has said countless times over the years he is going to change and stop yelling but as of yet he has not been successful for more than a few months. Ive just put too much thought into it and now have myself worried that his reactions to something as simple as one of them feeling upset and crying and him yelling at them to stop crying and stop being such a sook is damaging them and causing mental issues down the track. The last thing I want is to let anything jeopardise their health and happiness but I’m not sure if I’m just overthinking and overreacting.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

Please do not worry overmuch about waht you can say and remember, it will come back in drabs and drabs as it has for me. It's hard not to sweep things away and trivialize them, again no surprise. Rely upon that email for a start.

I'm hoping your actions have motivated him enough not only to make an appointment but stick with it and try. A lot depends on his love I guess.

Croix

[Anzee]

As I’m sure I’ve mentioned many times I am so impatient and want everything to happen overnight and if it doesn’t I put it in the too hard basket, so I am really struggling to not remember overnight and keep jumping straight to ok nothing else happened get over and move on. I’ve even thought about telling my psych I don’t want to go through with casa anymore, it’s ridiculous! Once I get something in my mind it’s a race against myself to see who wins and it’s never the patient, rational me!

I turned a corner over the weekend and I think it was due to having an absolute breakdown and feeling like it was all too much and I couldn’t cope so I ended up crying to my mum and begging her to tell me it wasn’t my fault and cried to my younger sister apologising for all of my behaviour and what I put her through so soon after we lost our dad so I think that was a huge turning point.

My first session with casa was ok but I feel like we’ve got two different ideas what I’m doing this for. I also felt like she did make a bigger deal of my partner’s behaviour than it is. Like I do accept it’s a problem now but she said a lot about needing safety while I’m doing this and she kept mentioning an escape plan, which I just don’t feel is necessary, it’s been a very long time since he’s done more than yell and I don’t think he would ever do it again, he still holds a lot of guilt for it today.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

It may be that you and the CASA councilor were at cross purposes, though you do have to remember what may seem normal to you is over the top to the vast majority.

I'd re-think the idea of an escape plan for two reasons, the first is that if you have needed one once, which by the sound of it was fair wile ago, then there is a (small) chance you might again. A few extra lifeboats on a ship can't hurt.

The second is a sense of independence and control, something that will allow you to deal with matters with more equanimity.

The other matter, talking to your mum and sister and heaping all the blame on yourself. Seeing you in distress rather than your words would have been the main thing, and who knows what effect that will have. If either have been in some way abused it may actually help to see you struggling - but getting there.

Plus the opportunity to help you, even if only by listening, may help with any feelings of guilt you mother might have.

Do you think this is possible?

Please hang in there and stop expecting a quick fix, you a human being, not an automobile or washing machine, you will get there and we would like to know how you get on.

Croix

[Anzee]

Yeah I know I have to give it time and connect to the councillor which takes time but I just hate waiting haha. I can’t help but feel like I already went through the motions of it all and hit rock bottom with my psych so now I just want to put it all out on the table and start at the deep end because I feel like that’s where I was and I don’t want to go back to learning to swim because I’m already impatient. I don’t want spend anymore time on this than I need to I just want to move on, close it up. I know it seems like too much to expect to happen but I honestly feel like I’ve been at my worst, it was a very dark and scary place and I wasn’t ok so if that wasn’t my worst I don’t want to see what that is because it was the hardest thing I’ve had to do to survive through that for my kids, I never want to have to make that decision again!

I know he has bad in him but I also know he has a good heart and there is no way I could do this without him! I need him. I think if he was ever to do it again which I don’t think he could because he is a different person now, still has issues to work on but nothing like he did have I think I’d understand now though that I would have to leave him because I know how much that affects the kids seeing that kind of thing. I know it doesn’t have to be physical to affect them but I just don’t know how to see it as bad when he is so much better than he used to be if that makes sense?! Probably not. I think I am aware now that he’s still not doing the right thing but since he’s already made so much change once before I’m sure he can do it again and hopefully this will be it. Yes it would have been a heck of a lot easier to have him onboard and supportive from the start but we can’t go back so I guess it’s just accepting that he is willing to make that change now and cross my fingers and toes, because I can’t do this alone and he is my rock.

[Anzee]

Update; I have had a diagnosis of delayed onset ptsd, I have started being able to manage my overwhelming emotions, after my third session with CASA the counceller said I was being retraumatised in my relationship with the triggering every time I am intimate with my partner. He saw a gp and is accepting that he has a problem with his temper, I have told him I only have sex with him to make sure he is nice to the kids and he did a knowledge that but also was still asking for it so I don’t think he quite understands. I have been able to be intimate with him this weekend and was hardly triggered or anxious but I’ve also realised how little respect I hold for myself in our relationship, like I’ve realised that it is the only thing I feel like I have to give (sex) amd that being hurt or controlled through sex does feel like affection to me because I’ve never had a healthy experience with sex. Since my partner hasn’t done anything else about the counceller his gp gave him a referral for I contacted relationships Victoria to set up relationship counseling but I can only make an apt for myself then he has to call and make his own before we can do it together so I bit the bullet and told him that he needs to do this and if he doesn’t I don’t know if I can stay in our relationship if he doesn’t commit to getting some help with his anger to help support me through this and have a healthier relationship with the kids 🤞🏼

[Croix]

Dear Anzee ~

If I was told I'd been intimate to prevent my bad behavior in other areas - in other words an unspoken threat by me t I'd be devastated. It is so selfish and cruel

Unfortunately your partner, who basically has to understand what he is doing, is simply using you. As a result you do feel that sex is all you have to give.

OK it might be a means of a little control, however it can only make you feel worse and worse over time, with less and less worth.

Any loving partner would never do that in the first place, and when told of your being triggered by sex - in other words re-injuring you - then sex would be out of the question,. Maybe the time might come you felt like it for your own sake, which would have to be a response response to love and time.

Sadly there is no love given to you, only abuse

I think you are very brave to put his cooperation on the line, there must seem to be a mountain of difficulties to overcome if you did leave, however having made that stance giving in I suspect will only make you feel worse and him more in control

I'm sure I've mentioned them before but 1800RESPECT can advise you on steps in separation, practical advice.

You are taking control of your life, that is brave and shows a great spirit which has not been broken (even if you do not think of yourself that way)

I found anger to be my ally, maybe you can too.

Please say how things go

Croix

[Anzee]

Hey Croix, thanks for the support. I think I have almost accepted that some of his behaviours can be abusive, but he is also a loving and caring partner and dad sometimes so it’s really hard to remember that doesn’t t excuse the abuse. He’s also my main support person in every part of my life so if I accept that our relationship is unhealthy that leaves me truly alone to get through this whilst trying to be the best mum I can be so it’s just safer and easier to say his behaviour is fine. I have definitely opened up a lot more with my psych about his behaviour and am pretty honest and up front with her about it so I feel like at least that’s something. I e also got my apt with relationships Australia today so 🤞🏼 We can start addressing our problems amd start to move forward.

[Anzee]

So relationships Australia intake didn’t go the way I’d hoped. The counceller said with my partners history of violence and the emotional abuse they won’t be doing couples work with us. He did say my partner was welcome to do his intake and that he would work with him individually but I’m not sure he will go through with it if it’s just about him. He gets home tomorrow night so I’ll talk to him then and hopefully he’ll have a good think about going through with individual councelling for himself 🤞🏼

[Anzee]

So my psych apt last week involved me closing off and barely speaking because after the relationships counceller my psych was questioning me about staying in the relationship and I really struggled to listen to the things she said because I just don’t feel like I can accept it, I’m so scared to be alone and I can’t help but notice all the up times and try to push away the bad so I end up so confused and overwhelmed.

ive also been dealing with a close friend in person and over the phone while she is distressed and in crisis due to leaving her extremely abusive husband, I have taken her to the police station, gone to her house to try and get her daughter out when the police weren’t helpful and looking after her youngest daughter a lot while my friend is onto all these different support services and police etc and every time I even consider my partners abuse I just look at her situation and I just can’t help but feel like there is no way my partner is abusive comparing him to her husband.

my psych also told me she’s taking 4 weeks off and even though I knew it was almost Xmas I hasn’t even considered what I was going to do for support during that time amd 1800tespects web chat hasn’t been running the last couple of days so I’m not sure if it’s temporary or not but I get too anxious and overwhelmed to talk on the phone to them so I end up working myself up and the only way to get myself out is to just keep telling myself he is not abusive and push the thoughts away as much as I can.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee ~

I'm sorry the counseling is a no go, however I guess there is a limit and htey have the experience to know it is not the right avenue ATM

Perhaps your husband will consent to go by himself, if not when first asked maybe later.

I don't blame you for not taking in much in that last psych session, you have some heavy things on your mind and I'd guess she was not dealing with those but wandered off elsewhere.

You are a good friend to that person and sound as if you have accomplished a lot, even if the police were not as helpful as they should be (not unknown).

It is true there are degrees of abuse, thogh none is justifiable, and under your present circumstances you may have to make preparations before you cna even weigh up hte advantages of staying or going (that escape plan is still a good idea even now, particularly as you have your friend's expereices to draw on).

1800RESPECT Chat may have had too many callers, I've not heard of a specific outage. If they are unavailable then Lifeline does have a domestic and family violence service 7am-midnight

https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/

whch may be helpful

So hang on Anzee, it will eventually sort out, sadly not as quickly as anyone might like

You know you are welcome here anytime

Croix