Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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JennyA Moral Compass different. Can the marriage be saved?
  • replies: 4

I found my husband had been watching and downloading porn for years and I feel like he's been cheating on me for doing it. He has never physically been unfaithful and in fact, we have only ever had sex with each other (been together for over 30 years... View more

I found my husband had been watching and downloading porn for years and I feel like he's been cheating on me for doing it. He has never physically been unfaithful and in fact, we have only ever had sex with each other (been together for over 30 years). He said it's purely for entertainment and that he loves sex and looking at women. We came to a compromise that he wouldn't download or search for porn (the obvious XXX porn websites etc) but he thinks anything else that may have or be about nudity is ok. My friend thinks he shouldn't even be searching or looking for things with explicit nudity in them or are of a sexual nature. For my husband, he thinks any nudity is ok to look at but is happy to draw the line at actual pornographic websites but still wants to be part of social media groups or watch TV shows or movies that have nudity in them, as he says he enjoys it. He thinks a person should be allowed to see anything and it not affect their marriage and he has no issues with what she sees or does, as long as they are faithful physically and emotionally. He believes I am just a jealous, insecure and conservative woman who wants to control everything he sees. He thinks it's ok to be turned on visually, as long as you don't cheat or neglect your wife sexually. He tells me he loves me and only me. Sex quantity isn't a problem as we have sex regularly. We have separated over this whole issue but are still seeing a counselor to see if it can be saved. I am a Christian, whereas he is not. While we both are reasonable people and respect each others beliefs we have a mismatched moral compass here. With 4 kids and 30 years of marriage, is there any way to save this marriage?

cloudysky I feel like I'm the problem in my relationships.
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone, this is my first thread so I'm not 100% sure how everything works. I've had a lot of issues with my friends at school recently. I had an argument with one of my friends because I felt as though she was distancing herself from me with no ... View more

Hi everyone, this is my first thread so I'm not 100% sure how everything works. I've had a lot of issues with my friends at school recently. I had an argument with one of my friends because I felt as though she was distancing herself from me with no reason. When my other friends found out, they all started ignoring me and excluding me, and now at school, I sit by myself because I feel uncomfortable around them. This has happened in the past before for several other reasons, but it's always me who gets the blame. Even though I feel like my opinions are valid and moral, no one cares and they get completely disregarded. I feel like Im a problem, and I've talked to some non-school friends about this, and they think otherwise. My friend group at school has about 8 people, of whom 6 ignore me. I can't help but feel as though I am a burden and I am the toxic person in my relationships. Everytime there is an argument, I am the only one who tries to make it better, but as of now, there are issues with me and the group on almost a weekly basis, and I feel like giving up with everything and just sitting alone for the rest of the year. I'd leave them if I could, but i'm really attached to a few of them, and so I find it really hard to leave. Instead, I spend most of my time sitting in a quiet space crying, believing that everyone hates me. And when people see me upset, they tell each other that I seek attention, which just makes me more upset. I have no idea what to do. Right now, I have mainly been relying on my out-of-school friends, but I feel like I'm a burden to them too. Sometimes I just want to bury a hole and crawl in, but I know that there are good people and good things waiting for me in my life, so I haven't given up (even though the thought still comes up in my head). I really just want to have some close healthy relationships at school, especially during this stressful year, but all I seem to get is drama and hate from people for mundane reasons. There is always a pattern. There is an argument, we stop talking, they ignore me, I isolate for ages because I know that they don't want to see me, I tell myself that they don't care about me, and then I eventually apologise, and things slowly get better, and things happen again. Its hard for me to cope with all of this constant stress, and I feel like I can't even express my emotions or thoughts in front of these friends, because they will use it against me. I really need some advice on how to cope with this.

BrokenHearted88 Covid is testing my relationship
  • replies: 5

I live in Melbourne where we are currently in level 4 lockdown and have been in lockdown for the last 5 months. my partner owns an events business which has been devastated by the restrictions. He has lost alot of money and all his staff. I am also a... View more

I live in Melbourne where we are currently in level 4 lockdown and have been in lockdown for the last 5 months. my partner owns an events business which has been devastated by the restrictions. He has lost alot of money and all his staff. I am also a first time mum with a 7 month old baby. i am struggling. my parter has become obsessed with covid. He says there is nothing else to do or talk about. It makes him angry but also seems to give him joy to be so obsessed. He analyses everything in the media and on government websites, makes his own judgements, then rants on social media. It gives him a false sense of control where he has none. i work in public relations. Ive told him its a bad look for a business owner to rant on social media but he still does it. We end up fighting alot about it. It makes him angry that i dont want him to do it. I told him its like this obsession and his ego are more important to him than me and his son. he spoke to the gp once about it and it helped but he doesnt want to seek help again. i love him. I love our family. He is a good man, albeit very passionate and down trodden right now but i dont know how to stop this negativity. i have an anxiety disorder so i know how to manage my emotions most of the time. Occasionally i crack and let it out which starts a fight. I sometimes bait him but then he cracks and gets angry back. Which causes me to reign it in before the fire rages on to far. please note he is not abusive towards me or my son. I want to make that clear. my baby is a terrible sleeper and breast fed so i pretty much havent slept in 7 months. i dont know if its the situation we are in or if his behaviour should concern me about who he really is in stressful situations. I dont know what I expect to get out of this post. I just needed somewhere to vent...

Crose Should I get an abortion due to Stage 3&4 restrictions causing relationship breakdown and loss of job
  • replies: 7

Hi, I am currently 20 weeks pregnant and have been experiencing a lot of anxiety due yo COVID and now due to lockdown in Melbourne I think I am depressed. My partner and I fight, I lost my job and my partners hours reduced. We are renting and buildin... View more

Hi, I am currently 20 weeks pregnant and have been experiencing a lot of anxiety due yo COVID and now due to lockdown in Melbourne I think I am depressed. My partner and I fight, I lost my job and my partners hours reduced. We are renting and building a home so we have rent and mortgage to pay every month. This was ok when i was working but now that i have no job we dont have much money. Before the lockdown, i still was in good spirits because I could do river walks with my family and friends (at differebnt times) and I could still go to my favorite Vegan cafe and get take away and fresh juice. The places i enjoy are more than 5km from my home. We cant afford to live in the inner suburbs. I havent seen my family or friends in weeks and ive stopped answering phone calls because i have nothing to say. I havent been to see my Doctor because i am scared i will get covid and give it to my child. I also have fallen into the habit of not leaving the house any more since we only have 1 hour outside. My family is not rich and can't support me if I was to be a single mum. It is strange to think that in January 2020 my partner and I were feeling over the moon to have finally been able to buy land and afford to build our own home, to then try and have a baby because we want a family to now wondering if we caneven afford to be home owners and raise a child. The stage 3 restrictions still had my partner bringing in a decent income but with stage 4 we can barely afford to feed ourselves. I dont know if it will be like this for a long time. Our government hasnt given me any clue as to what is going on with the economy and I dont know what to do. Should I just get an abortion? Am i even allowed to in Victoria at 20 weeks? I really deep down dont want to and I dont feel it is the right thing to do but I am scared to raise a child in this world.

lisa83 emotional affair
  • replies: 5

Back story 19 years together, interstate move, 4 children and 11 years of marriage. I'm a stay at home mum and my husband is fifo in the mines, he suffers depression so his moods can sometimes be unpredictable and he uses alcohol to soften it. He is ... View more

Back story 19 years together, interstate move, 4 children and 11 years of marriage. I'm a stay at home mum and my husband is fifo in the mines, he suffers depression so his moods can sometimes be unpredictable and he uses alcohol to soften it. He is away more than he is home so the majority of the time i am here with the kids on my own. 3 days ago i received a message from another woman who i knew of as his high school gf, she then proceeded to tell me that my husband talks to her via private chat app. Many times over the years. This time it had continued for a month while he is away. So on and off for the 19 years. But not all the time, They would just walk in and out of messages every couple of years and just chat. Somehow these past weeks it became a little more and he shared photos of what he looks like now(clothed not sexual) but her photo in return (bikini) she is a single mother of 2. She asked for his number on this last occasion and he added her on fb. She then seen somethings on fb and she realised he was still very much in love with me. She questioned him and he said i don't want to be with you, this is just a friendship. She then threatened to come clean to me and he hung up. He festered on this for a day, but did nothing. So she filled me in, said she fell for him and she wanted me to know its all cheating when your married. How do i trust him when its happened on and off for so long? It was just general chatting but it was kept a secret. How do you look into your wifes eyes and never tell. He has fallen apart from this. He's so very sorry and said he will do anything. He's about to start councilling, his work is sending him home cause he cries and falls into a heap. He can't come home with covid restriction and work. He can't say why he even did it? or why he continued it? But he retains that i am the best thing in his life and he hates himself for hurting me. How do you move past this? Is it worth salvaging? it feels like such a long time of betrayl? He doesn't want to loose what we have and has completley removed her from everything and said never ever will he go there again. She has since blocked us both on fb and insta but for how long? he is now changing his phone number and said he's done.

Pawkitty I can't stop this cycle
  • replies: 4

Lately, I've been caught in a strange cycle with my partner of three years. I know about the cycle of abuse, but I don't think this is it. I don't think he or I are abusive towards each other. But it's a strange cycle, nevertheless. I tell myself tha... View more

Lately, I've been caught in a strange cycle with my partner of three years. I know about the cycle of abuse, but I don't think this is it. I don't think he or I are abusive towards each other. But it's a strange cycle, nevertheless. I tell myself that I will never fall into it again, but I always do. First, he starts to get upset by my kids. We've been spending a lot of time together and he spends most nights with me. I have three kids from a previous abusive relationship. At any rate, he starts getting quite annoyed and frustrated with my kids. He makes a lot of negative comments about them, and I feel really uncomfortable. Then he says things like, he needs space and more time to himself. He stops telling me that he loves me, and he freezes the kids out, really. There's no warmth and affection for them from him. But he's still affectionate towards me. This keeps going until I go a little insane, and have this big long talk with him (usually in bed for some reason) about how he's free to go if he likes, and that I can tell he isn't committed to our relationship, and how maybe he'd be able to be a good dad if he had his own kid one day, with someone else... And how I've let go of my hopes for us becoming more of a family, and that he has what he wants, which is his freedom. Then he tells me how much he loves me, and that he wants to grow old with me, and that he isn't sure he'd want a kid anyway... That he needs me, and deeply loves me. Then things are calm for a while, and the whole process starts all over again. I feel like I might be abusive.. Or crazy.. I'm just not able to stop this cycle. I hope someone has some clarity of vision and insight, because I feel so lost in a fog. I feel like I'm mostly to blame for all of this, but I don't know how to stop it.

Mini_C Partner's emotional rollercoaster with Bipolar impacting daughter (3.75) Emotional & Social Development
  • replies: 3

My partner of 20 years was diagnosed with Bipolar around 12 years ago, He is medicated but doesn't like strong meds and does not handle stress well. We are stuck home due to COVID and I am drained (I work full time supporting us all). Daycare called ... View more

My partner of 20 years was diagnosed with Bipolar around 12 years ago, He is medicated but doesn't like strong meds and does not handle stress well. We are stuck home due to COVID and I am drained (I work full time supporting us all). Daycare called me yesterday and suggested that my daughter who is not yet 4 is not learning to handle her emotions and may need occupational therapy. Unfortunately I know she is being impacted by the stress in our house and my partner's sudden outbursts and mood swings. How can I help her deal with emotions? Do I send her to therapy? Some of the "issues" only seem to be on display at daycare where she is in a class with older children (some over a year older).

Wiggle Lost and lonely
  • replies: 6

Hey Everyone, First time poster here, I am a mother of 3 kids, 2 grown boys and a daughter aged 8. Over the years life has, to say the least, been less that kind and I have found myself very lost and lonely. I have recently moved to a new town and do... View more

Hey Everyone, First time poster here, I am a mother of 3 kids, 2 grown boys and a daughter aged 8. Over the years life has, to say the least, been less that kind and I have found myself very lost and lonely. I have recently moved to a new town and don't really know anyone. All I seem to do is work and come home. I don't have any friends to go out with and I have no hobbies and no life outside of work. How does one drag their butt of of this funk? I must say drinking has not helped. It has just given me something else to fix.

Bulus_Shabbaz Sometimes understanding, sometimes not
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I find even my friends and relatives, at times, are very loose and inconsistent with their tolerance for my mental illnesses. It is my experience that they tend to switch between compassion and scorn on a whim. One moment someone will be understandin... View more

I find even my friends and relatives, at times, are very loose and inconsistent with their tolerance for my mental illnesses. It is my experience that they tend to switch between compassion and scorn on a whim. One moment someone will be understanding of a set of behaviours as a symptom of my conditions, then when addressing the same behaviours in another instant, they will treat me like I am a "bad person". I suppose there could be a series of factors that I am not considering, but the end result is their inconsistent behaviour is doing more harm. That being said, that kind of inconsistency is also a common symptom of certain mental illnesses. I myself am aware that my mental and emotional state can cause me to lash out and say some pretty hurtful things to people, and I go to a lot of effort to keep my behaviour and words in check. When I do lash out, I make sure to apologise and seek penance to rectify the situation. I feel like I am constantly apologizing for my mental illness. However, I tend to find the people in my life who are not diagnosed with mental illness seem to not be expected to keep themselves in check to the same degree. I don't know, I am just venting.

Bendigo1955 Lonely and don't know anyone.
  • replies: 9

Hi, not sure how to copy anymore and would like to hear from others who may be in the same boat. Am over 60, live in Bendigo and don't know anyone, am very lonely and want/need to chat with others who are feeling the same way. I know It's very diffic... View more

Hi, not sure how to copy anymore and would like to hear from others who may be in the same boat. Am over 60, live in Bendigo and don't know anyone, am very lonely and want/need to chat with others who are feeling the same way. I know It's very difficult at the moment but what is everyone else doing to keep from feeling down? How does one get to know/meet new people when places are limited/closed? Being alone is generally not an issue for me as I do enjoy my own company, BUT times have changed as I feel very isolated and sad many times a day. I hope to hear from anyone, with suggestion as to how I can break out of this depression or hopefully meet/make some new friends. Thanks for reading.