Unsure about my current relationship !

Jurani · ‎08-07-2021

I'm wondering if I should continue with my partner. We've been together for 6 years. During this course, he's opened up to me and told me about his past. We come from different backgrounds. I had alot of trouble accepting some of the things he'd done, but somehow managed to accept them. The past two years have been unstable however. He was working casually full time, but had a couple of months with erratic workshifts. We were not living together at that time. I helped him out financially a few times and in total gave him $5000 to cover his expenses [not all at once]. That was probably 3 years ago. He now has a permanent full time job. A few months after this, he told me that he wouldn't support ME financially. I actually don't need him to but that made me angry. He moved in with me a year ago but I was hesitant to do this and put my thought process down to Covid which had hit at that time. His sister spilled the beans on him on a visit and mentioned that she'd given him $35,000 [just before we met apparently], which I knew nothing about. This coincided with me giving him $5000 in increments. After he'd filled me in on his past, I asked him if there was anything else he needed to tell me and he said 'no'. This was obviously a lie because there was no mention of the money his sister had given him. I asked him what he'd used it for and he said he had bills [overdue] and some other expenses. Since I found this out I'm struggling with it. As I was handing over increments of money, there was NO mention that his sister had also given him a huge amount. I told him he couldn't have had THAT many expenses to cover [with her money] and to date, he's given me no explanation. I feel violated. Before he moved in, sometimes I'd leave him at my place if I had to nip out. I had a money tin which I kept cash in to pay for bills. I always knew how much I had in there. Some of that money went missing. I told him about this and he said I must have miscalculated the amount. I then showed him my ledger [he didn't know I had this] and no I hadn't made a mistake and the money never turned up anywhere. At that point he was struggling financially, and insisted it was me who made the mistake [not true]. I've since put the money into a safe I bought and it's all adding up correctly. Before this, I had 3 lots of money go missing. Him not coming clean about the money his sister gave him is now making me not trust him. Should I end it?

Guest9337 · ‎08-07-2021

G'day Jurani,

I hope sharing here on beyondblue forums can help you. That's a tough situation you describe, sounds like he is stealing money, lying about it, borrowing money unfairly of whomever.

Gambling? idk, where else might his money pit be? I think you should aim to protect yourself first but help him if/where you are still comfortable doing so.

smallwolf · ‎08-07-2021

Thank you sharing your experience on the forums. It does sound like a difficult situation for you. For myself, any partnership requires honesty. You sound like a very caring person as well. That money has gone missing without your knowledge is concerning!

The first part you don't have to answer here and I am unsure of how close you were at the time... Were there plans to pay you back? What was the money for?

It sounds to me like this question of ending the relationship has been on your mind for a while? This is not really a question I can answer. However I would ask whether the things that have happened to you would consider deal breakers? And if so, can you see any way back?

white knight · ‎08-07-2021

Hi

Put it this way, I could not live with someone so evasive and not up front with honesty.

It would be very difficult for you and such difficulty has the risk of continuing.

TonyWK

Jurani · ‎08-07-2021

Thanks for your replies. He told me he didn't tell me about the money from his sister, which was a huge amount because he was worried that I'd get angry. This came out after I'd helped him myself a few times, which at the time I needed that money myself. As he was struggling I told him not to pay me back. However, I then found out about the money his sister had given him. I'm finding it hard to move past this, and I don't know if my feelings are correct or if I should just forget about it? I told him hiding stuff was the same as lying and he disagreed. Yes, money went missing from my tin. I know I didn't make a mistake because there was only me and him at my house during that time. That money was never found. He told me he did not take it, and that I made the mistake. I know this wasn't true. Since I've had it locked away nothing has gone missing, and my entries for this money are always correct. I can't explain that. My point is, and this is what I'm struggling with, I'm still angry, and it doesn't seem to be going away. It's making me distance myself from him because I don't know what the truth is anymore. I can't speak to any of my family about it because firstly, they'd tell me to end it and if I didn't, they'd write him off. To my knowledge he didn't have a gambling problem but....

, maybe he did. He knows my thoughts about gambling addicts because I ended my last relationship because of that. If he did in the past, he doesn't have one now because he's either working or he's with me. I can't seem to come to a conclusion about my future with him. I agree, there needs to be trust, and that seems to have been eroded from my perspective. How do you learn to trust someone again? I'm not even sure if he's with me for the right reasons. I've always been good with finances, he hasn't. This didn't come out until we were established in the relationship. I told him recently that if I'd known about the money his sister gave him I wouldn't have allowed him to move in with me because when we met he told me he had very little in savings but that wasn't true because he was given the $35,000 right at that time, and then I helped in out not knowing this information. I can't make a decision about what to do? Should I tell him I need time out from the relationship to think about things?

geoff · ‎09-07-2021

Hello Jurani, he has told you that he won't support you financially and money is missing, well you can support a person who is struggling, but you can't if they keep lying to you, the trust has vanished and if he's living with you, then it's his responsibility to pay you half of the costs.

He shouldn't be allowed to use the utilities, eat the food and live rent free while money is disappearing, love can't be stretched to that amount, because you aren't sure what else may be happening and if he's borrowed $35,000 from his sister then chances are it won't be returned, just like what he's taken from you.

I can't tell what to do, but I can suggest that your partner needs to go.

You can never be sure what else he is doing behind your back.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

white knight · ‎09-07-2021

I don't think you'll find the direct answer from many people.

If the sky is blue and you and your partner is sunbaking, but he says it's overcast and you felt compelled to confirm it with your neighbours then the problem will unfortunately be within your lack of confidence.

This is a common dilemma. Add to that lack of trust AND his lack of consideration for your financial ramifications of lending him money when you needed it yourself, you are so affected you have to seek help.

He may or may not be gambling but he is gambling on your vulnerability.

I'I'sorry if I come across as blunt. You are in a situation whereby your relationship is on the line but sometimes it's more supportive to highlight reality than to put hope in a future that will have ongoing cycles of mistrust. It's sad but there is always a better future after the dust has settled from a separation.

It's ok to disagree and other members may have differing views. That's what it's all about- giving you options.

TonyWK

Guest_3256 · ‎09-07-2021

Hi Jurani.

After reading your post, it seems that money is a big obstacle in your relationship, as well as a lack of communication and possibly trust issues on both your sides. I can imagine how much this has upset you and that you are may be experiencing difficulties trusting him.

How do you feel that you can resolve this?