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No sex with my wife is making me not love her as much

Dadage57
Community Member

I know people will think im being very selfish but i believe modern gadgets are not helping

We are on our 2nd marriage and we have had 10 glorious years of love and happiness, I am 61 and my wife is 57, we share the same interests and always holding hands in public or kissing in public.

She had a hysterectomy a few years ago but still our sex drive between us was fantastic.

My wife does suffer depression and has been on medication for many years

For the last 6 months or so our sex life has stopped to the fact where we have sex maybe once a month and then its the same spoon position and no kissing. I've tried so hard to do other things to no avail.

She has a iphone and ipad and when she gets home from work the ipad comes out and that gets her attention weather it be fb or google etc

We then have dinner and its back to the ipad, we then go to bed and its the ipad and then she closes it off and goodnight...

I lay there watching tv, i always hold her leg and always caressing her leg but nothing happens.

We have spoken about it and she told me i dont know why i dont fancy it and im sorry

Ive asked her about worries, stresses, and things like that...

I cant help it if i love to make love to my wife and if love to kiss her but its all stopped and im getting so worked up by it i dont know what to do.

I asked if she still found me attractive and she says yes, she tells me she loves me every day but as of late im not saying it back, i dont know why but all i can think of is that im angry with her.

Even if we go out in the car for a ride or on holiday she sits there next to me on her phone or ipad

She was a addict with online scrabble but after a sarcastic comment she went and deleted it.

We used to even lay there in bed holding hands and then her iwatch thing would buzz and she would dismiss me and go to notification etc.. or say someone is calling and everything stops

Im trying my best not to be selfish on this but im really at the end of my tether...

Thanks for reading

6 Replies 6

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi and welcome

It would be hard to put your finger on the problem. I can suggest you try relationship counseling maybe Relationships Australia?

As she has indicated she hasnt got an issue it could be simply a change of life.

TonyWK

Guest_3256
Community Member

Hi there buddy.

Reading your post, you sound like an amazing person; loving, loyal, compassionate, wellness and eager to please (as long as it's for both of you) and most of all, dedicated to making your Wife happy. In today's modern world, people of all ages are becoming too self-centered and throw in the towel when they cant be bother flourishing their own garden.

For you though, it is an amazing quality that you have and I honestly believe that you may need to try something from a different angle. Start with the ipad and the other gadgets as it appears from your post, that your beautiful wife is giving her devices too much attention. Is there something that can entice her attention to be swayed away from the every day tech? I am wondering if there was something that you could both enjoy together, with rules that no tech allowed. I.e. a romantic dinner and then a walk under the stars, going to the movies.

Food for thought. Keep going, you both have something amazing.

Learn to Fly
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Dadage,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. You are very honest and open in your description, thank you.

I realise you have mentioned you had tried to talk to your wife before but I am wondering, if you’d be willing to try one more time? A dinner in a nice restaurant (if it’s Covid safe), a walk, a movie that you both like - everything that you both enjoy but with a small exception: electronical devices left home, or put away, or switched off - whatever you prefer.
After having a nice time together maybe try to explain to her again how you feel, tel her how you miss these moments together, and her company.

Let us know your thoughts.

Take care.

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Dadage57

As a 50yo female trying to work out how I tick during 'Change of life', I can't help but wonder about a few things your wife may be experiencing. I could be way off the mark but it can't hurt to wonder.

At some point, I couldn't help but wonder why I'd lost interest in intimacy with my husband. While in some meditative state of wonder, what came to me was 'You're just not feeling it (the connection)'. While the connection was not a problem in the earlier part of the 20 something years we've been together, all of a sudden it felt gone. Sounds a bit weird but 'change of life' for most women tends to bestow the gift of greater sensitivity. To a partner it can feel more like a curse than a gift. While a woman can become sensitive to no longer feeling the energy of the usual forms of intimacy, this may appear as disinterest. Cue greater interest in what's more exciting (like an i pad). While a woman may have been able to tolerate little jokes at her expense and laugh them off, with genuine laughter, all of a sudden tolerance meets with a new sense (intolerance). She's no longer laughing. Don't get me started on sensitivity to any subtle rise in energy. Cue hot flushes. The list goes on.

I was blatantly honest with my husband when intimacy took a dive. I told him I wasn't feeling the vibe from the kind of intimacy we'd always experienced. I suggested we experiment with what gives me a charge, so to speak. A trial and error or success kind of thing.

For one out of the couple, it can be easy for them to get a charge, easy to increase energy levels in intimacy to the point where the energy's so intense they could imagine they could just about explode. For the other, it's just not there. I can relate to the energy levels in depression being incredibly low. I'd spent a number of years in a depression some time ago. Low levels can be mind altering.

I'm wondering if you make the quest for greater energy toward intimacy all about a quest for her to regain a sense of spark, she may find this incredibly romantic and thoughtful. If she gets a sense that it's more about what you can feel, she might naturally switch off before you even get started. She may be super sensitive to this. Beware of women and their instincts 🙂

To lead your wife to feel more energy in life in general could create a sense of foreplay in a way. Hopefully you reach a point where she triggers that energetic connection you're longing for.

I wish you both luck on your quest for answers.

🙂

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Dadage, you have told us 'she had a hysterectomy a few years ago but still our sex drive between us was fantastic', are you sure the both of you agreed to this, and sorry to ask this and by no means want to upset you by posing this question, but it still won't stop you holding hands and kissing and showing you still love each other.

Try and look at this site 'advice for husbands after hysterectomy' which you may have already, however, after talking to women who have had this operation (friends) they open up and say that having the thought of being intimate, does not interest them at all, they have been in a term marriage.

This certainly doesn't mean that it's possible, depends on the situation and the circumstances that prevail and who you are with.

Have you asked her what she may be searching for on google, it could well be trying to find a solution to this exact problem, but try and talk with her about what are the reasons and understand as well as take on board what she says.

Geoff.

That’s a really good point Geoff. Well spotted.