Husband left me

[Rainy80_]

My husband has been struggling with a mid Life Crisis and has decided it's time to move out and find someone esle we have been married for 13 years we have had our differences but he has totally changed but turned it all on me and I'm lost I'm still in love with him I already suffer from anxiety and depression and this is killing me I'm trying not to contact him to give him space I don't know what to do.

[Guest9337]

G'day Rainy80!,

Welcome to beyondblue forums. My best friend and I bought bicycles when we had our mid-life crises, turned out to be a better investment than sports cars.

His marriage broke up, but mine endured for which I'm grateful.

I suppose one text or phone call a week would be reasonable for letting him know how you feel yet still giving him space.

Though I suggest you ask him how much space he wants, like specific things about contact. Can you drop in to his new place to say hello? Can you buy him a birthday present when that's time? How often can you phone? Find some boundaries that show you care.

Also those boundaries are going to inform your decisions about your own needs. Are things open for negotiation anymore, like if he says call once a month and you want to call once a day, can compromise happen?

When I don't know what to do I gather information, research and think and feel about the situation.

[Rainy80_]

Thankyou for your response it's given me something to think about his currently contacting other women as he was doing that when we were under the same roof which when we are I can't handle watching him do that and he tells me there's nothing wrong with it

[quirkywords]

Rainy

welcome to the forum and thanks for starting the thread.

People handle mid life crisis differently.

I can feel your frustration and confusion .

Only you know what you want to do. I think there needs to be respect for you and your feelings.

[geoff]

Hello Rainy, and a warm welcome to the site.

It's difficult to know whether he's having a mid-life crisis, other problems or whether he's is also suffering from depression and anxiety for trying to contact other women, and if he says 'there's nothing wrong with it', well if you're married then it is a real problem, as it indicates concerns that may be happening because of a reason.

Moving out and finding someone else is not going to solve his problems, it may temporarily but that's not going to rectify the solution long term, so can I suggest you seek help starting with your doctor who can refer you onto a psychologist using 'the mental health plan', this entitles you to 6 to 10 Medicare paid sessions per year.

Sometimes people need this help so they can gain some strength and knowledge to be able to cope in these types of situations even when it's not their fault.

Take care and please get back to us whenever you can.

Geoff.

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Rainy80,

I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. You still love him and watching him (when he was still living with you) contacting other women must have hurt you badly. Not seeing it but knowing what he is up to, probably feels equally bad.

Well, he is not right. It’s not ok for him to contact and meet other women, if this hurts you. Mid life crisis or not, it’s about showing some respect to the partner.

I realise you worry about this situation but I think you have done more than enough in terms of showing good will and trying to work things out. What he does and how he responds to it, is out of your hands, though.
How would you feel about taking a break from tormenting yourself about things that are out of your control? Doing some things for yourself and your own pleasure. It doesn’t have to be big. Whatever relaxes you, brings even a tiny bit of a relief. A week buying yourself a favourite pastry. Each day. A walk in the park. A friendly chat about something insignificant to a stranger you met in the park. Anything to change the flow of your thoughts from going over and over on the subject that makes you sad.
Yes, this might not give you the immediate solution but it will give you a much needed break and self-care.

Take care of yourself.