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BeyondBlue Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about
  • replies: 0

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a ... View more

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a negative way. As always, we want to hear your story and how it impacts you and encourage everyone to support each other with kindness. There are a few things to consider when posting in this section so we can all get the most out of it: Everyone’s situation is unique. We all do our best to share what is important in our story but we can never share it all. Let’s be mindful we can’t know all of everyone’s story. Anonymous but public. These posts are available to everyone and while the moderation team keeps the Forums anonymous, posts are still online for everyone to read. Have a think about what you want to share to get the best support for you. Please stay safe. This space is an amazing way to seek support from others who might understand what you are going through. We want to hear how you are going and what is happening for you. Please also consider 1800RESPECT if you don’t feel safe or 000 if you are in danger right now. You deserve to be safe. Thank you again for joining this conversation, your contributions are worthy and important to us here. Beyond Blue

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Lynhs How do I not end up hating alcoholic husband?
  • replies: 3

Hi all, I have been married to a man I love very much for the last 21 years. I have always been the main breadwinner, and he has been the primary caregiver for our daughter. He would always keep up with the housework and cook all the meals so that I ... View more

Hi all, I have been married to a man I love very much for the last 21 years. I have always been the main breadwinner, and he has been the primary caregiver for our daughter. He would always keep up with the housework and cook all the meals so that I could focus on my very demanding job. What I didn't know at the time was that we was drinking heavily during the day, and most likely was doing school pickup while he was drunk. He has been working part time for the last 5 years or so. In 2019 he lost his job because he was under the influence of alcohol on the job. I didn't realise how much he was drinking until then - he's always been so good at hiding it and I have no sense of smell so couldn't smell it on his breath. Plus he never drinks in front of me - hides it in the car, the garage, in his golf bag etc. Since then he has spiralled out of control, and is now either glassy-eyed drunk or asleep. He has done 2 stints in rehab this year, with the latest finishing only 2 days ago. When he's there he's articulate, amusing and caring. But since he's been home, he's immediately fallen back into old habits. He swears he hasn't had a drink but he staggers between rooms, won't eat, then takes 4 hour naps at 10am, and again at 4pm, then sleeps 8-10 hrs at night. Meanwhile I'm doing all the housework, the cooking, looking after teenage child and doing all the running around associated with that, as well as being the sole earner and working 10hrs / day. So how do I not become bitter, and end up hating him? I want to help him but he lies constantly, and is never sober enough to have a serious conversation about what comes next or how I can help. When I try he says that I lecture him, but he just sits there and stares at me so I agree that its one-sided. Our daughter can barely speak to him. I'm so angry all the time I'm on the verge of tears every day. Life is so much less stressful when he's in rehab. I hate being at home, but need to be there to make it a home for my daughter. And yet I can't kick him out or he'll be homeless or sleeping in his car. I feel so trapped! What can I do?

Kato11 Breakup after Boyfriend starts dealing with trauma and burnout and now feels numb
  • replies: 14

My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me suddenly in March. He said he wasn’t coping and because he wasn’t coping he wasn’t giving me the time or treating me as well as I deserved and so he felt just guilt all the time plus he was pushing me away. I ... View more

My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me suddenly in March. He said he wasn’t coping and because he wasn’t coping he wasn’t giving me the time or treating me as well as I deserved and so he felt just guilt all the time plus he was pushing me away. I gave him the space he needed and told him I still loved him and would support him. Fast forward 8 months and it’s been an emotional roller coaster for both of us as he try’s to get help and learn healthy coping mechanisms. There were Good periods where it seemed like there was hope for our relationship but they were only brief. The last time he said he wanted to make it work lasted two weeks until he stopped being affectionate, wouldn’t touch me and was distant again. He has now told me that he feels emotionally numb. That all that excitement and love he used to feel for me and when I was there is gone and he doesn’t think it will come back. I understand that people can fall out of love with each other but I feel like this numbness is a symptom of what he is going through and has been going through. But after the last 8 months roller coaster of emotions I don’t think it’s good for either of us to continue trying to make the relationship work. I am struggling to let this relationship go as I thought he was the one I would spend my life with. I still love him very deeply and I know he cares about me and did love me not long ago! I think this emotional numbness he describes is a coping mechanism on its own. does anyone have an experience with partners going through these kinds of things and maybe breaking up short term while each of you work on your own stuff?

Gothicaria Separating and alone for xmas
  • replies: 4

I made the call to ask for a break from our marriage a few days ago. He went on the defensive and threatened to sell our assets asap and even listed one the following morning. We have hurt each other a lot over the last 20 years and fought on and off... View more

I made the call to ask for a break from our marriage a few days ago. He went on the defensive and threatened to sell our assets asap and even listed one the following morning. We have hurt each other a lot over the last 20 years and fought on and off on big enough scales to warrant my desire for a break. He is not dealing with what he is feeling and I feel like he thinks if he separates financially asap it will make it hurt less than it does. Neither of us are prepared to leave our owned property, my reason is due to our 12 year old son and on legal advice to stay based on his current reactions to sell everything. Xmas day was supposed to be at our house but only his parents were coming. My family all have their own plans so now I am facing spending Xmas alone. I’m crying and have feelings of despair on and off all day. This all erupted 4 weeks ago when my husband went through my personal computer and found comments I made to online friends about times when I had been unhappy with his behaviour. He also found out I had been involved in sending inappropriate messages to one of those online friends whom I had been leaning on for support that quickly became intimate. It had all ended prior to my husband finding out. We since have tried to reconcile but when I found my husband was still trying to access my computer and hack my accounts I changed my passwords and he got very upset saying I was trying to hide things. I even offered to show him my accounts but voiced that I felt violated and still deserve some amount of privacy. I found out through an employee about 5 years ago my husband had a tinder and an Ashley Maddison account which he said he never acted upon which inevitably I forgave and moved on without placing ultimatums about access to his devices. I’m just so lost and hurt. He is a very no emotional person, does not express himself unless it’s anger. I have no idea what to do or what I am doing.

jazzy_aroha My father
  • replies: 6

my father, I’ve never considered him my dad, he doesn’t feel like family to me. since I was a kid he’d yell at me, scream, hurt me and it’d only get worse when he drinks, he’s aggressive and verbally abusive to me & not my sibling, he only cares to b... View more

my father, I’ve never considered him my dad, he doesn’t feel like family to me. since I was a kid he’d yell at me, scream, hurt me and it’d only get worse when he drinks, he’s aggressive and verbally abusive to me & not my sibling, he only cares to be nice to them, he’s says it’s cause I remind him of him, but that’s no excuse? Nothing I ever did was good enough, every conversation I’ve ever had with him ends in a fight, he’s always finding something wrong with me, and says I’m doing stuff wrong cause it’s not his way. he thinks just cause he’s my father he knows more than me and that he’s always right and I’m just stupid. what ticks me off is he never apologises to me, has never said sorry to me for his mistreatment and wrong doings I was terrified of him as a kid, he was horrible and he’s had the cops called on him a few times for a restraining order. I’ve always just wanted my mum to divorce him so life can be peaceful. My parents have fought my entire life. Whenever he had a problem with me, mum would defend me, then they would argue (scream the house down, swear and slam doors), he’d leave the house for a while before mum gave in and blames me for causing the fight, this cycle just continues Whenever he’s around, hes aggressive so I’d do as he says, even when I refuse he screams saying you will do what I say, right now i physically shake and my heart races whenever he’s talks to me. It gives me so much anxiety I cry every time, I can’t help it and then I’m yelled at for crying. He lectures me for hours at night to tell me I’m stupid, selfish and that he’s right about whatever im so sick of it, I don’t want him in my life, every time I try let it go, and think maybe he’s changed his ways, my heart just gets torn to pieces as the anger and horrible words all come back to me when we talk Mum thinks I’m causing all the problems between the family but every time I try to tell how and why I feel that way towards him, she never listens and makes excuses for him, she’s never on my side and says I’m selfish for not liking him/wanting to spend time with him. Today after another fight, she says I caused ill be the one leaving the house this time, not him. I have no one else to talk to who would listen and it really hurts. I have no happy memories with him, only ones that I’d always end up in tears. my happiest times are when he wasn’t around. He makes my life miserable. I’m done trying to forgive him. I hate him. Is is so wrong to want him out of my life?

SA_87 Guilty and victim
  • replies: 7

Hi all, I am very guilty of my actions. I have an extra marital affair for over 2 years now. My wife doesn't know. And I have a child with her. The person I'm having an affair with is my college at work. We both started as friends and became close an... View more

Hi all, I am very guilty of my actions. I have an extra marital affair for over 2 years now. My wife doesn't know. And I have a child with her. The person I'm having an affair with is my college at work. We both started as friends and became close and I had no intentions to cheat my wife. However the feelings became stronger and we are now deeply in love with each other however I can't leave my wife as I don't have courage to tell her what I have been doing. Because of this reason I told the person I am having an affair with that I can't do anything and don't want anything to do with her. However she went and got physical with someone else I know. Now I'm enraged and anxious. I feel like I deserve what I got. However that girl and I still love each other but I can't get past the thoughts that she's been with someone else while being with me. I'm still living with my wife, while she has no idea but she thinks there's something wrong with me. We have no proper physical relationship with each other from over 2 years now. I purposely damaged my own marriage hoping my wife would leave me and that I can be with the girl I love. Now that girl I'm in love with have been physical with someone else I know, I'm unable to actually accept her but at the same time I cannot stop thinking about her. I know that guy and he's a pervert, and that's part of the problem. She is very sorry as well and regrets what she did. But I feel helpless now as I will never be happy now even if I'm with her as that thought kills me. Also me and my wife are unhappy with each other but are together due to our child and society pressure of judging us. I do not know what to do. I have been very sad, anxious and frustrated with my life with so much stress. I have been a bad person and I think I got what I deserve. But I don't know what to do next step to be happy again. I feel like running away from everything. On some level I want to with the person I'm in love with as we both have a lot of commonalities however the thought of her being with a person I know, is something I can't bear. Also I still don't know how to end everything with my wife. I feel like a hypocrite. I feel guilty. I feel I got what I deserve. I get bad feelings about myself. I feel like hurting myself. I feel like going to sleep and never waking up. I'm stuck and have no idea what to do next.

Buzzybees101 I set a boundary today, and am overwhelmed with anxiety and guilt for it
  • replies: 9

Hi everyone, Hope you are all having a good day so far. A bit of background - I moved overseas 4 years ago, much to the upset of both parents but especially my mom. Ever since moving she has had this need for almost constant contact, which, as an int... View more

Hi everyone, Hope you are all having a good day so far. A bit of background - I moved overseas 4 years ago, much to the upset of both parents but especially my mom. Ever since moving she has had this need for almost constant contact, which, as an introvert trying to build a life in new country, is extremely overwhelming. It wasn't bad to begin with, but it got a point where if I didn't reply, I'd get a message from my dad, and if I didn't reply to that I'd get a panicked text message at what would have been a time for them they definitely should be sleeping (think 2am). It started to stress me out knowing they were 'worried' even though they heard from me 2-3 days earlier and nothing untoward was happening. It's taken me a really long time, but finally, today my mom was complaining about her own mother and how she called their house several times in the afternoon the other day when they were out and claimed she was worried and my mom feels like she is 3 years old still. I took this as my opportunity to hold up a mirror for my mom to see her own behaviour and I feel the same as she does with her mom's behaviour. I was as gentle as possible and told her if they don't hear from me it's not a reason to worry, I like breaks from my phone as too much interaction with the world gets exhausting. Since sending that email, I feel overwhelmed with anxiety and some guilt, as I didn't say anything for so long so I didn't hurt or upset her, but when would I have got another opportunity to point out the behaviour she is complaining about is exactly what she does? She hasn't responded so no doubt is crying/upset talking to my dad or brother but I really needed to say it before permanent resentment set in. I don't really know what I am looking for by posting this here, maybe any similar experiences/advice for combating guilt for setting a boundary that I had to set for my own wellbeing... Thank you anyone who reads this and reaches out, and merry christmas!

Alex2994 Not being able to be with wife during labour
  • replies: 5

Iv never been one to voice my anxiety/depression as iv always remained strong for my family… but yesterday I don’t even know how to even cope… my wife went for a check up at the hospital because she’s 37 weeks pregnant and wasn’t feeling well.. she c... View more

Iv never been one to voice my anxiety/depression as iv always remained strong for my family… but yesterday I don’t even know how to even cope… my wife went for a check up at the hospital because she’s 37 weeks pregnant and wasn’t feeling well.. she came back COVID positive.. which looks like I will be as well… the hardest thing of all, is she is booked in for an induction of labour on the 26th (Boxing Day) so it’s highly probable I won’t be able to be with her it’ll only be one of her parents allowed (pending being COVID negative)… I’m remaining strong and optimistic in front of her… but internally I feel like such a failure of a father and husband and I really don’t know how to take this turmoil and just plain failure within me…

Brownshorts Lack of intimacy in my relationship.
  • replies: 22

Hi all, Im new to this forum, first time poster. This topic has probably been done to death but here goes. I've been married for over 30 years and after the birth of our first child intimacy has been an issues as well as mis-matched libidos. I feel m... View more

Hi all, Im new to this forum, first time poster. This topic has probably been done to death but here goes. I've been married for over 30 years and after the birth of our first child intimacy has been an issues as well as mis-matched libidos. I feel my wife doesn't find me attractive on any level. It's convenient to have me around. I work away a bit and feel lonelier when I'm at home than when I'm away. She says she loves me and misses me a lot when I'm away but when I get back she manages to find fault with most things I say and do which makes intimacy difficult. She is a master at making up excuses to avoid any attempts by me to initiate things. I've heard most over the past 3 decades She won't acknowledge there's a problem or go to counselling. She doesnt have a paid job and there's no financial stress. I pull my weight around the house when I'm not working. Anyway it bothers me less now than it used to but I would still like to keep trying.

elc91 New person I am dating is pushing me away due to severe depression
  • replies: 16

Hi, I hope this is the okay to post here, other posts on the topic are about established relationships but I’m just at hurt and confused. I started seeing somebody I met online a couple of months ago and since then he has had a couple of “I can’t do ... View more

Hi, I hope this is the okay to post here, other posts on the topic are about established relationships but I’m just at hurt and confused. I started seeing somebody I met online a couple of months ago and since then he has had a couple of “I can’t do this” episodes that have been very hurtful. The last one I didn’t get to see him for 3 weeks but we spoke everyday still, giving him that 3 weeks was extremely hard for me. I get bad anxiety myself and need reassurance that I do not even remotely get so stepping back for 3 weeks was rough but I did it for him, come to the morning that we were meant to finally see eachother he cancels on me and blames his mental health again. This time I totally lost it and kept pushing and pushing because my own anxiety was in complete overdrive. He asked for some time to process what was happening. He said multiple times that he is severely struggling and he can’t care about or focus on anybody else. He still maintains his hobbies though and sees his other friends, it’s just me. So I gave him a couple of days and reached out asking how he was feeling. He told me he hadn’t even thought about it. I’m not sure what I’m even here for, this is so trivial compared to everybody else’s problems but I’m just not sure what to do here and am hoping to gain some perspective from outside sources. He has told me that all he can feel his overwhelming sadness and that he is lost. I’ve given him the opportunity to just tell me he’s not interested in me or doesn’t like me and he says that’s not true he just can’t handle life. But if you do like someone how can you maintain all of your other hobbies but not want to see them for over 3 weeks? How can you like someone and know something is causing them a lot of hurt and be able to say it hasn’t even crossed your mind? I’m sorry if this isn’t very cohesive I just need to know where to go from here? Is this normal for somebody going through trauma and depression or is it an excuse? He does have a lot of trauma from previous relationships, like, a lot. But I’m not his exes and I’m not his past. our first date he unloaded a lot of that trauma onto me and I was happy to listen but could tell he was very damaged to even be bringing it all up so soon. He was in therapy but his therapist moved so he said he has been struggling to deal with that as well. He starts seeing a new therapist today. Do I just let him push me away? Is it what he really wants?

Bee1998 I have no one....
  • replies: 4

I broke up with my partner yesterday, as I have put up with his lack of effort, love and respect for almost 2 years... I had finally had enough. The part that sucks most now though, is that I have to deal with the break up all on my own. I don't have... View more

I broke up with my partner yesterday, as I have put up with his lack of effort, love and respect for almost 2 years... I had finally had enough. The part that sucks most now though, is that I have to deal with the break up all on my own. I don't have a single friend I can reach out to just to talk, or even to go stay with for a night or two. I feel so alone and miserable. I feel helpless, and am having thoughts of ending my life. I don't want to die, but at the same time, I want to disappear in the hopes that people give a crap. Probably sounds attention seeking... but that's just my mindset. Just sick of being so damn alone all the time. It feels impossible to get over hardships, when you have no friends and no support. I'm also struggling with depression on top of that. Just want to give up. I'm tired.