Desperately needing help!
Wishing you a very warm welcome to these forums and well done on taking such a brave and important step in reaching out to the community- we know that this is not an easy thing to do. We are so sorry to hear about what's been happening in your family and with your partner- it must be incredibly difficult to be treated like this, and please know that our community are here to help support you and offer their caring support and advice. We think you are such a strong person to be going through so much while caring for your two children, and understand that you are wanting clarity and understanding on his behaviour.
We think it would really help to get in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships. Our friends at 1800RESPECT are also available to you 24/7 on 1800 737 732 or anytime through online chat at https://www.1800respect.org.au and specialise in providing advice and support to those in situations like these. We hope that you also always feel welcome to talk these feelings through with our Beyond Blue Support Service, available anytime on 1300 22 4636 or also through Webchat 1pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some support but also provide you with advice and referrals for more ongoing support if this is something you may be interested in.
We hope that you can find some solace here on the forums, and feel a little less alone through this. Our community are all here to help support you through this, and please continue updating us here on your thread whenever you feel ready to.
Welcome to the forums and having the bravery to post about what must be a very distressing situation for you. You will find lots of support and useful advice here.
I am not in the situation, or a professional, so it is difficult to say. What you have described sounds like you are in a controlling relationship with a controlling person. Google this. There is advice on what this type of relationship looks like and links to where you can get help to work out what to do about the situation to keep yourself safe.
I hope this helps. Take care of yourself and if you are able and feel up to it, please let us know how you are going.
My heart goes out to you during this overwhelming challenge you're facing. You sound like an incredibly tolerant person already facing the challenging work of being an amazing mum and managing your own mental health.
I suppose it's a matter of starting with the facts and working from there. While you're unsure of what's going on with him, you know for a fact what's going on with you. Sounds like you feel you're in an intolerable relationship, which is somewhat anxiety inducing and potentially depressing long term. Would you say that's the case? Would you say the relationship is impacting your self esteem and exhausting you to some degree? Are you walking on eggshells when it comes to a lot of what you say and do? Is the relationship somewhat fearful and stressful?
If this is the case and you feel you can't lead him to seek help, is it possible to seek help for the relationship? Is it possible for you to say to him something like 'I can't tolerate what's happening with this relationship for much longer. It's deeply challenging my mental health. I feel relationship counseling is needed. I feel if we don't go, I can't manage staying in the relationship'? So, it's like focusing on the health of the relationship as opposed to his mental health. If he eventually agrees then it's up to the counselor to bring up the issues with him.
I can remember going to relationship counseling some years ago. I actually went by myself, as my husband refused to go, stating that our relationship is no one's business. For me, the marriage was becoming intolerable due to his controlling and unreasonable nature. I learned a lot during those sessions. The sessions boosted my self esteem and gave me a clearer direction in regard to what I deserved in a relationship. Two of the take home messages that impacted me the most, (1) you deserve a relationship that raises you as opposed to bringing you down and (2) your opinions and beliefs matter no matter what your husband thinks. If you believe the relationship needs help, that matters, no matter what he may think. Maybe you could even say 'If you don't care enough about saving this relationship, I will go on my own', if that's your choice. Another choice may involve you ending it.
Take pride in the fact that you're accepting the challenge of evolving the relationship. If he doesn't accept this challenge that is not your fault. You could be facing his fault, to blame rather than take responsibility.
Take care of yourself 🙂
Thank you all for taking the time to reply to me. I am very grateful!
I have researched controlling relationships and it does seem to ring true in a lot of aspects. This makes me sad in a lot ways. I think perhaps it does relate to some underlying issues from his past, I do know he was cheated on but given he accuses me of it so often, I wonder if this ex partner actually did do this or if he just convinced himself so truly that she did. I just know I have never given him a reason to suspect.
I am so unhappy in this relationship. I feel somewhat defeated because when I feel like everything is going well, something causes him to lose his bearings and get mad about something again. He mentioned in an email, when he looks at me I’m never present, I’m always thinking. I feel like I can’t express myself and I want to cry my eyes out, tell or scream, I just keep quiet and plod along. I imagine this would contribute to his concern. I can’t help it, I’ve expressed I need to be able to hVe my own views and opinions. I just cannot trust him when my views and opinions don’t match up to his. It’s so disheartening and disappointing.
I am very grateful for all of the resources available to look into. I especially appreciate the first hand advice from experiences.
We are still currently no contact. I did receive some very toxic, nasty emails last night suggesting he was moving on now. He has said this very often when I don’t respond. I am still not responding, until my mind is positive enough to communicate productively. I’m no saint, I’d love to tell him a peace of my mind but appreciate that makes things worse and then I end up feeling lousy for it anyway.
I am going to phone Relationships Australia and see what I can do with that resource and then perhaps reach out to him to see if this would be an option.
@therising May I ask if your husband ever did attend these sessions? Are you still married today? And did anything change for your relationship?
I am due to attend my study course tomorrow in floristry, I am so extremely excited so that will take my mind off of the situation for the day at least!
Again, to you all I am so incredibly grateful for you all taking the time to respond to me ❤️
Hi my friend.
You are very courageous and supportive for reaching out for support which shows how much love you have for you man. I would like to add some insight from my own perspective as I have suffered from his type of behaviour. Whether it's toxic or not is really up to you. As you are asking for support, I can say from what you have stated that he may be experiencing difficulties managing his self-confidence - as in he doesn't trust himself enough to value his love for you. What ever his past-trauma/experiences are that have led him to this moment in which you read here, your partner is living in the past. One of the hardest things; is to accept that he may not value (love) himself and therefore may have difficulties being able to challenge his thought and emotions which appear to be not real. He may feel quite abandoned and when he breaks away from you, this is possibly due to the inability to accept that he feels extremely ashamed of how he is treating you.
You have the power to help him help himself. It may take some time, however, if you can bare the progress, it will be worth it in the long run. As we need to water our garden, so will he become flourished with joy and love. He loves you, he needs to be able to accept his shame/guilt and grow and be the best version of himself, he just needs you to push him in the right direction.
You have a beautiful family created by two amazing people.
I'm so glad everyone's been leading you to wonder in new ways. I think wonder can often lead us away from perhaps being too harsh on our self. You know what it's like sometimes when you find you're making statements about yourself based on believing what you're told by others. Your mind can be tightly closed, clutching onto the belief 'I'm unreasonable and unfair. I'm too brutal in regard to how I express myself and lacking in compassion'. If someone can lead you to wonder 'Am I unreasonable and unfair? Am I too brutal and lacking in compassion?' it can become mind altering. If you wonder enough, sometimes you can actually find the truth, which may be far from what you've been led to believe. Imagine wonder leading you to the realisation 'Heck, I've tried reasoning 'til I'm blue in the face. This makes me incredibly reasonable. And fair? If fairness was an art form, I'd equal the productions of Rembrandt. I've expressed so much compassion that I just aint got no more left. The well of compassion is empty, now it's time to express intolerance. I'm allowed to express it. It's okay.' Wonder can be a magical natural self esteem booster, once you follow its lead.
No, my husband never went to any of those sessions but that's okay. What I got, for my efforts, was the reward of greater consciousness. While I continue to change on my quest of growing consciousness, he remains largely unchanged. I've come to realise that's okay too. I've gradually disappointed him from a lot of the roles I'd originally appointed him. While the process of disappointment has held some grief, it has also enabled me to discover who I naturally am. While we're still together after 20 years, I've grown so much through the challenges he's given me. He's challenged me to vibe low, through doing little other than watching tv together. I've discovered through my intolerance of this that I'm naturally a high viber. While I can easily trigger my 2 grown teenagers to wonder (it's one of our favourite pastimes), I can rarely lead my husband to wonder about most things. Through this I've come to discover I'm naturally wonderful (full of wonder, like a kid). The list goes on when it comes to what the challenges have led me to discover about myself. In a way, you could say, I could not have come this far without him.
While you give your partner a piece of your mind on occasion, would it be the piece that holds the ability to naturally express who you are and what you feel?
How I appreciate this response as it is the kind of response I think I wanted to hear rather than needed to hear, thank you!
Although I do sincerely appreciate your perspective, I’m not sure he does lack self confidence. He is incredibly vein, he works out, he gets his hair and beard done at the barber each week, he has had many past relationships with stunning women. He tells me often how good looking he knows he is.
Sometimes I feel like he thinks he is too good for me now and that is why he is so nasty.
I’m a just a daggy Mum now, I haven’t had my hair done for over a year, I stopped working out, I don’t tan or do my nails, I look ok but I’m not the vibrant, up-kept woman I was when we met. I just don’t have any spare time, he’s too busy on himself to help and honestly I am a little scared to look any better, because I sit at home all day now, he wonders why I would dress up. I’m totally ok with the bun and trackies look
On one hand he will complain I’m not the same, actually importantly if we go out anywhere and I attempt to put in effort that is a huge deal because he thinks I’m trying to impress someone else. I have just about bled from scrubbing my face, removing makeup because he suggested I didn’t need it to go out. I was so mad at him, I took it out on myself rather.
It’s like when he lashes out at something, he genuinely goes away thinking he will just find someone better or worse yet, has someone better already. He can just treat me how he likes knowing I love him and will always try to support him when he returns.
Maybe he wants the security of a family but also wants to do what he wants away from his family as well because he’s better than us?
Of course I just have so many possibilities constantly floating around my mind on how someone can think and act in such a way. It’s very difficult to not resent him to some extent.
This reminded me of a comment I once read that “most people are in therapy to try and deal with the people who refuse to go to therapy”. Your situation sounds very similar to my last relationship, which was a domestic violence situation. Whirlwind romance, moved in together very quickly. My partner was the most loving, understanding, caring and charming person, until he wasn’t. It would build up gradually over weeks, he would become hypercritical, extremely jealous and then a huge blow-up when the mask would slip and you’d see the ugliness underneath. There was no insult that was off limits, no insult that was too vile. And then it would be almost like a release for him. You’d wake up the next morning shell-shocked and dazed, as if you’d done 10 bouts in the ring with Mike Tyson and be expecting remorse and an apology and instead no real acknowledgement, minimizing, it wasn’t that bad, rationalization, you both said things etc. Very occasionally an apology and groveling or more charm when felt you were pulling away. When someone shows you who they are, you need to believe them. It’s not often these things get better, in my experience (and others) these types of people become too comfortable violating your boundaries. They have a need for control and it’s never really enough, because it’s not about you. There is a free ebook called “why does he do that? Inside the minds of violent and controlling men” it is well worth a read and will help to shed some light on the behaviors that you see.