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Desperately needing help!

Community Member
My partner and I have endured a whirl wind of a relationship. I have been to see a psychologist who has advised I am seemingly ok! My partner on the other hand is not at all in my opinion but won’t seek the help he needs. I have begged and pleaded. On a good day this man is amazing, we have a 5 month old baby now and he is a brilliant Dad. He is kind and caring, he does anything for anyone at the drop of a hat. My partner has a very insecure other side, a completely different persona to say the least. He can be cruel and evil, his words are horrendous. He accuses me of cheating almost daily with every single man alive. He wants constant reassurance. I’m busy with two children, I can’t always be at his beck and call. We stay on the phone all day long, we spend every waking moment together when he is off of work but if I offend him in the slightest, he goes on a tangent. He breaks up with me, he calls me horrible names and he is just the worst person in the world. I wonder if he has bipolar, Borderline, I have no idea. I have researched a million possibilities and I try to approach with caution. I’m not a psychologist at all, I just try all avenues to see if any other form of communication will help him in fits of rage. I am desperate and cannot take anymore. Currently I have just cut communication. He is blowing up my phone, texts, calls and emails suggesting I’m a terrible person. I’m not, I’m truly not. I have never cheated, not even slightly. I stay home all day with our baby and clean and cook and just wait for this man who I truly love to no end. I just need help in trying to understand what I am dealing with. Does he have a disorder or is he just nasty, controlling, a horrible person deep down. Any help, any advice is so very much appreciated!
18 Replies 18

Good to hear from you MissPink13.

Going off your recent response, I'd defiantly believe that he may be experiencing grandiosity, again, from what you have stated. If he may have a grandiose attitude on life, than may be more difficult for you to navigate. It reminds me of a little boat trying to navigate around a big ship, how hard it must be. I also wonder if you have attempted in many ways to speak to him about your concerns and if he becomes easily offended about your feedback. Grandiosity usually implies digging for a reaction. They throw mud at us to see how we react. Reaction gives grandiosity fictional empowerment and the belief that one great (power).

I also want to clarify that you mentioned, he may make you feel somewhat of lesser value? You said: "I am a little scared to look any better, because I sit at home all day now, he wonders why I would dress up." I would never make my partner feel of lesser value as this is not benefiting me to live a happy and prosperous life in any means. Food for thought.

Relationships needs to be balanced equally and there needs to be open communication between both parties. If your partner is thinking that people are better than others, you may need to dig a little deep to see where this belief has come from, it could have manifested from past issues i.e. family upbringing. Sometimes we need to acknowledge that someone can grow to be a better person or change because that all they know and think that their behaviour and attitudes are totally normal (healthy).

For you, I can only suggested that you focus on what you enjoy doing, being as happy as you can, especially with you little family.

May be it's time for a boundaries chat with him.

Thank you for your response, again!

When I am stern on the no contact phase, he has all of these epiphanies suggesting why he’s the way he is.

He definitely thinks he is much better than the world and without putting him down, he doesn’t have any reason for it. He doesn’t have the best job, most money, best looking. He’s just a normal man, he’s not better than anyone in the world at all.

In light of the new covid situation, he picked up nappies and formula incase SA were due to lockdown. In saying that HE or his parents? I am not sure, nonetheless our baby was thought of and I appreciated that.

With him coming over, he asked me to sit and talk to him. I reluctantly listened as I have heard it all before..

He expressed how he self deflects and understands that he has a lot of issues. He said he has been trying to pinpoint the situations he’s experiences where he became the way he was.

I find it all so hard to believe, I think that is resentment. I said imagine carrying two bags, full of hate and anger and everything he has hung onto, now imagine I’m trying to give you a gift, love, compassion, all good things. You can’t hold it because you’re hands are full of what you don’t let go. He does see my perspective sometimes, I have to tweak the way I think to communicate sometimes but that is ok.

His timeline of events just don’t truly add up at all but without being able to confirm. He’s expressed being bullied as a chid. He understands now, he prefers to be the bully. He has expressed his parents were very abusive towards each other, violence, checking phones, again questioning movements etc. I told my partner we all experience some kind of pain and trauma, it’s our job and ours alone to ensure nobody else feels like we have in the past.

he described it as, if he feels like I’m attacking him, he will attack harder.

Why would we want to intentionally inflict pain onto someone we love?

Also I appreciate your concern so much! I don’t feel lesser value, I just get frustrated I am questioned for wanting to look and feel good. Somedays I don’t care, I think I’m a grown adult, I’ll do whatever I want!

I think as the days go by, I’m genuinely sensing myself let go of this relationship. The more independence I have again, I’m feeling like myself before the relationship. I missed myself so much! I’m not hurting a single soul in the world, so why should I adjust to be someone and something I’m not.

Hello MissPink, excuse me for interrupting all these great replies.

He can't keep telling you that he knows what may be wrong but do nothing about it, and although he may be terrific with the baby, that's not the issue here, it's his treatment of you, is what is concerning, you can't love one member and not the other person who has a mammoth job doing what you know is best.

You are entitled to wear makeup when you go out, you've been pregnant for 9 months and want to dress up, good on you and of course, you are not going to run off, what on earth is he thinking and to wear a dress after 9 months must make you feel beautiful, you deserve to.

Best wishes.


Hi MissPink13

Sounds like you're reaching an understanding that's going to naturally direct you when it comes to which way to go.

Re-membering yourself, kind of like bringing your self back together after some form of depressing disintegration, is such a natural and liberating form of self guidance. 'I re-member the me who loves joy, who loves peace, who loves ease, who loves the freedom to be myself, who loves the excitement of life' and so on, is a way of not only bringing yourself back together but it's also a way of falling in love with yourself all over again. This is what I'm finding in my own relationship. Not sure whether you feel the same but I found the disintegration process so gradual that I really didn't see it happening over the years. It's like waking up one day to suddenly find you've lost yourself, perhaps proclaiming 'This is not the life I'm meant to be living, one of ongoing sufferance'.

Wondering if it would make any difference to the relationship if you said to your partner 'You need to now fast track this process. You've expressed you know what the issues are, so now you need to find someone who can help you sort through them in a timely manner. If you don't, I'm not sure I have the patience or ability to wait this out, for you to gradually work out your challenges by yourself over the years to come'.

If he makes a commitment to not fast tracking his progress (for his own sake, for your sake and for the sake of the relationship), I imagine you have your answer when it comes to how many years this may go on for. The question is - can you tolerate that? Will you tolerate that?

He should love the person who pushes him to evolve beyond his own pain.


Thank you for your kind words, again!

I have definitely remembered who I am in the no contact stage. I didn’t forget but I kind of pushed her aside to appease someone’s insecurities. I think I woke up and thought, if I’m “not that good” then no problems, leave me be.

I am generally a happy person anyway but now I’m sensing some relief when it’s time for him to leave.

I have asked him many questions, including some some social media accounts I’ve discovered over the day or two. I never looked but I confronted him and asked if they were his. I felt extremely disappointed he had his full blown lying face on. I approached with confidence as if I knew what he was up to and he did seem concerned. If he’s off talking to other girls, what the hell am I still doing on these forums asking for help! Why am I still trying to be understanding and listen to him when he doesn’t care enough to change anything in the world. I feel sorry for myself and the time I’ve wasted trying to be supportive. I can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help them self.

In saying all of this, every comment has made me realise this man is the problem in our relationship and my life period. I kind of knew but as always, it ultimately has to be my own epiphany to the situation.

I’m happy to let it go, of course I feel disappointed and sad of a future that doesn’t exist anymore but even in questioning him and knowing he’s lying, I know deep down, he’s not going to change his own behaviour or attitude towards life and so I’m equally wasting my time and life living with his demons and self grandiose. I’m not him, it’s not my burden.

Thank you again to all of your advice and guidance and the advice and guidance of everyone that has followed this thread. I am so eternally grateful ❤️

Stay strong, MissPink13. For yourself and your baby.

You seem to be navigating the situation with intelligence and sensitivity. I wish you the best of good fortune as you work your way through this. You can encourage him to get help in dealing with his issues for sure though this becomes his responsibility to do so.


Hi MissPink13

I'm glad the path ahead is clearer and you can dedicate more time to loving yourself back to life. It's kind of a mind altering phrase, 'To love yourself back to life'. It's a bit like...Where did life go? Oh, there it is, away from all the drama and challenge that was beginning to bring me down. Alright, here we go, ready to reconnect...5, 4, 3, 3, 2, 1...Houston, we have lift off' 🙂

I wish to express my gratitude to you too. You've managed to raise my consciousness, in regard to my marriage. With you being able to identify key aspects regarding your own relationship, you've given out a few guiding lights/epiphanies. I do wish to thank you deeply, from the heart.

I imagine you can relate to the occasional wake up call in your relationship, where you're left thinking or wondering 'If this man loves me like he proclaims to, how could he possibly do or say something so highly questionable?' While your own psychological slap in to full consciousness came with the social media situation, my latest one also came with a bit of a sting. When my 18yo daughter expressed how much she, her brother and myself are bored with the house we live in, I added for grater clarity, so as not to trigger my husband 'I am deeply grateful for this house and always have been. We simply wish for us all to move on, to the next exciting adventure (a new home), as we'd done 16 years prior which led us to this one'. He could have expressed understanding, he could have asked 'How do you think we could make this one a little more exciting?' or he could have even expressed 'Why not, let's do it!' but be didn't. The man who proclaims to love us all sooooo much responded with 'Well, if you're that bored you can all leave'. Not sure if the sting came from his dismissiveness regarding our feelings or from the revelation that he feels this is his house, not ours (we can leave him in his house).

Myself, my daughter and my 15yo son have started living the dream. My daughter's been buying Tatts tickets toward our dream home 🙂 Nothing quite like imaging the future the way you want it to appear. Imagination can gradually lead you out what what you don't want.

Miss Pink, we shall imagine only the best 🙂

It really is such a mind over matter scenario! Life goes on, happy, sad, mad. It’s what we make it!

Seems we’re both imagining up and to some extent striving for a better tomorrow as well as appreciating our lives today, we’re not promised tomorrow after all. If we don’t live today, we MAY wake up tomorrow regretting the days we’ve been fortunate enough to have. Appreciating everything we have!

Your children sound like an abundance of strength for you and true clarification comes from our little blessings. We are their mirror image, so imagine their positive outlooks in their short lives, how beautiful and bright their outlook on life is. Well not to toot our horns, they had to get it from somewhere and it’s without saying, if we remain positive they too will follow with that.

You are amazing beyond measure and those beautiful children show that with their strength and courage to fulfil life in anyway they wish.

The best advice comes from unfiltered little minds, navigating life is equally difficult and rewarding, we just need to remind ourselves and others, we only get one let’s make it one to remember and always be grateful for.

Wishing you all the luck on that amazing home, you have to be in it to win it ❤️

Community Member
Hi MissPink13! Your story sounds familiar to mine, which i had just posted today. I had once bought new stunning bed linen and changed it because i knew he would come for the weekend the next day. I thought he will be happy but he lost it. He yelled in the phone why would i change the linen now, when he is not even here yet. So i took it all of and never used it again. I was so upset. Also the name calling sounds familiar. He called me names, i am too ashamed to even write or to say. He would always say later that he didnt mean it. I had the feeling he is Mr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. One moment “ i love you forever” and the next “ i hate you”. I hope you can stay strong and me too. I honestly dont believe they will change. As u said yourself. How can someone say they love you and treat you/ us so badly?!!!