Unemployed husband

[Hatedbydaughter]

Hi, my husband has been unemployed on and off since 2014. His last job only lasted a month or so after 18 months unemployed. I work two jobs to keep us afloat and when I ask him to do anything around the house, he becomes irate and calls me a narcissist and that I want to fight.  Neither is correct. I'm exhausted and asking for some help around the house. On weekends, he does nothing as I'm home so I'm expected to pick up the slack. I do work 6 hours though on a Saturday so I think there is some injustice in this. He cooks most nights of the working week and keeps the kitchen clean and washes our sheets. He believes that this is more than enough and that I'm expecting too much. Our garden is a mess and I've asked him if he can decorate the inside of the house for Christmas. That set him off again. He wants to see a counsellor that will agree that I'm a horrible narcissistic wife - something he repeatedly calls me - and that I need to back off. I rarely say much about this but frankly, asking someone to place some decorations around the house should not set off such an extreme reaction. 

I'm really tired and run down. I'm worried for my own physical and mental health. I fear that I will spend the next twenty-five years working just to pay the bills and with no savings. He does suffer from depression but refuses to get help. He blames me, our dog and everyone else for his state. 

I've run out of ideas and I don't want a divorce. 

[Picture]

Hello - that sounds like a very frustrating situation and not very healthy. Would it be worth seeing a neutral counsellor for the both of you? It sounds like you are both unhappy with how things are currently. It does sound like he is depressed and having low self esteem but is unfortunately lashing out. I feel like him getting some sort of job or volunteer work or hobby will be important for his self esteem, just for the sense of purpose. I can understand doing housework is not fulfilling for everyone. I also understand it is unfair you are doing so much and it does not seem he is equally sharing the load. I hope you can work out a satisfactory way forward

[trying_my_best]

Hi, I am so sorry that you are going through this experience. It sounds like it is very frustrating for you! 

As much as I have bot been quite in your shoes, i definitely understand how frustrating a lack of communication about where your partner is at can help to assist in some of the growing frustrations. 

Your partner suggesting counselling is a great step, however I do agree with Picture that if you do decide to go to counselling, together, separately or both, that you see one that is neutral. This could help both of you let out some of the feelings your having with a mediator and hopefully prevent some of the negative things your husband is saying to you. 

I wish you all the best 🫶

[amd1953]

Hello,

I feel your pain and suffering for the situation you are in.   There is nothing worse than finding yourself feeling so desperate with someone who should be sharing the responsibilities of providing for a family.   I agree with the other two replies you have received.   Professional advice would be a start, but it will only work if you are both on the same page and level of commitment.   We seldom consider the negative aspects of married life, but the reality is unfortunately a harsh reminder that there are no guarantees in this world.   I have to admit to being married twice and they were the two worst decisions I have ever made.   I would never consider putting myself through the ordeal again.   It just wasn't worth the stress and humiliation.   I do hope that you are able to find some common ground with your spouse and that you can reach an agreement as to the best way to move forward.

I wish you the very best

amd1953

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you 🤗

I think one of the most challenging things to achieve while lost and/or depressed can involve trying to gain a sense of who is the best guide for us. To be somewhat intuitive can make it much easier to find the guide or guidance we need. For example, what comes to mind could be 'Your friend Mary will have the best advice, phone her' or 'Why don't you try going on the Beyond Blue forums'. For others, who don't have that intuitive part of them developed quiet as well, the only sense can be that of going nowhere. It sounds like maybe you're the more intuitive one in the relationship. If there's something telling you that you can't keep going on like this, that part of you is insisting you find a new sense of direction, a direction that's going to better serve you mentally, physically and in other ways. It's something that insists on progress.

While your husband may see the counselling as an opportunity to gain validation, in regard to how he feels, it could end up being a foot in the door that opens up to serve him. It could lead him to go deeper than he normally would. So it could end up being an opportunity, one you're looking for, and that is for him to gain guidance.

While I could suggest that gardening is one of the greatest opportunities for meditation (based on my own experience), I'm also a realist. Having been married to the same guy for 23 years, I could say to him 'Why don't you get out into the garden and, in the process, tap into the visionary in you or tap into gaining a sense of the sage in you or the guide in you or even someone who's been great with offering a sense of direction in your life in the past. Simply see what comes to mind while you're out there in the garden. Try and gain some sense of what a constructive vision looks like through your imagination'. The realist comes into play when I consider trying to open his mind in such a way is comparable to trying to pry open something with a crowbar. It's most likely not going to happen and it's a heck of a lot of hard work. In reality, it's not about pulling weeds, it's about 'tapping in'. It's not a about physical work, it's about self development, exercising what we may not normally exercise. It can be easier to stick with what's familiar instead, what's comfortable and satisfying, what provides hits of dopamine to the brain. Whether that involves watching tv, gaming, drinking or something else, it can also be about breaking an addiction. 

It can end up being incredibly frustrating when we will put in the hard work it takes to manage our mental health, open our mind, develop ourself, try stuff outside the square and so on yet our partner will flat out refuse to do any of that work. For me, I've found this is where tough love comes in. Something along the line of 'You're either going to put in the work it takes to manage the challenges you face (with help/guidance if need be) or you're not going to do what it takes. Make a decision. Don't just sit there wishing things were different'. I know this sounds harsh but, from my own point of view and experience, I've put in a massive amount of work over the years in regard to all that stuff. At times it's been far from easy dealing with periods in depression but I've learned that I can either stay in that state or do what it takes to manage it and that includes understanding why I'm in that state and why I'm feeling what I'm feeling. While in that state it's not only myself that can suffer, the people around me can suffer too. The ultimate reason for having developed an intolerance towards doing no work is based on my husband having said time and time again 'No, I don't want to talk about it' or 'No, that's not me' or 'No, I'm happy doing what I'm doing' and stuff along those lines. It's a choice to not do anything and a one that leaves others to take responsibility. The responsibilities for others, such as yourself, can pile up. My heart goes out to you as you give yourself no choice but to come here. ❤️