My mother was a unloved child and now takes it out on her kids which she’s told us all she resentsus

[Halecia]

1. My mum never took the time to understand me, … writting this now I’m envisioning her leaning over me now breathing heavily whilst hurting me, acting sinister and attacking me. I left when I was younger. 16

my mum still had not STOPPED Sabotaging my happiness. I can tell you that even people on community based places especially close colleagues friends can see that I’ve changed from speaking to her. She tries to change the way I see and feel in myself. She hates me. She’s told me this. I am second to youngest of 4 sisters. I have two half sisters. My mum never remarried after my dad. She sinks down and lives in the past. But she never acts that certain way around new people. Anyway - Enough about Her. 

the way it’s impacted me and the way I feel is putting me last. And making me feel different. Like I am a different person to who I really am. My dad ( who is irresponsible) has told me to disconnect urgently stay away from contact and block her if I have to call the police so do it. 

she knows she’s hurt me. Attempted to get attention and flirt with my Domestic violence older guy I was seeing. My relationship. She has tried to manipulate and managed to sleep with every boyfriend I’ve had that’s managed to see her and unluckily grab her contact details. A lot of people tell me it’s my upbringing. BUT I can’t let my past dictate my happiness in the future. I’ve moved out lived in a lot of rentals worked studied all pushed myself todo this on my own. But when she threw me out into the street at 16, I went to live with new boyfriend. I’ve had to Explain and contact the police because she won’t let me live a happy free existence. She thought she could come at me with weapons (I won’t tell you what in particular) and try and kill me. She took us away from my loving father on A interstate train when I was a Kid. 

2025. I’m trying to heal. Like I’ve said to many people. I havnt been in a relationship since I was 26. And with the amount of trauma I’ve been through from my mum, I just want some space. I havnt seen my friends as I crossed them out when I got my own first rental out of home. 

despite being in a domestic violence relationship too, I havnt had time to heal. And with everything going on my mum tried to play the manipulation game on top of everything else I was going through and rang the police to attend because she attacked me harshly. And lied to the police with claims about me doing it to her. She knew she has hurt me. And she manipulated the system so much she tried to fight for an intervention order on me. She did the same thing with my older sister when she was 16.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I feel for you, very much so. First up I'll explain my experiences so you know the parallels then address some answers.

I'm 70yo but most of my life included a mother that was jealous of me and she had some sort of mental illness that was never diagnosed. She died this year aged 93. I had not seen her for 14 years. Being undiagnosed I had to surf the www for long periods trying to match her poor behaviour to any illness for it all to make sense. This is what could be missing in your knowledge. 

So some things my mother did to my family include-

• Manipulating siblings, family members, friends,  and our father against us. Called triangulation it results in losing those relationships due to her lying and twisting facts to hurt us. EG every time we fell out with her we'd lose our father.
• Destroy family events. 4 days before my first wedding she ruined it.
• Interfered with the upbringing of my children
• Threats like leaving us out of her will (she did)
• Favouritising others and their word against ours
• Interfering- eg ringing up my boss while at work and demonising me or my friends.

In the end in 2011 with 6 weeks before my 2nd wedding she told someone that she was going to ruin my wedding (again). I took no chances and got a AVO to keep her away. We had a good wedding.

In the good times I treated her well, painted her house inside and out, gardening and maintenance after my father passed away.

So the biggest revelation in my case was when a friend advised me to read a book called "Walking on egg shells" by Dr Christine Lawson or google Witch queen hermit waif . That might not be your mother but it certainly was mine. The four characters of Borderline Personality Disorder more common in females. BPD sufferers could have one or up to 4 of those characters and not all BPD people are so destructive. 

In the end removing her form my life was the best thing I'd ever done, charity begins at home (you). Your father has the insight to suggest that. 

Her treating new people better than her own family is commonly mentioned in narcissism, google it. 

You have a lot of living to do. It will be a challenge moving on without her because- she's your mother. Since 2011 I've adopted 2 older women as mother figures. They appreciate me, love me and treat me with respect. 

Spread your wings Halecia, control your life but a firm grasp of your life's entry and exit door. You can limit contact as a trial or no contact but you should not feel guilty.

Reply anytime I'm here daily

TonyWK

[Halecia]

Hey 👍 That was a really good reply thanks. I know my mum has narcissistic Traits but she wants to consume me with trying to figure her out so it ruins my life. 
 

my mother has done all the things that yours did I guess this is hard as I saw her Yesterday as I drove down to The City of Adelaide. I pulled up and straight away it ended in my telling her to Fck Off. She pretend to leave the door open so the dog got out and she pretended she couldn’t hear. That was the first trigger. She acts like a Victim All the time. And she highlights my mistakes. I’m still messed up from Fridays drive it was scenic but I needed to vent and socialise I was exhausted and she Rang me to manipulate me. I’ve been getting targeted with gaslighting and manipulation a lot the last three years. Not just with my mother putting in malicious false welfare checks but with another coercive controlling DV relationship. 
 

my mother may have had a shit child hood but that’s got no right for her to use us her own children to Take it out on like an emotional punching bag. 
My EX dysfunctional boyfriend from 2013 use to beat me up and try to convince everyone that I had undiagnosed schizophrenia to the point of calling me everyday sometimes at 3am just to have a vent and a go at me. Then when I had threats , assaults from him - left me having to call the police they told me that he had Bipolar on the System. look it’s all a lot. I’ve obviously had no support. I’m sorry.

My poppy died 2017 and mum said I could only attend the funeral if I shut up and said nothing. 
when my ex Use to hit me. She encouraged him to come into her car, and she took him back to her house. I told my mum clearly to Fck Off to her face but before I could finish the sentence I got my bag trashed and I was Screamed at. 
 

so yeah I get threatened screamed gaslit and hit all at the same time from her plus she makes other people do it too. I decided to feel sorry for her and put her away in a room with my thoughts. But as soon as she sees I’m doing that she does the whole “Hightlight my mistakes thing” verbally attacks threatens and hits me. So I reach out to people. I have to heal.

when I use to have friends over “Which was very rare she’s deliberately sabotage it making me look Stupid. I have really had enough Of Her. . She convinced a child phycologist that I hit her and that I had ADHD SO HE wrote ADHD medication so that I was a ghost and I didn’t know what I was doing. I’ve moved far away on the fleurieu pen., But she and this boy are damaging me by texting phycologically. They don’t know of my Address where I live. And I understand she may of had a bad upbringing. But showing me her child no respect to live my own life and to be Happy  in myself is A very clear indication that she wasn’t understood, and put down as a child. But I can’t let her Cross my bounderies.

she tried to make me think that she was going to kill me when I was 21. But she told the cops that I had schizophrenia. Falsely 
 

she always hits me tells people behind my back but in the same Room, That I’m Too Fat and I’m not her daughter. 
 

my mum threw me out after school when she was moving house one day. She kicked my other older sister out and put a restraining order on her. She use to lock me outside when I was an Adult just because she was having a freak out from cleaning the house. She wouldn’t let me in till Night. 
 

when we were living with her as kids, she use to lie to all of us and say we Won the lottery (Readers Digest) and that we were going to be moving to America. Which was a lie. 
I’ve had no guidence or direction , I know that the fact is. I know my mother’s upbringing wasn’t nice- With what little information I do have. But im 37. But it’s not my role to assist her.  It’s really hard to have a kids and put myself first since I havnt been in A Relationship And pregnant since I was 26. 

[Halecia]

Hey I pretty much have it all sorted and managed as to how to handle her. But when she for example- Knocks down boundaries and talks to me like I’m dead and does it infront of other people whilst talking over me. It’s really hard. I detached emotionally from her when I was 16/17 but I’ve found with my abusive child hood upbringing people influence me A LOT. So with there suggestions and opinions I’ve been home  and off on my own again. A million Times. 
my dad doesn’t understand my mentality he’s never really had a close connection with us Girls. 

• when I was with my ex I felt free to be able to live and travel around even though I was being assaulted (police are involved). 
  
  
• but after meeting prick no.2 he caused me to doubt in my self and redirected me to go live at home with my single mum at age 26. I’m mentally exhausted and torn from all the exhausted and traumatic events that have occurred after my ex. 

[white knight]

Hi Halecia,

I'm sorry I havent answered earlier, we had a glitch in our notifications.

I'm so glad I can help. Your latest posts have given me more to comment on so thanks for that.

The saying "a leopard doesnt change their spots is so appropriate in this discussion. My sister and I cut off our mother 14 years ago even though I knew my sister inherited many of mothers traits. 3 years ago my sister did exactly what my mother used to do- triangulate people eg bringing in between us a loved one in order to win an argument. I had to then cut her off too. For a few months I questioned myself that maybe it was me? But over time I grew to accept that their narcissism wasnt my fault and cutting them out was the best thing to do for my well being.

You have explained that you are worn out and the coming and going from your mothers life/home proves one thing and that is the gravitation of her power over you. This is how powerful people could be tiny little old ladies, strength by mind games. I personally would prefer physical abuse than mental torture.

The final leg of your journey in life with your mother in it has reached a hurdle, that you know you need to break away permanently. I did so many times maybe 30 before 2011 when it became forever. That was hard to do because I lost a few cousins also as she convinced them I was evil. Thats a real issue- that butter wouldnt melt in their mouths to some.

So the solution to all this is that final cut off point and forever reminding yourself how bad she was and how much you tried. But in 2011 I no longer had my father alive. So her taking him off me (she did it many times) was no longer a problem for me. Whereas you might lose your dad. Are you prepared to run that risk. What are your alternatives? Well you could just stay away and turn up before xmas one night with a couple of small gifts just to see you dad. If anything is said remain calm and say "we are just not compatible, I'm happy seeing you once or twice a year". Then refuse to get into an argument.

As for toxic texts. Block those that adversely effect your mental health. The freedom you will experience is bitter sweet. Yes you lose one or both parents but you can live your life with definite boundaries as to who can stay in your life and who does deserve any such privilege.

I hope you are ok. Replay and I hope I'm notified this time, if I'm late you know why.

BTW- you are showing great compassion by trying so hard with your family.

TonyWK