I set boundaries with my Adult sun with his recovery of addiction He doesn't want me to contact him

[MandyLou]

Hi all,

after a very long journey with my 25 year old son long story short his Father died when he was 7 and has struggled since. He has suffered with MH issues through teens and addiction to alcohol. He has taken other things in the past. I have always as a loving mother, have always  cone to his rescue . This year has been the worst watching him 24/7 for 10 months until he agreed to  go through detox and is waiting to get into rehab. I broke the lease on our rental so he would stick with detox plus as i had to quit my job i couldnt  afford to rent on my own

hes a lovely young man he hasnt been involved with the police or anything. 
3 weeks ago he was staying with me at my mothers who is a hoarder because he didnt go straight to rehab. He threatened to drink i had to leave , i drove 2 hours away to a friends farm, i just cant cope with it . I have lost so much weight from stress and anxiety fearing the worst would happen. Im now 5 hours away. After a call today he let me know he wants to drink at Christmas if hes not in rehab. I had to leave the conversation. I messaged him how i need to save myself and i can offer him love and encouragement but i cant keep rescuing because of his decisions. Etc He has replied he understands and doesnt want me to contact him. He will contact me. I feel awe ful as i know hes struggling . Its fear for me as i lost his Dad to MH. 
is it unreasonable to tell him i cant be around for Christmas due to not  wanting to be around alcohol and i cant cope with him saying he wants to drink?  I feel guilty . Why doesnt he want ne to contact him? I have been leaving it to him alot lately anyway. 
thank you for reading.  

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I have some idea what you are tolerating only because I had to "save" myself from my mothers antics and never saw her for the last 13 years of her life. Guilt has always played a part of my life with dealing with her and I had to learn that guilt is actually an enemy although it begins as a component of your kind loving side.

Saving yourself after all these years is actually a very sad situation and its normal to get caught up with the emotions of it all. Thats not to mention how you would feel a failure as a mother. But remind yourself that you are human and all humans have their breaking point.

He has told you he will contact you, for you not to contact him. That is I assume because he feels rejected and he is incapable of living up to the bare minimum of expectations you, others and life demands. To "save yourself" you do whatever it takes, be it xmas, birthdays etc, simply dont allow events, dates, to interrupt the most important procedure of your life- saving that person that you are.

So, no different to grieving a lost loved one you must carry out some changes. Keep very busy. It's ok to have a cry for 20 minutes then switch your mindset- rise and go for a walk- change your environment. Take up a hobby, meet new friends and read books.

I have a couple of posts below that might help.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/switching-mindsets/td-p/274532/page/2

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/guilt-the-tormentor/td-p/321604

YOUR MOTHERHOOD DEAR LADY

When you were left without his dad

The worst time that made you sad

To do your best and then some

To be the dad and also the mum

But over time you're no superman

To do the very best that you can

Is all that can be asked of any parents love

Not all futures end up as white doves

To gather your heart and its pieces much

To use that glue sticky to touch

To bond those bits together not let them slip

You can help anyone when you need your grip

Life can be days of an empty chest

and sometimes we feel like a part time guest

But the sun will always set in the west 

Your motherhood dear lady, you've done your best...

TonyWK

[Summer Rose]

Hi MandyLou

I can tell from your post that you love your son dearly and I know that you have made huge sacrifices to try and help him. He is very lucky to have such a loving mother. 
Your request for your son not to drink at Christmas is reasonable. Your inability to watch him drink at Christmas is totally understandable. Your willingness to continue providing love and support is appropriate.

What I am saying is that, you have done everything right. Please don’t feel guilty, you have shown great strength and love by refusing to watch him continue his drinking.

I’m sorry that your Christmas will likely be challenging and I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Please post any time if you want to talk some more.

Kind thoughts to you