Understanding feelings of rejection.
Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like loss and grief. You can’t have the good bits without sometimes experiencing the bad, it’s just the way it is! So we all need to develop ways of managing the difficult emotions that rejection throws up.
Lets think about what those thoughts or emotions might be. Here’s some examples.
1. “I’m not good enough”
This is a common one. It’s so easy for us to see what we think are faults and think that others can see them too and convince ourselves that these faults make us unlovable. These thoughts are often on replay from a nasty part of our brain, that low self-esteem part that makes us believe that unless we are “perfect”, we cannot possibly be loved or accepted. The honest truth is that we are all just imperfect passengers on the"bus of life”, doing the best we can with whatever we can in the moment! So welcome on board. Brene Brown has some wonderful YouTube videos about this, I'm going to share one below however also recommend you check out her channel as there are many more!
2. "Nobody will ever love me”.
This is a very common thought and it comes from the anxious part of our brains that also seems to have a crystal ball! The anxiety centre seems to think it has very good predictive powers but it is a trap and don’t listen to it! It’s a complete and utter lie that anxiety often tells us.
3. “I’ve ruined the ‘perfect relationship’, now what?”
Sometimes this is a stage of grief. Often, when we are grieving a loss, we go through a phase of idealising. Things like “it was perfect” are common because it conveniently erases all the things that weren’t that you don’t want to deal with. For example: I see this sometimes with patients who had terrible relationships with their family members and complain bitterly for years, and then once they pass away, the grief allows them to only seem to recall the wonderful times. In some ways, it a blessing, but it can mean in some situations that the hindsight is not always accurate. I also think that in viewing the relationship in an idealised way prevents any real opportunity to learn and grow from it. We can all gain from understanding how we went wrong in experiences so that we don’t repeat the same unintended mistakes.
In summary, rejection is a common and necessary part of being in the game of life. To not be in the game because of fear would be a huge shame . Life is too short not to experience the many wonderful emotions that come from being ourselves. In Brene Brown's language:
it’s important not to spend your time walking around the arena of life waiting to feel perfect so you won’t be rejected. Just kick the door down and step in and don’t let the critics get you down.
I can't find another post by you so I'd like to welcome you here in Dr Kim's thread. (If you do have a thread already please let me know, I apologize for not finding it)
It sounds that the last 5 years have been a most horrible time for you and being so alone is very bad.
Do you think you might like to make your own thread in the Forum? It's the thing most people do and is quite simple. Just go to the section you think is right (perhaps Depression, perhaps Suicidal Thoughts) and hit the NEW THREAD button.
Doing this gives you your own area where you can talk about the difficulties facing you. Others can see what you have written and can answer.
We would really like to know more about you and your situation. Being alone with 3 kids and so down is something many can relate to.
You will be sure of care and understanding wherever you post
this post seems a very good resource although I feel the type of rejection I experience daily isn’t listed and I’d like to hear others thoughts on it. As I have no spiritual beliefs I have found it easy to separate my self view from the ways others view me in terms of rejection. Other people’s thoughts about me are not my concern, however, my thoughts about me are very troubling. I am rejecting me on a daily basis despite being aware others are not. I usually make it through my day by pushing these thoughts to one side. My partner helped as a distraction from these thoughts but he has recently gone home for a few months and the feelings of self rejection are harder to keep in check. It’s hard to describe the feeling. Perhaps I can liken it to my ideal being a crisp fresh Granny Smith Apple and feeling like an old bruised decomposing pink lady Apple. I’ve had a lot of time to reflect as I am currently enjoying isolation haha.
Is it about WORTH?
Someone with me know says they love me, but I cannot believe it, because I have no worth - and in my mind, always, I have no worth to them. I really understand how hard it is to love someone else now. Don't even ask me about sex - what should be the most intimate leaves me feeling the loneliest I've ever felt...
This is exactly what I needed to work through right now. I'm heading into the 10th week of my separation. The sense of relief I felt that things had finally ended have given way to a deep sense of loss and hopelessness.
I spent 17 years giving some one unconditional love and then he left me. His need to leave was so great, he also had to leave behind his two children whom he loved very much. He left without a penny, without an income and with no place to go to. I never asked for anything but his happiness. I shielded him from harm. I supported him financially and emotionally.
I must be the worst person on earth. The ugliest, most unlovable ogre that has ever existed for him to have done that. Where to now?