Feeling helpless

Fth_arsha · ‎16-06-2021

Hi, so my husband and I were planning to get divorce. Simply because I don’t work and have any income. We’re having a 4 months old baby. He said he’s not ready to have kid and asked me to do an abortion at 24 weeks. Which is crazy but I didn’t do it and as a result he wants me to take care of the child alone. From feeding him, to bath him and I have to find jobs and babysitter all alone. I’m even doing all the house chores alone. All he does is go to work, get back home, get paid and call me lazy. Simply because I didn’t earn any money from doing all the house chores. I’m emotionally unstable right now because he keeps blaming me for everything. Literally everything. When he loses money on gambling, he blames me. When his money getting low because he kept spending it on shoes, shirts and whatsoever, he blames me. When I told him to save up for future he simply tells me that it was his money so he can do whatever the hell he wants. He even get physical towards me when arguing about me finding a job. I’ve been sending resume, rang a child care centre and still he have the audacity to call me lazy and not putting an effort. He doesn’t have the balls to bear his own responsibility and now he’s calling me the “lazy” one. He’s not ready to have kid but too lazy to wear a condom and rely too much on that one mini pill. I’m a first time mum and I don’t have any support system to help me with taking care of my baby. I felt like I want to give up. Every single day. I felt like doing self harm because that’s the only way I can cope with all this things going on right now.

Sophie_M · ‎16-06-2021

Hi Fth.arsha,

Welcome to the forum, it's wonderful to have you join us. This must be incredibly challenging for you to have with such lack of support, particularly from your partner. It takes a community to raise a child and to do this on your own must be really tough. It is more than fair to expect support from both parents of a child and can understand how you could be questioning your mental stability right now. Money issues can put an extra pressure, especially if it is being withheld to support you and your child. We have contacted you privately to offer you support. There are other services available to you when you need them.

We would strongly urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer 24/7 confidential information, counselling and support for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice and support to anyone who has been through trauma like this. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or visit  https://www.1800respect.org.au/

If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We would recommend that you get in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships.

You do not have to deal with anything alone and we are here to support you. Please continue to visit the forum and stay in touch.

Guest_3256 · ‎16-06-2021

Hello Fth.arsha.

I just want to let you know how strong, and brave you are and also how much you care for your new little family. I believe that something you might be struggling with is thanking yourself for what you are going though. Your partner's bad behaviour is his own to doing, it has nothing to with you because going through pregnancy, managing the house-hold tasks, putting your new born and your partners health before yours, trying to finding a job and also managing his behaviour is extremely courageous and very difficult at the same time. There are no words that can describe how much effort you are doing to manage and look after everything while your husband is too busy getting upset with his own issues and the inability to control how he feels and that is no reflection on who you are a s person.

What can you do about the situation? I'll be honest, there's a lot you can do to change the dynamic of your relationship and it starts with enforcing your personal boundaries. Your husband is treating you like this because he thinks he can and that you may not stand up for yourself. You have to change the way he perceives you as a person and this can be done by being more independent, not reacting or being defensive to his outbursts/ child tantrums. Do not give in to his behaviour. Show no anger and be resilient. He needs to perceive you as someone who is strong, brave, independent and resilient. In other words, he needs to chase you, work hard for you, hunt for you because you deserve his love and he deserves yours.

Remember, to value who you are, to enforce boundaries and to be resilient.