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Trying to move on

Timmy_B
Community Member

Hi all, just trying to reach out and get some helpful advice on my relationship situation.

 My wife and I have been married for the last seven years but been together for about 16 years. We have 2 children 5 & 3. We have separated and this is the second time as the last time was 12 months ago. She asked for the seperation the first time and I asked for it the second however I did it for her as leading up to it she really closed off from me and had a look of death in her eyes towards me. She would not talk about it and I told her I just wanted to see her happy and not hurt her anymore. 

It has been about 5 weeks now and we are being amicable as we want to do the best for the children, I am living in the studio down the back and she is in the house with the kids. The kids stay in the studio with me sometimes. I support her as much as I can with bringing in the sole income and helping with the kids. 

I am really finding it hard to move on, I am grieving the loss of my wife and it is effecting me in the way I am parenting as I just feel sad when I am with the kids and as we are still parenting together I see her a lot and it is really hard as I crave that connection we once had. I am also finding it difficult on the sexual level as I am still sexually attracted to her. I am mixed up at the moment and just want to find a way to move on. Not sure what to do?

how do you stop loving someone you love and care for?

she has told me that she loves me as the father off our children and that she misses me, but I know it is for the better that we both move on in our life journey as we have just grown in different directions.

How long does it take to get over your love for your wife when you decide to do life apart?

what are the big challenges going to be?

 

Tim

11 Replies 11

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Timmy B,  welcome here to Beyond Blue

It seems over to me. Sorry to say. I feel your loss and I've been there twice. Am married again and very happy.

Firstly, living on the same property isnt helping you move on at all. That is a form of torture really. Time to move out hopefully nearby and if you keep embracing the sharing of your kids then thats a bonus. At all costs try to keep that arrangement going.

Then your wife can apply for assistance from Centrelink. You'll have to pay child support which will not make your new life all that comfortable. Now....how do you move on?

You plough yourself into projects.

When my first marriage collapsed (we had two girls 7 and 4yo) I initially lived in a small caravan in a caravan park. It was hard. Then I bought a block of land and dreamed of my new home on it. I erected a shed then built my own house. I worked 12 hour shift work and after each shift worked 3-4 hours on the house then slept and went to work again. It worked, I was so tired and busy I grieved less.

Then there is that slight possibility you and your wife will re-unite. But beware. As friendly as things can continue, all that hard work can come undone later on, and property settlement can cause you to lose property yet again. Just protect yourself.

For me and the mother of our children having a flowing communication was impossible with her. I tried everything. So keep embracing that.

Keep busy. Get  a hobby, sport, new interest. And sometimes, with some people, love can only be replaced by love. Emotionally you might not move on fully until you find a more compatible partner.

In the meantime being a good dad is your focus.

Take care   Tony WK

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

dear Tim, well I want to thank you for sending in your comment, which there is never an easy solution.

I know that Tony has been through this and I believe other members have as well and this includes myself.

I tend to agree if you are staying in the back room it makes this situation so much worse off, and I know that this is going to upset you, and you may decide not to move out, but you won't be able to cut the ties, not with your kids, but with your wife, who seems as though she doesn't want the marriage to continue.

Can I just briefly mention my situation, where my wife divorced me, and why does not matter at the moment, our house was sold and she has moved on, however we still see each other, and believe it still love each other where this is displayed in birthday/Xmas cards, and we still share presents for our kids and grand children.

All of this may not matter at the moment, but you can tell your children that you still love their mum, your wife or even ex wife, she may have another story to tell them, but irrespectively from this your story will be of great benefit to them.

You can't really stay on the premises, simply because your wife will regret you doing this and this means that her love for you will be diminished.

If you leave the premises then as Tony has said she can claim a payment from centrelink.

I still love my ex just as you can still your wife (ex). Geoff.

Tony, thank you for your insight, it is a relief to have any input into my head with someone that has/is going through the same situation that i am. I guess moving out does create financial worry for me as i will need to pay a childcare benefit and also try and sustain another house for my children to stay in with me when i get to hang out with them. I guess what really keeps me here is that faint possibility that this will work out with us which they kind of did last time but too soon. We deffinatley don't hate each other and regard ourselves as friends. But i think you are right and it is time i did something for Tim instead of putting everyone else first.

 

Thank You,

 

Tim

Timmy_B
Community Member
Geoff, thank you for your post, being in this situation is difficult but yet it is made a little easier knowing there is some good people out there with good advice that have shared the same situation. Thank you, Tim.

missyjane86
Community Member
Hi Tim,
 

 

 I hope you start seeing the light soon, I Think when you share children with someone your always going to care about the other parent to a point, If you know in your heart your doing the right thing then it will become easier in time, living so close maybe making the situation less tolerable on Ur heart.

 

a broken family is always difficult to over come, so don't be too hard on how Ur feeling, it is normal to greve over something that once was....

Thanks missyjane. I do hope I see the light too. I know it is for the better, and we have both become better parents to I children as individuals. I am using the law of attraction to not bring us back together but to have us both happier so I really need to trust the universe that everything is going to be o.k

Dumped_confused
Community Member

Hey Tim, thanks for sharing.

I'm in the same situation but I've moved out and even though I see my ex 3 times a week for handovers with our daughter, it's easier for me coming home to my own space. We also had it in our heads that we would rekindle but it turns out he's not in love with me anymore as I found out last night.  It's completely soul destroying but it's time for me to move on and I thank goodness for my own space to be able to deal with it. I've been able to claim family tax benefit which is a huge help, look into it.  I'm not at the stage where I can say that it's gotten better with time, it's bloody hard everyday, but it will get better with the right support and the love of your children. My daughter is 2 and she sees me crying and always kisses my belly and tells me to be happy ok mum? Makes me smile. I am focusing on her, on my social life, on work and on ME! I wish for you to find the strength to do what makes you happy.  Thanks again for sharing, i don't feel alone in this shitty situation.  All the best Tim.

 

maggie

Hi Tim, 
 

Yes trust your heart, attraction unfortunately these days is not enough. There is so much to a relationship, and if there lacking and fall apart we tend to lose sight ....

 

I hope everything gets better for you really soon. Keep strong, each day will get better.

Hey missyjane thank you and sorry maybe Google the law of attraction, think  I was a little mis understood. Thank you so much