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Am I depressed or just hurting

Community Member

After a 33 year relationship with 28 1/2 years of that being married, it is now over.  Things have got to the point in our relationship that cant be fixed, we are financiallly strapped after my ex husband not working for 8 months, so as a result we are separated but still under the same roof, he is in a different room and there is no form of relationship physical or emotional.  This is the hardest thing I have had to deal with.

 Throughout our time together he has suffered major depression and I have been there to support him, love him and pick up the pieces, I pretty much raised our 3 children on my own.  I was always there, who was there for me, no one asked how I was coping, how are you feeling, when cracks started appearing in my wall I quickly rebuilt it so my inadequacy and worthlessness could not seep through.

As a result of me hiding my feelings for so long our physical, emotional and closeness suffered immensely, I take ownership of a lot of it but after a lot of self reflection It cant just be my fault but he just says we are both to blame but wont talk about or own his part in this mess.

At the moment I don't sleep, I hate nights as the darkness closes around me and my mind thinks all sorts of weird, disparaging and horrible thoughts.

Am I just sad or am I becoming depressed, my ex mentioned it and I "laughed" at him, I am seen as the strong one, I have an ability to put up a ,facade but my god I am hurting on the inside.  Am I so controlling because of my past, my parents separated when I was 11, I was touched by my step father but never said anything to anyone and I have always had very low self esteem.

He has sunk into the depth of depression again but has sought relief and emotional support in a third party involved in our separation, that is hard and hurts me but I know we are over and it has nothing to do with me.

 So I guess my question is am I just sad and hurting or are things getting the better of me and I am sliding into some form of depression?

4 Replies 4

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

dear BH, and excuse me for abbreviating your user name, but I want to thank you for disclosing your trouble which is in fact rather sad but it is deep and has been happening for a long time.

We ask ourselves what is the difference between being sad or being depressed, well so I believe that being sad for a long time qualifies for being depressed, however I'm not a psychologist nor a doctor, and my opinion is not a diagnosis, but only comes from being depressed myself.

When you have to look after all that goes on in the household and this includes looking after your husband who suffers from depression, it is an enormous job that has to be carried out, and there does come a time when you just need someone to help you out, and talk to, but to try and get someone to listen to you is never an easy job, simply because most people don't really care, and when this happens you to tend to break down, but there is no one else who can perform the duties which you have done for years.

This facade can't be held up in the long run, but that is what you have been doing for many years, and now that your husband has seek someone to talk to, is the final breaking point for you.

This person you don't know who they are, but presuming it's another female, does make the union or marriage if we can call it that, perhaps only by a piece of paper, seems as though it's time that it needs to cut.

He has begun this severance a long time ago, probably long before you ever realised, but now your children must be adults and living their own life, by being married or living with someone, so now it's time for you to end the marriage, and for you to try and begin a new life, but please I would suggest that you go and see your doctor.

I'm almost out of characters, but if there is another female involved with him then all of this is going to become a bit messy, and I don't want this to happen to you.

Hope that you can reply back and please correct if I am wrong. L Geoff. x

Thank you Geoff

Today was a really bad day, the third party is another woman, but he was out with someone else all last night talking that he met yesterday, he is lost but looking happy if that makes sense.  We're they talking that is none of my business but why does it hurt so much, is it that we only separated 2 weeks ago and has been in touch with 3 different women including the 3rd party

I have two children living at home, 18 and 16, there is so much to try to sort out.

today was one of the hardest days, lots of crying .

we really talked tonight for the first time in a long time, no arguing, blaming, it's a shame it's all too late

i have asked him to find somewhere to move to as this is not working for me it is too much in your face at the moment

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636..

Thanks to Geoff and the Beyond Blue team, the the other day was particularly bad but I am feeling better after talking to close friends and surprisingly my Ex, I know our marriage is over so now I need to concentrate on getting better myself, the beyond blue team has been a great help in giving me some guidance.

dear BH, I am just so pleased that the Moderators have been in contact with you, and would certainly be more informative and helpful than what I have to say, but that doesn't mean that I don't care for you, because I do.

Can I say that now he is getting in contact with other people maybe a good idea, but then it could back-fire, especially when another lady becomes involved, and it wouldn't be a counsellor/psychologist because they normally won't do any counselling outside of their working hours, simply because they want to be paid.

It is good that you both have spoken to each other, and this may make it much easier for the separation and perhaps whatever else happens. L Geoff. x