Trying to hang on

[leavesofautumn]

I've never done anything like this before, I'm a very private person, but, after reading someone else's thread and seeing how warm and caring her responses were, i thought i could try it myself.

I dont have any friends, i have acquaintances. I've tried many times to make and sustain friendships but it doesn't work out.

I don't have anyone to talk to and the loneliness is horrendous. The family situation is complicated, stressful and toxic so I keep my distance from them also.

I have a son, who is beautiful, kind and sweet. He is having a good few weeks but his life is mostly quite stressful with the challenges he faces. He is receiving good therapy for his autism and that is helping me feel hopeful. A lot of the time it is heartbreaking to watch him be rejected by peers and my family. School is stressful for him so on weekends and after school he refuses to leave the house, now he is refusing to go away on holiday over summer and we will be stuck at home every day for weeks.

My life consists of work, caring for my son and exhaustion. I feel like all the people in my life are toxic for me, work, family, my sons father. I feel trapped living day by day in exhaustion and anxiety.

Im trying to find ways to be positive and to not feel like I'm drowning but the fear of my son's father moving to australia next year and all the crap that comes with that is the final deflation on my life boat. He is incredibly difficult to deal with, i never know what agenda he is working towards and whether that involves manipulating my son. He has no normal boundaries and will do anything to be seen in a good light and says personal things to parents at school, teachers, my sons therapists, even my family or past friends and has no regard for how negatively that can affect me. He writes me emails or calls with blame, hatred, belittling and manipulation and the thought of that being on my door step, in my life on a daily basis is frightening.. it is relentless.

The energy i have goes to my son, he needs me to be there, to support him - i can't give any energy to toxic people.. but now i have no one..

If anyone is out there reading this, i thank you for your time.. it means a lot to me

[leavesofautumn]

Thank you Julia, that's great advice. It's very kind of you to be so supportive and thoughtful.