Trying to do the right thing doesn’t guarantee anything

[BrokenWindow]

I’ve had depression for 15+ years which was managed by medication. I was in a 9 year relationship that I ended as he was an alcoholic and I when I was scared to go home I knew it was time to end it. It was a horrible breakup process and took me 4 years to even want to try dating again. And then I met this loving, caring man on a night out, and at the time I misinterpreted his actions thinking he was falling in love with me. This lead to a 7 year relationship and I thought he was the one, but when my depression returned deeper then I’ve ever experienced. Under his and my sisters guidance I was admitted to psychiatric wards 3 times for ECT, TMS, and multiple medication combinations which I did not respond to. I’ve been told by psychiatrists that I intellectualise my therapy techniques but don’t connect emotionally to them. I could see the damage I was doing to my boyfriend and because of my own warped sense of reality I could never believe he loved me, he just needed someone to fill the ‘girlfriend’ position. I tried so hard to give him the best but I could see how much he was suffering so I thought ending the relationship would be best for both of us. It’s now been 6mths, my depression is at its lowest. He’s now been dating someone for 3months and she is beautiful,  younger and making him comfortable enough to publicise their relationship in ways he never did with me. I feel so bad that I wasted so much of his time, and I’m heartbroken that this was my closest change of being loved. I don’t know what I expect to from posting this, I don’t want sympathy or compassion. People have it much worse than me. I guess I just want society to change so that we are allowed to end our life’s when and where we choose in a safe, peaceful way. I really am happy for him In his new life, and want him to have that always. But I wish I could have been the one as I miss the life we had together and the hope for the future. 

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at such a reflective and painful time in your life. My heart goes out to you so much, it truly does. ❤️

While having managed the ins and outs of depressions over the years, one thing I've come to learn is...not every single thing I try is going to raise me out of certain depressions. In thinking this way, we can become much kinder toward ourself and more patient with ourself. And if there are other people helping to raise us, they're not always going to be able to hit on the one thing or the things that are going to do it and that's not our fault. 

As a 55yo gal, it's only been in the last handful of years that the greatest revelation came to me. I am sensitive, with the ability to sense. With the ability to sense, it can be easy for us to sense whether meds are working or not, whether certain talk therapy's working or not, whether other forms of therapy are working or not. With the ability to sense, we can sense whether our partner is bringing us down, simply tolerating our ways of thinking and behaviour, raising us to find what works or not. With the ability to sense, we may even be able to sense whether the depression we're in is a physical/chemistry based one, a mental/psychological based one or more of a soulful/soul destroying one or if it's become a brutal combo of all three. With a deeply soulful kind of depression, which can lead to mental and physical/chemical issues, you could have 50 psychologists and 50 different partners address it from a psychological, chemical and mental perspective and find nothing and no one makes a difference. You could then find the one person who addresses it for exactly what it is and the impact can be life changing.

With you mentioning psychiatrists telling you that you intellectualise certain therapies, this would point to you being somewhat of an intellect, someone with unique intelligence. If you are also 'a sensitive' or soulful type, this leads me to wonder whether you're a sensitive or a soulful intellect. This is quite a unique combo, a combination that I'm wondering whether anyone's fully addressed. If this is the case, you could then logically say 'It is not my fault that no one has addressed my unique nature which include my abilities (to feel and rationalise)'.

[BrokenWindow]

Thank you for your kind words, even though my brain is giving me 100 pieces of evidence that disproves it, I do really appreciate the time and thought you took in responding to me. 

[therising]

Hi BrokenWindow

I can relate to where you're coming from, how what people can say at times just doesn't resonate in any way that makes a significant difference. While others may share their own personal revelations, at the end of the day what makes a difference to us has to be mind altering for us. Perception doesn't change without that which is personally mind altering.

So many factors can contribute to a person's own experience of a depression, including the length and the depth of that depression. While I can relate to periods in depression, I can also remember what long term depression felt like. It can wear you down to the point where you can lose yourself in it and the inner dialogue becomes so convincing and unrelenting at the same time. Years of that kind of stuff can change us in so many different ways. I have a legitimate fear of returning to long term depression. While certain people say to me on occasion 'Why do you have to analyse the hell out of everything?' when I face periods in depression, my way of thinking is 'If I analyse the hell out of things, I won't have to face what can feel like hell on earth (long term depression)'. 

From my own experience, I tend to compare depression to a well (depression in the ground). You don't necessarily feel yourself teetering on the brink of going in. You might not even feel yourself having gone in there. At some point though you can feel yourself in that well. The deeper you go, the darker it gets. The deeper you go, the more intense the inner dialogue becomes. And while the absolute depths are a brutal place to be, nothing on earth compares to rock bottom (a place I will never forget). I think sometimes what can make a difference is if people come and sit with us for a while in that place, so it doesn't feel so lonely. They don't have to necessarily come to 'fix' us, just sit with us in the place we're at. If they happen to raise us just a little, in that well/depression, then that's definitely a much welcomed bonus.