My wife of 4 years wants me to accept that she needs to have sex with her clients

[Mcv1105]

I am a 68 year old male who raised 4 kids as a single Dad. After 10 years of being single I met and fell in love with a woman working in the sex industry ( teaching tantra’s) when I met her she was clear that she had 4 regular clients … two of whom she had unprotected sex with and two protected. After seeing her for about 9 months she asked me to marry her … I accepted. I had assumed that after the marriage she would stop having sex with her tantra clients … but she continued and when I confronted her and told her that I was leaving the marriage she promised to put boundaries in place and stop having sex with clients … she would focus on teaching tantra’s without intercourse or oral sex.

we live in separate houses and spend two or three days a week together ….we both work from home

after 4 years she is now pressuring me to surrender and accept that she needs to have sex with clients if she is to teach tantra. She states that it gives her power and makes her feel free. .. she argues that she is helping her clients who need her! It also means she can earn more money.

she was sexually abused as a child from age 7 for many years by her older brother who had serious anger issues … both her other two brothers are gay.

the situation is doing my head in … I love her and thought by marrying her she could find some stability … I believe that she is using sex with male clients whom  she cultivates to become “regulars” to feed her need to feel powerful and overcome the childhood trauma. She tells me she has dealt with her trauma but I don’t believe her … her brother has never been confronted by the family or the police for abusing her over many years … he has never been held to account.

lately I have been feeling extremely worthless and very down to the extent of contemplating how to end my life. The marital situation is not helping and I’ve told my wife that she should just do what she needs to do without hurting me.

I have been hurt enough and feel I should just cut ties with her as her behaviour and need for power through sex is not normal or healthy. I have decided that I will not surrender my boundary that she not have sex with clients. I am having serious trust issues and am not coping.

i feel I’m losing my mind and don’t know what is right anymore. I can’t talk to my children or friends about it as I am ashamed of what she does and my kids and friends don’t know. I can’t continue as it is destroying my mental health … I’m having nightmares and have started drinking pretty heavily on a daily basis to numb the pain.

[Sophie_M]

Hi there,  

Firstly, a big welcome to the forums! We're so sorry to hear you are going through this, thank you for sharing so openly with the community. We know how difficult it can be to to come here and post, and we're grateful you did so as it can be a powerful step towards feeling better. Please know that you're in a safe space for doing so here, with a lovely community of kind and understanding people.  

We can hear that you are carrying a lot with this relationship, it can be difficult to carry the weight of someone else's trauma when you aren't able to talk to those around you. Please know that there’s always someone here for you to talk it through with. The Beyond Blue counsellors are available 24/7 online, here. If using the phone would be difficult for you, you can reach them via webchat or email:    We’re sure we’ll hear from our lovely, supportive community soon. In the meantime, here’s a few things you might like to look at:  

• Blue Knot’s advice on self-care for survivors of trauma and abuse  

• 1800 RESPECT’s advice on healthy relationships.  

• Relationships Australia’s advice on communication in relationships   

We are here to support you and you are not alone. We can hear you've been contemplating ending your life. This is serious and we'd encourage you to reach out when those thoughts come up, Lifeline is always available on 13 11 14, as well as the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467.

Thank you so much for having the bravery to share here. Please feel free to update at any time and let us know what is going on for you, and what might help, if you feel comfortable.   

Kind regards,   

Sophie M 

[randomxx]

V sorry to hear of the situation op , l don't comment much but felt you needed support on this.

Your not going mad or being delusional, take strength in that. To be supposedly married yet expected to except her sideline is madness, and she knows it bet on that. No one else would and she wouldn't if the table were on the other foot either, never known a woman could or would deal with or put up with her h doing that.

V sorry and l could imagine how hard it will be but to me, there is no choice but divorce her yesterday- she's only thinking of herself and in the most destructive way to you possible. lt doesn't matter what she went through as a child as far as this goes that's no excuse or any better than that, expecting to live like this as a married woman.

l'd bet most of what your going through yourself just about all leads back to this one thing one way or other atm.

Take care and get rid of her too.

rx