Marriage help- husband found journal

[cn9802]

Hi,

I have been married 12 years- 5 kids. My husband always accuses me of cheating (I have NEVER cheated!!). Last night one of our kids woke up, I put them back to bed and went to the toilet. As I was walking back in the room he comes out and says ‘what the f are you doing?’  He said I had been sitting on my phone. I told him no I went to the toilet. He asked why isn’t the toilet filling? I told him it did already and I washed my hands. He got up to check and said no you’re lying (I’m not lying!). I got angry and he asked why are you getting angry and defensive if you’ve got nothing to hide? I said I’m angry because it’s 3am and you’re accusing me of lying about going to the toilet and being on my phone. After that he grabbed my phone and continued to go through it for 2 hours. I  heard at one point he took screenshots and sent it to my himself but he deleted it so I couldn’t go back and see it. He got up and went to work without a word. I checked the iPad and saw he sent himself screenshots of my notes section from my phone. These notes were written a year prior and were from after a fight we had. There were some aweful things written in there- how I didn’t feel good enough, I wanted to kill myself, I felt used. I called him a narcissist and an asshole and some not very nice things. 

He doesn’t know i know he has seen these bit now I’m unsure what to do. Please help! How do I fix it?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome 

Sorry to see you're in this situation. 

Often it takes other people's views to see clearly what is wrong iside a relationship.  I see it clearly.

Your husband is possessive and controlling to a point that leads to suspicion which also leads to actions that he uses to prove his own allegations. This is, as a result, is very damaging to your marriage that many spouses would find intolerable. 

The fact that you are still in the family home is a reflection of your endurance for your marriage but can also be a reflection of your willingness to allow him to carry on with his behaviour  eg after a separation and hopefully counselling some spouses realise they overstepped the line with their violations. I hope for the sake of upheaval of you and your kids lives that doesn't happen. 

To avoid this from happening again you'll need to make some changes. 

• Always put a date on your notes and why you made them
• In future you can make notes so when he reads them he learns eg "he falsely accuses me of affairs, hes wrong but I love him and this hurts our marriage " or "he won't attend counselling and its the only way well stay together" or similar. 
• Wake him up before you rise out of bed. "Im going to the kids room". Do that everytime and he'll soon get tired of being woken up, or wake him up so he can attend to the children's. If questioned "because you dont trust me"
• Avoid long arguments.  Give a short answer then if not believed that his choice. By extending your side you'll appear like you're begging him to believe you which leads him to think he's superior.

The balance of the scales of trust, control and equality is in your marriage, tipped to far for you to balance it midway. That's why professional guidance is the only way you can get a reasonable future. 

I hope that helps and remember if the marriage turns physically violent if not acted on immediately it will continue. Notify police. Unfortunately his behaviour is not illegal and ive had narcissistic behaviour from my first wife that led to divorce.

From what you've told me you deserve much better.

What do you think?

TonyWK