Trust issues in my marriage

[Lynkennard]

Hi everyone

ive been married for almost 10 years this year. And 3.5 years ago my third child was born and my husband had started talking to a girl from football (he plays football but that year he wanted to play mixed with men and women) without telling me as he knew I wouldn’t be comfortable with it. I found out and I also found out he was talking to a girl from the team She was calling him about her problems and he was trying to be there for her and telling me it was nothing. He changed so much and we fought for months about her it wasn’t until I spoke to his mum and his mum spoke to him (and his brother as he played football with his brother also and he would’ve seen their chemistry) that he stopped talking to her. I don’t know if they’ve ever met up outside of football but I was left betrayed and shocked as he saw how much it affected me but only stopped when I got his mum involved. My problem over3 years later is I can’t let it go. We have tried to get better our sex life is amazing we try to take out our kids Out often and overall we are happy. But every night I get negative thoughts and I question him about his phone and when he tells me where he’s going I question him about who he speaks to and why. Every week we get into arguemwnts and he tells me I need help and I have trust issues because I won’t let it go. He told me u didn’t catch me in bed with anyone we were just talking and I get that but my insecurities have taken over and I feel subconsciously I want him to leave so I don’t have to deal with it anymore even though I love him and I know he loves me but I canT seem to forget how he hurt me. He tells me I need help or counseling as he’s over it I know I’m pushing him away and I don’t mean to but when I get thoughts in my head I need to speak to him and need reassurance. How have u dealt with a partner that hurt you like this I believe with all my heart there wasn’t anything sexual but I just felt betrayed and how can u heal as a person.

[geoff]

Hello Lynkennard, thanks for posting your comment and to rebuild trust in a marriage or a relationship can certainly be achieved and it's having the ability to make sure that you are worthy of it.

By him saying 'that he is over it' may not mean that you can accept it and there could be a worry that something like this may happen again, that's the trust you are looking for.

The reassurance can be done with some counselling that will build up your strength.

Feeling betrayed is the same as losing trust but if the past is still being brought up in your discussions then it will become a sticking point.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Lynkennard]

Thank you Geoff for your time to reply

when he says he’s over it, he is telling me he’s over talking about it

he doesn’t show me any remorse anymore and he has come to the point where he just gets annoyed and even angry about it. I don’t want to push him away but when I feel and see him so attached to his phone I just feel worried and need to speak to him.
I just want to heal from it and be happy again in my mRriage with the trust issues because this is the only thing that is testing me. And the fact that he can’t be understanding is very hard.

[Lynkennard]

Has anyone gone through a problem like this but chose to work it out and fix things? How did u cope and how did you do it? I’m thinking about talking to a councillor or therapist maybe.

[calmseeker]

Hi Lynkennard,

So sorry to hear your struggling with this. I know the sickening feelings this sort of scenario brings up, its very hurtful, even if there was not sex involved, its still a really hurtful situation to be faced with. I had a similar situation about 6 years ago. My partner was obviously becoming 'close' to a workmate. Behaviours around his mobile phone started changing and alerted me to it, also he seemed distant after work shifts which was unusual behaviour, he had always been attentive and his normal sweet self when he came home. One night he fell asleep early so I set his alarm for him instead of waking him. There were a number of messages between this girl and him, not sexual but a deeper conversation than what you would expect from work mates. Wont bore you with the in between details of the saga but to answer your question about what did I do and how did I cope , the answer is that I asked myself a few questions. Did I think the relationship was worth this hurdle? Yes. Did I believe his story and answers to my questions? Yes. Would I be able to trust him again? Eventually. Did I think this would happen again? No I didn't. All of this didn't come instantly though, it was a process over a few months and I couldn't have come to a clear conclusion and moved on without my partner being open and honest with me. Sounds like your struggling with your situation because you may not be getting the reassurance from your partner that you need to move on. He needs to help you to do this, you deserve the reassurance. Even one open and honest conversation to help you cope with your feelings would be beneficial for you, he owes you that. A councillor is always a good step and might be able to guide you through your feelings, wouldn't hurt. My heart goes out to you on this. Chat away if you feel like it.

Sending you calm vibes

CS

[Betternow]

Hi Lynkennard

I too have experienced a similar situation. Unfortunately, my marriage didn’t survive the loss of trust but that doesn’t mean your marriage will end up like mine.. In my view, calmseeker’s advice is accurate and sensible.

The point I do wish to underline is that every married person would do well to understand just how hurtful and damaging an “emotional affair” with someone else is for the left out spouse. I don’t believe enough married people understand the depth of pain and the damage to the trust bridge it is to a marriage. In my view you are well within your rights to feel angry and frightened by your husband’s actions with his teammate.

I agree with calmseeker that professional counselling is the way to go, no matter what it costs. It is not necessarily you that needs counselling but your husband must be made to understand how important trust is in a relationship and how fragile trust is when a third party comes into a marriage.

[PhoebeWings]

Hi Lynnkennnard,

I feel for you, living with the mind-mangling mess that goes with low trust following a situation where you were badly hurt.

Sadly, I experienced painful breaches of marital trust - my husband getting into stuff which went way beyond ‘emotional’ relationship...way beyond talking.

We were married only some 10 years when the signs were there, although I just didn’t know how to interpret at the time...

The real issue was my husband’s change in relation to me.

He seemed easily angered, distant, sometimes cold and other times over the top in wanting to ‘please’ me if that makes sense. He’d yo-yo between extreme moods.

The reason why I’m writing this, is that I feel the worst damage done was this painful coldness, followed by the revealing of something that I hadn’t ever thought possible.

We’re now into our 36th year of marriage.

The absolute best thing that ever happened to us was my husband agreeing to professional counselling.

I think, having an external person draw attention to the damage done to me, as a woman, was the ultimate lightbulb for my hubby.

That and general relationship counselling.

Dear you, it’s going to make you ill if you don’t find a place where you can be at relative peace in your marriage.

Maybe you’ll never find that truly innocent and untarnished trust with your husband again...but if you both want to make your life together work, it is possible to build anew and move forward.

I still feel a little ‘ill’ sometimes, but I choose not to be a detective around my husbands doings, although he is very very proactive in making sure I know where he is, where he is going... etc. And always...’you wanna come along?’

It has saved me from having to ask with that ‘look’ that is so sickening for both of us. The slightly worried, but trying not to look ‘worried’ look.

I’m not sure if I’m writing the right words, but I do know that once my husband absolutely understood (from a counsellor) the trauma caused by that loss of trust - he took hold of the reins to make sure we both could feel safe.

Every marriage is different isn’t it - and you know, sometimes it’s extraordinary what marriages can survive.

Hope you can get some proper help.

A big hug,

Phoebe.

[Lynkennard]

Thank u calm seeker

It’s good to know you are in a better place thank you for sharing your journey with me 💖

[Lynkennard]

Thank u better now

I really agree with you about the counselling but my husband feels strongly that this is a problem eating me up from my own self from my own insecurities as we’ve spoken about this 1000000 times in the past three years I feel it’s wrong from me but and no one likes to be told for many years many times about a mistake I really do wish he would do the counseling with me.
im sorry for your marriage but I hope and pray you find some thing more fulfilling and gives you peace in your heart 💖

[Lynkennard]

Phoebe wings wow your message hit home

I couldn’t imagine what kind of pain and how much strength you have and to all men and women that have dealt and dealing with it. I truely believe once you get through it together it is better so I pray you both a lifetime of love and happiness.
your right it can never get back to what was and I want to fix things, I can’t stay like this because it will eat me slowly. I try to be positive but I wish he could show some empathy when I’m feeling down. But I do understand I pushed him away because I still keep bringing things up. Thank you for your kind message 💖