Trust issues in my marriage

[Lynkennard]

Hi everyone

ive been married for almost 10 years this year. And 3.5 years ago my third child was born and my husband had started talking to a girl from football (he plays football but that year he wanted to play mixed with men and women) without telling me as he knew I wouldn’t be comfortable with it. I found out and I also found out he was talking to a girl from the team She was calling him about her problems and he was trying to be there for her and telling me it was nothing. He changed so much and we fought for months about her it wasn’t until I spoke to his mum and his mum spoke to him (and his brother as he played football with his brother also and he would’ve seen their chemistry) that he stopped talking to her. I don’t know if they’ve ever met up outside of football but I was left betrayed and shocked as he saw how much it affected me but only stopped when I got his mum involved. My problem over3 years later is I can’t let it go. We have tried to get better our sex life is amazing we try to take out our kids Out often and overall we are happy. But every night I get negative thoughts and I question him about his phone and when he tells me where he’s going I question him about who he speaks to and why. Every week we get into arguemwnts and he tells me I need help and I have trust issues because I won’t let it go. He told me u didn’t catch me in bed with anyone we were just talking and I get that but my insecurities have taken over and I feel subconsciously I want him to leave so I don’t have to deal with it anymore even though I love him and I know he loves me but I canT seem to forget how he hurt me. He tells me I need help or counseling as he’s over it I know I’m pushing him away and I don’t mean to but when I get thoughts in my head I need to speak to him and need reassurance. How have u dealt with a partner that hurt you like this I believe with all my heart there wasn’t anything sexual but I just felt betrayed and how can u heal as a person.

[Natnicmac]

It is hard to move on! I have been married 16 years.... 6 yrs ago i found out my husband had a 1 night stand with a couple who were new friends. It was hidden from me for 2 years. I struggled for at least 12 months to not bring it up daily. I struggle even now to trust him fully. If u want the relationship to work, you need to both understand it takes time to rebuild trust, and he needs to prove he is worthy of your trust. It can be done, listen to your heart.

[geoff]

Hello Lynkennard, thanks for getting back to us.

Lots of great replies back to you but it seems to be a catch-22 situation, because if he doesn't want to talk about it any more, then perhaps your concern hasn't and will not be solved, which means he is still dictating the terms of your marriage.

As he is doing this then other parts of your marriage he will withhold from you, breaking the trust issue.

I had my doubts several times in my marriage and in any situation that I queried similar to what's been discussed, it aways became a 'sticking point' where I was told that nothing was going on, but this was something that always worried, not so much from my wife, but from the other person.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[PhoebeWings]

Hi Lynnkennard,

Than you for your sweet response, I’ve been thinking about you and the many others who are struggling with the pain of losing trust, dealing with infidelity and all that stuff of horrors.

Geoff said it’s a catch-22 situation sometimes - and this is so true.

There are many layers and various complexities to my marriage and the breach of trust, that set the scene for other issues, other problems.

If I could go back to my younger self, I’d get myself a good counsellor... it was years later after some further issues ( which I won’t go into) I finally put myself in front of a brilliant counsellor.

She helped me to unravel what the driving force was behind my feelings, the ongoing emotional pain which had its roots in many different things from childhood, traumatic events involving abandonment...

I realised I was someone who always thought ‘I’ll put this right, I’ll make this right’.

That can be an exhausting mode of operation 😉

Our 36 year old marriage has not been the stuff of romantic books or movies.... It’s been a big, big work in action. A work of compromise, forgiveness and in between some genuine sense of togetherness.

But there were hard seasons, believe me!

Right now, we’re both involved in a challenging project that draws on all our character strengths and weaknesses. And I’m glad we are together through thick and thin. We both are happy to be ‘here’. Long may it last 😉

But it’s not been an easy journey by any means.

Can I urge you to see a counsellor, and by yourself is good.

Start defining who you are, what you want....I wish I had worked on ‘me’ all those years ago.

If I had, maybe we wouldn’t be together now, or maybe we would but without the heartaches and troubles that sat with us through years past.

Perhaps your husband will be encouraged to come along later.

Just take care of you, find your feet, you don’t want your identity to be tied up with feeling betrayed.

Keep strong dear,

Hugs,

Phoebe.

[Guest_3256]

Hello my friend and good to hear that you are reaching out in regards to your concerns.

The worst part about trust is that your thoughts can be constantly racing, trying to find the why, feeling that you are living on the edge of constant suspicion. It can be an overwhelming feeling, energy consuming and physically declining.

However, there are some strategies that I myself have used and still do to help me cope. I felt in my relationship that I had become a detective and was always being suspicious after my partner told me that he had been texting another guy from a past casual hook-up. then after I had [lost] myself, I decided to seek my own support.

What I did was speak to a carers councillor. Why? Because your partner crossed the line and his actions are having repercussions on you. That's a given, however, your partner is denying this by shifting his actions onto you which is making your feel horrible, like it's your issue. Wrong.

Through careers counselling, I learnt how to control my emotions and how to pull back from my partner and look after and focus on myself. Through this form of learning and education, I empowered myself by having more me time, doing my own things, doing hobbies, socialising more, exercising more and learning how to be kinda to myself.

I guess my point it with this, my partner started becoming very curious, starting to see that I had changed and began to listen and miss me more. I learnt how to take control of our relationship and set boundaries (sometimes on a subconscious level) and telling my partner what I expect. There was never an ultimatum, however, there was expectations set to make sure they had an understanding. Now we are closer than ever but knowing that relationships are comprehensive.

I wish you all the best, keep your chin up and learn to focus more on you, it will pay off.

[Lynkennard]

Jsua

Thank you for replying to my post, I can relate to everything you said. This is 100% true I have made more time to find myself and it has helped my mental health. As I really want to get into a positive mindset even if he can’t or won’t be understanding I’ve learned to rely on myself. I’m starting to study now and made time to exercise and I’ve just felt more happy overall and it shows with how I am with my husband and kids and Now he wants more attention from me which is nice but it’s funny how they push you away and when they see you comfortable they want you near them almost as if he’s insecure.

i hope your well thank you again and all the best to your relationships