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Truama, finances, relationships, jobs...how to destry your life in one easy step

Dagget
Community Member

About 12 months ago I had a bit of a crisis. To provide context, my wife and I were together 12 years and had, what I thought was a great relationship, we had just recently moved into the second house we built and money was no issue, my job was secure and well paid and I was due for a years extended leave and all was under control...then I was accused of a criminal act. As a direct result my wife left me (only contact was by a text message), and I am now being sued for pretty much everything I have, i was and still am fear for my job as if the allegations come to light I will lose it, and remain overcome with guilt, remorse and shame along with everything it entails.

Approximately a week after the event, I decided that enough was enough and there was only one solution. I could not live with the shame of it as it was something I had was so against my own character. I could also not live with the thought that my wife now thought I was a such an awful person that the only response was to run away and never contact me again. I also could not think of any way that there could be a positive outcome.

As a result of those actions, I was hospitalised twice and received a range of crisis mental health treatments. It should be noted I sought treatment before implementing the final solution but I still could not see an outcome. Indeed the only thing that kept me going was the thought that I could not leave the animals as nobody would look after them. Since then I have been in constant contact with mental health professionals which have managed to keep me here and to assist in resumption of normal activities. Indeed I have even managed to very recently find a new partner.

Recently, a request to help police with their enquires has caused a bit of a relapse, I am now afraid of the previous scenario repeating itself with the added stress of job loss, financial loss and loss of my home. Indeed it would appear that the fears I had then are now all coming true. I have spoken to mental health professionals who, while praising my recent comping skills and progress just seem to saw the same empty things. To be honest I am afraid now I have stopped listening to them as my thoughts remain highly negative, I cannot shut off the feeling of being destroyed, and despite reassurances that it will be better eventually have this feeling that it would be best if it ended now while I am still a good person.

 

6 Replies 6

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Dagget. Warm welcome to you. Thankyou for a well written post.

While reading you post I was kind of comparing it to others here where crisis has peaked. Of course your crisis is right up there. With your whole life going well and then coming crashing down, the human mind can take so much and we all have different levels of tolerance.

In my circumstances in 1996 being compelled to leave my wife and two young daughters due to being abused by silence and laziness. Me 3 jobs to come home each time and have to do the housework and be the homemaker, a role my then wife chose to do. The straw came that broke the camels back and my life as I knew it was coming to an end. So I thought. So I planned my end. Thankfully, I thought of my girls and what a part time dad I could be to them, how important that was to them. I survived and one daughter is very close to me, the other has been coached very well indeed and we have no contact. One day hoping.

So although you have suffered an extreme loss of lifestyle and dignity there can be new beginnings. That's plural for a reason for if one restart isnt successful, another must begin. I suggest a change of scenery, a new environment etc. I've observed some people's crash. Especially on TV. Gamblers losing millions and living on the streets, high flyers that cannot cope with becoming a salary worker in a run down house or a movie star that never gets another role and ends up literally washing dishes so he can eat.

I think the survivor is the one that treat these ups and downs as part of life, accepts that some people get this others dont. These people also hold within their heart what is important in life. A chat over a coffee with an old friend, the love from their pet, the affection from a new partner that has embraced you worts and all. The sit on  a hilltop watching a sunset.

For me its listening youtube videos from Prem Rawat Maharaji especially "Sunset" and "the perfect instrument".

Try it. Now thats living. Something to rise up to and keep you going in life.

Tony WK

Thanks for the kind words, I guess the issue is I managed once in extreme circumstances, but am struggling to look on the positive side at the moment. I have managed to rebuild a bit but the potential next blow will take it away again. I find that is the most challenging part of all for which I am afraid I will not be able to cope with. Close friends/family do not now know the full nature of the events that surrounded the first problem, I was able to keep that all from them. This time I will not be able to do that, and that public shame will be too much I fear to endure.

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Dagget

It's difficult not knowing the real reason you have been targeted. This is an anonymous forum but you dont need to answer that.

The important thing IMO is what you know.

Public shame? Someones reputation can be taken away from them in one action. Many dads (mainly) have been demonised by the suggestions (or outright claims) of sexual molestation of a minor by their estranged partners when it didnt happen. Men can be destroyed by things like that. If it didnt happen. If it did I have no room in my mind for them at all.

Putting me in such a similar situation I suppose I'd walk the land, disappear and find a travellers nomadic life.

I'm at a loss now. Loss for words isnt me. Hope others chip in.

Tony WK

Wah
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Dagget

It s very difficult to not be stressed about things that are possibly beyond your control. You seem to be focusing on what may happen in the future. Is it possible to pull your thinking back to what you are/have been managing well? Reminding your self it is possible to be in very awful situations and come out the other side?

I find it helpful to try to separate what I can control and change from what I cant. I cannot change what others may do. It's a kind of planning I suppose. Preparing myself for what may happen and having a plan as to how I might deal with it. Identifying different scenarios/outcomes and thinking of a response. I find it helps me go from a head of chaos to thinking there will be ways I can cope. It helps reduce the endless looping in my head of the awful scenarios. Sometimes I will actually yell at myself(in my head) "Stop" "You cant change it so stop thinking about it".

Is there anything physical you can do that you find soothing? Sometimes I put my headphones on and walk to drown out the talk in my head. Sometimes I will undertake a task in slow silence-almost meditative to quiet the talk.

I feel for you. You have value.  You are important and not the sum of one thing you may have done. Keep connected.

Wah

Dagget
Community Member
I guess the issue it I can't make it stop, cant shut it out or make it go away even temporarily anymore. I had finally managed to put things back together in a way that was manageable in kind of a damage control way of doing it but now, I can see no positive outcome and possible good way out. I haven't hurt anyone, I am a good person, I know that, but nobody will believe me. I am sorry, maybe this isn't the correct forum for this.

white knight said:

I think the survivor is the one that treat these ups and downs as part of life, accepts that some people get this others dont. These people also hold within their heart what is important in life. A chat over a coffee with an old friend, the love from their pet, the affection from a new partner that has embraced you worts and all. The sit on  a hilltop watching a sunset.

Thanks all for the good words. It is interesting to reflect on the recent post and the past couple of weeks now to just observe the journey.

A week ago, it was as dark as it could get, completely overwhelming. The apparent steps to recovery from the initial crisis were all dismissed my me to my psyc as 'delusional and false hope' and that I could no longer see the point of trying to reach out even if necessary as I was no longer worthy. I told my new partner who I had only recently met (about a month), in a fit of unburdening and guilt about not being honest the full and complete story with the expected outcome of total rejection, yes I needed to validate my own fears too. So this pretty much was it, and the only people i felt guilty about disappointing was the Police and my solicitor, all of who expressed a genuine degree of concern about past actions - how screwed up was that, not family, not friends, not even my ex partner but the oppressors!. I am sure there is a few weeks of therapy in that alone.

Anyhow, long story short, my new partner is still around, my interpretation of apparent rejection was incorrect. Indeed, even the thought that unilateral rejection was the only response has been severely challenged as others have expressed empathy and understanding from outside of an institutional setting.

Now this creates some new extreme mental issues, being with my new partner means there is time spent 'away' from my own preoccupations and provides that 'moment' as described in the post above. It also challenges my fundamental fear about never being able to recover or regain affection. 

However it does mean I now care from someone and they care about me, this limits potential destructive action although I am weary of the impact of dependence.

How strange, just when things are at the worst something comes along that fundamentally upsets the whole basis of my negative thoughts.