FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Announcement Icon
You can win one of three $200 gift cards. Complete our survey by 5pm, 30 June 2024 AEST to enter the draw. Your response will be anonymous so you can't be identified.

Just not getting over a break up

Amali
Community Member

hi all,

I am just wondering how normal it is to still be grieving the loss of my relationship. It's been 10 months since the sudden break up.

I have completely cut him out of my life, I constantly wonder how he is going and worry about him. I am always looking for him everywhere I go, I'm so terrified of bumping into him I sometimes avoid going out. I freak out and feel sick to my stomach whenever I see a yellow car because I think it's him. 

I have obsessive thoughts about the break up, lately I have felt an enormous amount of guilt. His mother passed away 3 years ago from cancer and I replay that over and over in my head. I still feel so connected to him and his family even though they are no longer part of my life. I wonder when I'll ever stop feeling this way.

i broke up with him because he constantly lied to me and let me down, we were both devastated but I was crying all the time and realised he was causing me more pain then joy.

He was my first love and I just can't see myself with anyone else. The pain is not only emotionally but physically. I'm tired, achy, headaches, anxious, up set stomach all the time. I'm wanting some relief. I've had counseling in the past. I just want to over this and find a happier place to be. 

 

7 Replies 7

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

dear Amali, oh boy I know how you feel because my ex was my first love and we were married for 25 years, and yes it does leave a hole in your heart, and I still miss her even after 12 years after the divorce.

There is always a part of him that will remain in you but over time it will slowly decrease, and by saying this won't help how you feel now I'm sorry to say.

Can I say that you just can't live with someone that keeps lying to you, only because it could only become worse, and by doing this will just keep letting you down, and one day when you really need him, he won't be there.

I am sorry for the loss of his mother, which is similar to how my mother in law is, as she is in her last few months being 95 and I wish I could be there with her, but unfortunately I can't.

I used to get on so well with my ex's family, but that too doesn't happen now.

Would it be possible to start your counselling once again with a psychologist because having a good cry would relieve you of the pressure that are going through.

They will also teach you some coping points which can help as well.

I know how you feel and I'm so sorry for you. L Geoff. x

Lunar
Community Member

I'm sorry, that's really hard.

I'm going through the exact same thing. 

I begged and begged my ex not to lie but eventualIy I couldn't take it and I had to end the relationship. 

But nine months later I still miss him and I would go back to him if I could. 

I don't have any answers for you but I'm just posting to say I understand. 

bluesea
Community Member

I'm also going through similar situation though I am much older. I broke off my last relationship a year ago when I crashed, and have regretted it sinceand now iwant to move past it,but have all these thoughts going round in my head, as I feel I didn't explain myself well at the time, so I  recently sent him a nicely worded text

in a moment of weakness and made the situllation worse, when all I wanted was some acknowlegent and understanding. now I feel he despises me. he has moved on and like you I just want to get past this and have some peace ofmind. sometimes I`ll c a vehicle like his n it bring back memories. I recently went off one off my medictions and that sent me backwards so I`ve had to go back on them which is taking time. no one else was involved and. I`m not wanting another relationsip at this stage, I just want to be well again, but I still don`t understand why I crashed to start with even tho I have a history of depression.

bluesea
Community Member

I had hoped we could still be friends as we parted amicably,but he`s made it clear he doesn`t want anything more to do with me, even though he moved on very quickly after I left, so I`m having troubleunderstanding

 

 

 

 

 

I had hoped to stay friends since we split amicably, but he`s made it clear that he doesn`t want anything more to do with me, though he moved on very quickly, so I don`t understand the hostility?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I

PatT
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Amali,

I know how you feel. I've been through 2 massive breakups in my 24 years and they did so much damage and left a wound that felt like it would never heal. From what you've written, it sounds a bit like my first break up.

My ex was lying and deceitful and I couldn't trust her at all. It was so very hard but I mustered up the courage to break up with her but as soon as I did I wanted her back. I tried for a while, but she didn't really want anything to do with me. The we had a brief fling and it was the same story. When we had the fling (about a year post breakup) it ended because I realised she was exactly the same person.

What I had done was convince myself that I was lonely and I built up this idealised image of her in my head. I knew she was a blatant lier but in my head, everything would chance the moment we were back together. When we finally did get back together I was completely wrong - she hadn't changed a bit.

Try and remind yourself of the reasons you guys broke up. From what he's gone through it sounds like he's probably pretty damaged, but it's not your responsibility to be with him. You really need to take care of yourself now. First advice - have a chat with your GP, get a referral, and get this all off your chest. Talk to someone who can really help you get past this point.

Secondly, try not to live in fear of what may or may not happen. If you go out and bump into him sure it might suck for a little while but it isn't going to kill you. Get out, spend time with friends, start pretending that the whole thing never happened. One day, I promise, you will start to come to terms with everything.

All the best, 

Pat.

Amali
Community Member

Thank you so much Pat. Wow it does sound like we have been through VERY similar experiences.

I was just crying thinking about him and the lies and how much he hurt me, I hadn't been on the forum for a while and decided to log in. I read your reply and it couldn't have come at a better time. 

This has been a tough, I never thought someone could be capable of causing this much pain. 

It's so hard when the one person you are craving is the one who hurt you. 

I hope you managed to find peace after your break up. 

Thanks for the advice, thanks to the others who have commented too, it's nice to know I'm not alone. 

Hi Amali,

I know how bad it is going through a break up. My ex broke up with me two years ago, he was my first love and I'm still not over him. I've found that in time the pain doesn't go away, but it does lessen. Things might seem hopeless and at their worst point at the moment, but things will get better in the future. I found that keeping myself busy and surrounding myself with supportive friends and positive people really helped.

You did the right thing by breaking up with him. No one should lie to their partners. In time you'll find someone else, someone who is honest.

I wish you the best of luck,

Brooke xx