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BeyondBlue Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about
  • replies: 0

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a ... View more

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a negative way. As always, we want to hear your story and how it impacts you and encourage everyone to support each other with kindness. There are a few things to consider when posting in this section so we can all get the most out of it: Everyone’s situation is unique. We all do our best to share what is important in our story but we can never share it all. Let’s be mindful we can’t know all of everyone’s story. Anonymous but public. These posts are available to everyone and while the moderation team keeps the Forums anonymous, posts are still online for everyone to read. Have a think about what you want to share to get the best support for you. Please stay safe. This space is an amazing way to seek support from others who might understand what you are going through. We want to hear how you are going and what is happening for you. Please also consider 1800RESPECT if you don’t feel safe or 000 if you are in danger right now. You deserve to be safe. Thank you again for joining this conversation, your contributions are worthy and important to us here. Beyond Blue

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LonelyDad How bad can things get?
  • replies: 26

Hi guys, I'm new here so this is my first time doing this. I don't know what to do. I had a nervous breakdown 2 years ago and accused my wife of having an affair. I knew I had depression and extremely bad anxiety so I saw a dr and got counciling and ... View more

Hi guys, I'm new here so this is my first time doing this. I don't know what to do. I had a nervous breakdown 2 years ago and accused my wife of having an affair. I knew I had depression and extremely bad anxiety so I saw a dr and got counciling and meds etc... Over the course of the next 6 months I would accuse my wife of her affair after finding things that would point in that direction and she told me I was crazy and had something wrong with me, and made me go to a psychologist. Deep down I knew she was having an affair but I was too scared of losing my family to do anything about it. So 12 months after my initial breakdown I came off my anti depressants, and felt like things were on track. Then in September last year my wife admitted to me about her affair. Things got very tough again but I believed her apologies and thought we could get past it. It's been up and down since then but I thought we were making progress until a few months ago when she started acting different - angry at me all the time, showing no interest in me. I kept doing everything I could to make her happy and be a good husband but she gradually got worse. Now last Friday I had a few beers and finally asked her why she was acting like that to which she replied that she was miserable and wasn't sure what she wanted anymore. I've been told by another person that she's been talking about it for months. I work away from home so my anxiety levels are ridiculous and I have nobody to talk to. I miss my kids and I don't want to lose them or the life Ive built. She won't talk to me about it so I'm left here by myself with my thoughts about the probability of being without everything I love and live for. I think she has depression but she won't accept that and just says she's exhausted. I want to be there to help her but she doesn't want me. What do I do????

Hurting_inside_and_broken Lost a relationship, Terminated a pregnancy and moved back with my challenging mother
  • replies: 1

Dear forum land, Honestly im not really sure what im doing here as a 31yr old with a reasonable job. Part of me is willing to do almost anything to get out of the depression i feel, but then im struggling to get out of bed this morning and do anythin... View more

Dear forum land, Honestly im not really sure what im doing here as a 31yr old with a reasonable job. Part of me is willing to do almost anything to get out of the depression i feel, but then im struggling to get out of bed this morning and do anything. Last year was horrible for me, by dad was really unwell, by stepmother passed away, i was working full time and studying full time, i was always worried about money and getting by, i had no time for my relationship and my relationship was falling apart as a result. My partner broke up with me which devastated me emotionally, financially and socially. He blocked me on facebook, refuses to talk to me without going through a lawyer, says that if i call him or go see him he will put me up on harassment charges. He has also declined the idea of professional mediation. I was forced to move back in with my mum, who i have a very poor relationship with. My mother has no ability to support me financially or emotionally. The idea of just listening to me or huging me are absolutely foreign to her. I have friends, but i miss having a really close relationship, someone i can talk to daily and just enjoy the company of. However, i feel like now is the worst time in the world for me to seek a relationship as i just dont have it together. Currently i am in a bit of a bind financially with debt from the relationship (approx 14k) and costs related to living expenses when moving out. And now of course legal fees. I have had to drop my hours at work so that i can work on my depression and anxiety, which has also decreased my income. I dont have spare $$ to spend on myself at the moment. The most recent blow was when i found out i was pregnant. Like not just a bit, but on my dating ultrasound i could see a whole little human being happily growing inside of me. 16wks 4days. I was shocked at the same time going this is somewhat cool. However, out of fear, i terminated this pregancy and i have so many regrets. Regrets i gave up on the baby boy too easily, regrets i didnt tell the father until after i had made a choice and went through with the termination, fears that i will never have another healthy pregnancy again or that i will not be able to have kids any more. I just feel like im consistently failing. At life, at work (because i dont earn enough money), as a parent and as a friend as im pretty self focused at the moment. Im seeing a pyschologist every few weeks, but im just not getting my life together

iloveminpins13 Unable to copy with separation - my husband cheated with his best friend's partner & got her pregnant.. I am struggling
  • replies: 2

Hi Everyone, My husband and I got together in 2011. We lived together straight away. We bought a business together in 2013 (with my mother), bought our house in May 2014 (with my mother) and got married in July 2014. In October 2014, I caught him del... View more

Hi Everyone, My husband and I got together in 2011. We lived together straight away. We bought a business together in 2013 (with my mother), bought our house in May 2014 (with my mother) and got married in July 2014. In October 2014, I caught him deleting text messages from his best friend's girlfriend, T. I accused him of having an affair and he told me I was crazy. For the first part of the year he was unavailable. He had been renovating T's mother's house and wouldn't spend time with me. He said he was getting paid for doing this but I never saw the money. Obviously I was suspicious but he told me I was crazy. He didn't really try in the relationship and told me it was my fault our relationship was struggling because I depressed and that I didn't give him enough attention. We had also talked about having a baby and planned to get pregnant, then all of a sudden he didn't want to and refused. He asked for a divorce last year on 5 May 2015. We had been fighting a lot and I had been struggling with my depression and anxiety A few days later he said he had made a mistake and we got back together. Over the next month he did not really try to fix things. He was withdrawn. On 28 May 2014, he asked for a divorce again. On 1 June 2015, I found 9 naked photos of T (his best friend's girlfriend) on my computer, dated 17 February 2015. He said all he did was send and receive photos. She also said this. I told them both I didn't believe him and kicked him out. To this day, he has still maintained nothing ever happened. She said it started with her sending him one photo "by accident" and then escalated. She said it was my fault, and her partner's fault, because her and my husband weren't getting enough attention from their partners. We separated, but he still tried to get back with me. I ignored him. I found out from other people they were together. Only recently, I found out they had a baby in February 2016. She had been pregnant when we were still together. I am struggling to let go. I haven't been able to stop thinking about him and still miss him every day. I don't know why I still miss him when he hurt me so much. I cry whenever I think of him, and constantly get upset thinking she has stolen my life. We had only been married for 9 months when he had first asked for a divorce. I am still in denial and it is hard to accept he could do all of this to me. Finding out about the baby has only made everything worse. I really need help..

JZee Anxiety and depression with narcissist parents
  • replies: 6

Hi all,I have a history of anxiety and depression (now controlled well by medication), and have known for some time this runs in my family. But only recently I have shockingly realized that a lot of my family dysfunction is actually due to both my pa... View more

Hi all,I have a history of anxiety and depression (now controlled well by medication), and have known for some time this runs in my family. But only recently I have shockingly realized that a lot of my family dysfunction is actually due to both my parents being a narcissist. For a long time I ignored it and played along (as those with narcissist parents know full well that it is easier to keep the peace than oppose them and suffer the consequences). As it happens, I was the golden child and my brother the scapegoat, so I naturally believed he was just crazy and a difficult child and only now that we are adults, I have realized the scary truth. It all really started with me when I got engaged and my mother became scared/jealous that my affections were now with another. I have always felt that my closeness with her was forced, like it was my job as her daughter to allow her complete access to my thoughts and feelings and that I must love her because that's what good children do. Anyway, it started slowly with her planting seeds of doubt about us (me and fiancé) not being compatible, not sharing the same values and that this would be trouble. We moved out together and she jibed, "good luck with that one, you'll need it". When looking for wedding dresses, she again expressed doubt and that his behaviors raised red flags (she would never specify what), insinuating that he was easily angered and that leads to "something else". Well we got married and she put on a good show being a good host and donating lots of money to our wedding. But it didn't stop. She kept suggesting that something wasn't right, that i'd changed, that I didn't "shine" anymore, that he was over protective and possessive, more red flags etc. we had a child. She insisted on being at the birth, like it was her right. She wants to spend time with me alone all the time. We confronted her about her behavior and she denied everything, insinuated (never directly) that hubby was controlling and abusing me and that I was blind to it (now I know this is gas lighting), then became super nice and very fake to us. Now we get wind that she is planning an intervention with the whole family ganged up, at an occasion where I will be alone without hubby. I now know she is mentally ill but the family is clearly in her clutches and I am scared of breaking down because of peer pressure, and losing my whole family because they just don't see it. And I also need to protect my own child now. Help!!!!

LanaKane Why Do I Feel So Alone?
  • replies: 2

Any time I'm not actively doing something (at work, out with friends, running errands) and I'm just at home, I feel so alone. But I'm not alone at all, so why do I feel this way? I live with my (new) husband. I have a great relationship with my paren... View more

Any time I'm not actively doing something (at work, out with friends, running errands) and I'm just at home, I feel so alone. But I'm not alone at all, so why do I feel this way? I live with my (new) husband. I have a great relationship with my parents; they live in Canberra and I'm in Perth but we call/text/email/skype most days. I have a few close friends. And (for the cat people out there!) constanly have two kitties on my lap the moment I sit down! But for some reason when I'm home doing nothing (AKA watching TV) I feel like I'm wasting my life, that I'm alone, lonely, a loser. I wonder what other people are doing, how they have such full lives they "don't have time to watch TV". I feel completely left out knowing that people are out doing things together, even if those things wouldn't involve me anyway. I always feel the need to try to make contact with people, messaging or something just so I'm not sitting there all alone. Why can't I be happy alone? Just because I'm currently alone in a room, doesn't actually make me lonely. Why can't I just be happy? I have literally no reason to feel this way. I thought at first that I felt lonliness because we had heaps of friends and family either staying with us or nearby for the wedding. But that was in March and I still feel alone. Logically I realise this is evidence of my depression returning; feel down, calling it lonliness, beating myself up for no reason. I know what it is, I have access to help...but I haven't sought it...not sure why. I feel lost.

DandyLions Do I want to exit this relationship or is it the depression talking?
  • replies: 3

I've been with my partner for two years. It's been rocky to say the least. But he has also dazzled me and made me feel wonderful in ways I was pleasantly surprised existed. He's unique, and worships the ground I walk on, despite some of his questiona... View more

I've been with my partner for two years. It's been rocky to say the least. But he has also dazzled me and made me feel wonderful in ways I was pleasantly surprised existed. He's unique, and worships the ground I walk on, despite some of his questionable behaviour from time to time. I was diagnosed with major depression a month ago. I was not altogether surprised at the diagnosis, but shocked how bad I let myself get. I'm no stranger to the mental health game. My mother has been clinically depressed (along with all the ails that accompany long term depression) for over 15 years. I am not ashamed, I am where I am. But my relationship is not on that page with me. For the first yyear and four months of our relationship my partner and I did not have sex. I had no idea why. It was his choice, and he refused to tell me why, to trust him that he was sorting it out. We did other things, or he did to me, I wasn't allowed to touch him, felt very teenage to be honest. Eventually, the trust and intimacy issues snuck up on me and for months I wouldn't let him touch me. After a year together, I said I can wait for you but you need to tell me why this is happening or I'm gone. It ended up being something superficial about his penis that an operation would fix. We had sex a few times, even though he hasn't got that operation, months agoago. He also has a drinking problem. Drinks at home every night. He's incredibly insecure. When I was diagnosed, my gp told me to take all the space I needed and avoid emotional situations which would increase my stress levels. It was liberating. I've spent the past month just doing what I would like to, which consists heavily of being nowhere near my partner. I feel extremely certain that despite the amazing side to him which is definitely there, albeit hidden under his insecurities for about the past year, I'm too worn out to continue working on Myself and our extremely broken relationship at the same time. I'm far from blameless, ive been cold, distant, all of the text book stuff the posts for supporting partners warn to look out for. So, at Long last, I don't want to wait for a recovery to begin to make this decision. I have a long road ahead of me. How do I begin to assess whether I want to leave because I'm being textbook depressed, or because at this point leaving serves me better? If you made it this far thank you so much for reading brevity is not my strong point...

wanted_a_simple_life Lonely, Lost and feeling Lousy
  • replies: 24

What do you do when your children that were your world are taken??? You sacrifice to be there for them everyday and all of a sudden you only see them for 48 hours a fortnight. You cant just move into a relationship like other people can and if you do... View more

What do you do when your children that were your world are taken??? You sacrifice to be there for them everyday and all of a sudden you only see them for 48 hours a fortnight. You cant just move into a relationship like other people can and if you do you feel guilty like you have shut the door to the life you wanted so much. What do you do when they were everything and now you have so much time on your hands outside of work, you might do stuff, but it doesnt make you happy cause the kids are not part of it. Has anyone else gone through this??

Mermaid007 I think if ex when under stress
  • replies: 2

It's so frustrating! Whenever I need my full attention on something important that also happens to be stressful I start thinking about my ex. It's as though my brain thinks that he can make things better. Thinking about him just distracts me from wha... View more

It's so frustrating! Whenever I need my full attention on something important that also happens to be stressful I start thinking about my ex. It's as though my brain thinks that he can make things better. Thinking about him just distracts me from what I'm supposed to be doing and makes it even harder. I just want to drop everything and curl up un a ball when things get like this. It's not even his fault, we haven't even been talking and neither has anything happened to remind me of him. He'd usually be the one encouraging me to keep going, help me stay on track, he would motivate me. Going through some of the threads it makes it even worse that other people are experiencing things far more significant and here's me who starts thinking about her ex when she's stressed, seems rather petty but it is extremely DISTRACTING. How do people get exes out of their minds!

EmptyDumpty 7 years later and she said she feels nothing.
  • replies: 4

Hi All. Im new to BB. 38 years old and well on my way to splitting up with my wife. 37 days ago she she said we are done as she no longer feels anything for me. We've discussed it several times and she's convinced there is nothing between us anymore.... View more

Hi All. Im new to BB. 38 years old and well on my way to splitting up with my wife. 37 days ago she she said we are done as she no longer feels anything for me. We've discussed it several times and she's convinced there is nothing between us anymore. It's mostly my fault. I made promises that i delayed in delivering. And it's come to a point where she gave up. Last night she moved out of the room. She said it's better that way. I felt a massive emptiness last night. I've spent the last 30 days trying to make sense of it all. The first few days trying to rationalise why she wouldn't give us a second chance. Why I'm so determined to change the person i am. I feel I've finally come to terms that she's given up on me and moved on. I've spent the last 30 days working out. It seems to clear my mind. I've always been overweight. I lost 6 kilos so far. Will likely reach target weight in another 4 weeks. But in between I'm thinking....who am I doing this for? I try to convince myself that its for me. But is it? I don't know. I only know its a goal I need to accomplish. I'm more concerned what next? Everything feels numb. Last night as she was moving her stuff she cried. She cried because she feels I'm hurting. I said I am but I'll deal with it. Her emotions are messing hard with me. I know she cares for me but she doesn't love me anymore. It's messing with my head. I told her I thought she had moved on? Its gonna take me a bit longer to do so but I feel eventually I will. Its the 2nd night I'm sleeping alone. It's gonna get some getting used to. We still share 1 common bond. Our dog. It's the only thing left that connects us. I've acknowledged the fact that we're just very different people. My 2 best friends have been very supportive but unfortunately ones in Canada and the other is in the UK. I've pictured myself if I would fall off the wagon at some point and reach for my whiskies. Just at the back of my mind there's this other Me saying it's the last thing i wanna be doing. So i jump in the pool everyday. I do my routine. I do my job as best as i can manage which suprisingly is going fine. We have a rough plan moving forward. We're gonna sort out stuff. We both want the split to be amicable as possible. I just feel numb at the moment. The shock has passed for the most. Sigh.

H3lpl3ssinqld I don't know what to do.
  • replies: 3

Over a year ago I found out my partner of 13 years and father of my 2 beautiful children had an affair with a work colleague. During the discovery stage there was a lot of anger and pain, which I am still trying to deal with. After a week of me findi... View more

Over a year ago I found out my partner of 13 years and father of my 2 beautiful children had an affair with a work colleague. During the discovery stage there was a lot of anger and pain, which I am still trying to deal with. After a week of me finding out, he reconnected with her while I thought he was attending counselling sessions with me to fix the problems we have. After again, finding out about the reconnection, he lost his job unfairly and proceeded with an unfair dismissal case against the employer, while I was by his side and fought his case with him, he again reconnected with her. He then refused to attend counselling sessions, however after 6 months of counselling sessions by myself, I found the doctor to be contradicting a lot of his statements, and felt he wasn't the best person for myself either. I continued on my path alone, we never really discussed the issues because I either got more lies, or nothing. I guess we have just been getting along to make each day bearable. I did try to get him to help with other strategies like online videos, books about affairs and reconciliation, etc. Nothing that he wanted to be a part of. Now, 19 months later, I feel no better than the day I found out. On top of that I have lost my job, and I work in an industry that have gone through major government reforms, so I am competing against 1000 other redundant candidates for jobs I apply for, which there are not many of either (I am in the Private Training Organisation industry). My experience compared to others is very little only 1 year as a trainer. I am lucky to even get a reply for not successful for 1 job out of 80 that I apply for. We have been having a lot of problems lately I am at the point that there is no point repairing our relationship if I don't do things his way. So I am to talk about what I am going through - and when I do, he will point out the way I was before the affair started. He won't address the issues of the affair. This morning I received a phone call from our real estate - the owner wants an appraisal on the property, but the real estate is not sure what the owner is doing yet. The last thing I need now is to have to move house when I can barely afford the food on the table for my kids. I sit on my bed most days just crying and have no motivation to do anything. I don't know what to do. I cant afford to see a professional either, and where I live on the mental health care plan I need $150 for an appointment.

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