Depression or break up issues?

[Stag1987]

Hello

I just signed up for this website and was hoping to get some support from others who didn't know much about me. About 1 year ago, my girlfriend and I broke up and since then I have not been doing well. I have visited my doctor, seen a counselor, seen a psychologist, taken anti depressants, confided in my best friend and parents and nothing has changed. I still feel absolutely crap and have spent the last three days crying and don't know what to do anymore.

I have presumed that I am depressed, but don't know if I actually am or if I haven't dealt with this break up well. My ex and I went out for three and a half years, lived together for 2 and half years, had a dog together and constantly talked about the future, marriage and kids. I always thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. Before we broke up things were rocky I'll admit, I was doing FIFO and every time I came back I could feel her drifting away. I knew I wouldn't be doing FIFO for ever so I always presumed we'd get through 1 year of FIFO and everything would be great, however when I did get back we broke up one month later and the reason she gave me was that she thought we were too different and wouldn't work out in the long run.

That seemed at the time as to why she did it but 1 week after we broke up she was already seeing someone else. 3 weeks later they went on a holiday down south together and after two and a half months of dating she took him on a holiday with her entire family to Broome, which I was supposed to go on and I'm pretty sure the ticket he used had my name on it. It must be said though that they had been friends for about 10 years and she stayed at his house a few times when we were going out but I was never worried as I always thought he was gay, how wrong I was. 

After I learned of all these things, (my best mate dates her best friend so obviously I know everything) I was not doing well. I questioned everything about myself and every weakness I have. I learnt that I had social anxiety disorder and I do everything to avoid social interaction. I still ask myself today, what could I have done differently, what do I have to live for, why do I want to get up in the morning, how can I live with all these memories? Some days I want to give up. I still love my ex even after everything and even after I found out she is now engaged (11 months after we broke up).

I don't know if I'm depressed or just weak. I do know I can't spend the next year like the last.

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[Jacko777]

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums Stag1987.

I am sorry to hear how you are struggling with this, it is sad that your relationship worked out this way and I can see how you would be hurt and shocked from the way it ended.

I am glad you are talking about this, obviously you want to move on from this. It will take some action on your part. What sort of things did your doctor and counselor suggest? It's the little things you do each day that will make a difference.

Why DO you want to get up in the morning? Perhaps it is a good time to revisit your personal passions in life, remind yourself of the things you really care about and make fresh plans to reach new achievements. I try not to bring history into the present, particularly if I cannot change what has happened.

Have you tried meditation? It helps me to train my brain to focus on the positive and off the negative and that's what you need right now. Spend as much of your days as you can focused on the good stuff that you love and try not to lose energy to things you cannot change. Talk any time.

Jack 

[geoff]

dear Stag, hi and welcome to the BB forum, where in fact there have been many stories posted that have been related with people breaking up, that's of no consequence here, because it's your post we are addressing.

Breaking up from a relationship and someone who you love can quite easily create depression, and what worries me is that you 'fly in and fly out' to somewhere but leaves her to be by herself for weeks or months, and as I'm superstitious for reasons here that don't need to mention, but as I've said it means that I have been through it by a complicated marriage.

Why do you feel as though you're weak, love is everything we all want and when it's broken that then creates so much pain.

Money is a curse but we all need it, so you had a job that you wanted to do, but unfortunately it's not what your girlfriend wanted, so she has moved on, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't remember the times with you, as I still recall many memories from what my ex wife and I have done over all those years of marriage,  but I just 'file' them away, and know that even now there will be times where she is not happy. Geoff.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Stag

Great for you to come to Beyond Blue and also very good to see that you’ve had a couple of awesome responses from both Jacko and Geoff.   It’s a boy’s kind of segment here as I’ve joined the fray as well.

Sorry about this, but I’ve gotta ask (as I’m a huge dog lover), who took the dog?

I guess as you described that before you broke up, things were rocky, so that was possibly the first crack that developed in the relationship – and then with your job of FIFO (I’ve only learnt that term this year – you see, we do still learn when we get older), that would have put more strain on things, especially if she was getting not so happy in the situation.   I guess whatever reason she gave, at least, she gave a reason, but still a breakup is always so difficult and hard.   Now it’s very evident that she has moved on, which I’ve been in the same situation as well – fortunately for me though, I wasn’t overly aware of what she was up too – I had the opportunity early to hear stuff, but I soon stopped that.   Hearing stuff like that just screwed with me and I knew it was over, so I had to move on, and hearing further reports of how she’s going etc, is NOT good for the healing process.

It’s great that you’ve had professional help since that time, and am not sure if you’re still having appointments or whether you’re still on your meds – I hope so, because now it’s what to do to try and reduce the effects of these crap feelings.

I’m not sure if you’re still doing the FIFO thing, but either way, what opportunities do you have where you are for socialising and ‘getting out and about’?   Do you belong to any clubs?    Do you play or enjoy any sports or sports activities?    Gym, cycling, running – any of these things – because any of these things (a) gets YOU out and about (b) they have the very real chance of getting you to be fitter and (c) you just never know who you might meet when doing any of these things?

If possible, can you think back to just over 3 ½ years ago and what you were doing then, for you to meet up with your ‘ex’?   what I’m aiming towards here, is at that stage, you were single and you met up – and you’ve now been single for a year and are obviously still pining, which is ok and I’m not saying it isn’t.  But just wishing to try to provide options for you to think about where you might be able to ‘be out there again’.

Neil

[ChadH]

My ex of 7 years has never admitted to having depression but all the signs are there. She had taken medication for anxiety when she was a young teenager. She has been pushing people away her entire life and it finally caught up with me. I never thought about it until we had a conversation one day where she said she thinks there is something seriously wrong with her. She admitted that I'm the most amazing guy in the world and she even pushed me away for no reason. This was after she left me the first time. I have tried to text her over and over again but no contact now for the last month. Everything I said has been positive. I tell her I will always have her back and she doesn't have to fight this alone. A few months after the first time she left me, I had a girlfriend and she reached out to get me back. This was all before it hit me that she might have depression. We saw each other four times and everything felt so perfect again. I live an hour and a half away though. We were texting all day every day again and life was perfect for us... Then the very next day I just didn't get a response and she said she needed space again but didn't give me any explanation at all. I don't know what to do. I still love her and I can't give up on her.