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BeyondBlue Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about
  • replies: 0

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a ... View more

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a negative way. As always, we want to hear your story and how it impacts you and encourage everyone to support each other with kindness. There are a few things to consider when posting in this section so we can all get the most out of it: Everyone’s situation is unique. We all do our best to share what is important in our story but we can never share it all. Let’s be mindful we can’t know all of everyone’s story. Anonymous but public. These posts are available to everyone and while the moderation team will keep it anonymous, its still up for everyone to read. Have a think about what you want to share to get the best support for you. Please stay safe. This space is an amazing way to seek support from others who might understand what you are going through. We want to hear how you are going and what is happening for you. Please also consider 1800RESPECT if you don’t feel safe or 000 if you are in danger right now. You deserve to be safe. Thank you again for joining this conversation, your contributions are worthy and important to us here. Beyond Blue

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CtrlAltDelete Feeling guilt over wanting to leave
  • replies: 4

Hi All, I previously posted about having issues with my partner of 10 years (see "Not sure if I can support him anymore"). Over the past few months, I have been seriously thinking of leaving him, but whenever I think about it, I just feel so guilty a... View more

Hi All, I previously posted about having issues with my partner of 10 years (see "Not sure if I can support him anymore"). Over the past few months, I have been seriously thinking of leaving him, but whenever I think about it, I just feel so guilty and it's driving me crazy. The thing that almost tipped me over the edge was the fact that I was really upset a couple of nights ago and I was crying. My partner came into the bedroom and asked if I've been crying. I told him yes and it was because whenever things seem to look up, it all comes crashing down again and I was sick of it. All he said was to get over it and just walked out and went on with whatever he was doing. The thing that gets me is that he constantly tells me that I'm not supportive enough and I've turned into a selfish b***h. He says I've changed and that I used to be such a nice girl. I think he's actually just missing the girl that would just agree with him and do what ever he wanted me to. It feels like he doesn't care at all about my feelings or opinions or even that I'm the one that's earning $$ to support both of us while he's at home. He's constantly telling me how lazy I am and that he does everything around the house. It's like he has selective memory because it's me doing all the running around paying bills, getting groceries, and on my days off, doing ALL of the housework so he can have a break. The main reason I feel guilty is because I know how hard he will have it financially and he has no other support apart from me. I also worry about how he'll cope emotionally. I'm scared of how things will be for both of us if I leave, but more scared of what will happen if I stay. I just feel so trapped. I've tried talking to him, but he just keeps telling me, to think about him and not be so selfish.

Dabra 22 year old son who won't get on with his life
  • replies: 2

My Partner and I are at a loss on how to deal with our son, he is living in Perth his his older brother, and we are in Tasmania. He moved over there about 18 months ago after a failed relationship, in which he was basically caring for a young child(n... View more

My Partner and I are at a loss on how to deal with our son, he is living in Perth his his older brother, and we are in Tasmania. He moved over there about 18 months ago after a failed relationship, in which he was basically caring for a young child(not his) while his partner worked. He said he wanted to study and move on with his life, so we paid for him to move to Perth, where he was adamant we would be able to study. He was staying with a friend for 6 months and then moved out to live with his elder brother. To cut a long story short, he still isn't working, he picks up occasional work fixing computer. We were initially supporting him until he turned 22 so he could apply for Newstart, he hasn't done that. He has been able to manage by himself pretty much since April, and only recently asked for money for rent, which he said he would pay back once his work picked up. he sends us messages saying he hates his life, he's s bad person, nothing he ever tries works, we've tried encouraging him, we are supportive, positive and do everything we can think of to motivate him, all to no avail. Everything we suggest he has an excuse for why it isn't right for him. He has blocked me on Facebook and mobile, he has been talking to his Dad on f/b but will not answer his phone. i just don't understand why he tells us how he is feeling and not expect us to want to help him. Before he moved to live with his girlfriend, he spent the last 18 months, pretty much doing nothing apart from gaming, hardly ever coming out of his room. He was for most of the time very negative, everything we suggested he would have a reason for why not. Counselling, GP's, courses everything we could think of. When he moved to be with his girlfriend we thought he would be more proactive with his life. She encouraged him to work. I don't know the full reason why he decided to leave, he said to us that she was using him as a babysitting service. Anyway, when he said he wanted to move to Perth, to get on with his life, we thought(again) great, he's going to do it. Apparently not, he's spending his time gaming, getting the occasional work repairing computers, but not actively engaging in society, he hardly ever goes out. I feel he is no doubt depressed, his brother has depression, and does struggle with it at times. i just don't know what to do, he won't take our advice.

GoodGuy1980 Down and Out
  • replies: 3

I had been seeing my partner for nearly 3 years. There were good times but there were bad times too. I did some stupid things and so did he. I went to see a Counsellor and worked out I have low self esteem and suffered from codependency issues. I ask... View more

I had been seeing my partner for nearly 3 years. There were good times but there were bad times too. I did some stupid things and so did he. I went to see a Counsellor and worked out I have low self esteem and suffered from codependency issues. I asked him to see a Counsellor with me but he never did. We broke up but he came back saying he would change and do anything to get us back on track. The last couple of months have been really tough with his Mum suffering health issues and then having to move. I helped him so much during this time as I have always done. He even lived with me for nearly 4 weeks cause his unit was not an option. He has since moved into a new unit and his Mum's situation has improved. Now he says he is emotionally cooked and that I am full on, needy and smothering. He isn't willing to work on us and told me to go and get better for the next person. It feels he took what he could when he needed it from me and now that things have improved for him, he moves on. He tells me now he has been to a Counsellor who told him it is a long road for someone with codependency to improve - but he can't be that person to help me. It is so hurtful especially after I was there for him during some of his toughest times. He even admitted that he would say and and do things to push me out of my comfort zone to prove little things aren't worth worrying about and to make me a stronger person. I know I have to change some things in my life but this wasn't all me. Since this all exploded, I have felt so lonely and guilty about what has happened. I know things will get better but it is just so hard, especially after I drove past him today. I know I am a good person and probably deserve better. But I worry and get so anxious about where to from here. It has affected my sleep, my work and some of my friendships. Everyday is so hard. I just hope it will get better.

BlueJasmine My traditional Asian Mother has no friends & this worries me..
  • replies: 4

Hi all, First time posting on BeyondBlue - this is the only place I feel I may voice my concerns. I am 25 yrs old, and my mother is nearing 50. We are of Cambodian-Chinese & Vietnamese background. She is a very traditional Asian mother. I am the only... View more

Hi all, First time posting on BeyondBlue - this is the only place I feel I may voice my concerns. I am 25 yrs old, and my mother is nearing 50. We are of Cambodian-Chinese & Vietnamese background. She is a very traditional Asian mother. I am the only child, and what's more - I am a girl. My parents have kept a tight leash on me up until adulthood, and we had a turbulent relationship because of it. She's had me to fuss over for almost half her life. I left home nearly 2 years ago, and although she took it badly, she learnt to accept it. My mother & my father have had some relationship issues in the past - which my mother never seemed to forget nor forgive. As if her mistrust in people was not at a high already, this episode in her life has lead her to become even more mistrusting of EVERYONE. She has no friends. My father & I have talked about it - she needs friends. She has none because all she can do is: find, pick & talk about everybody's flaws/negatives always wants to be 'above' or 'better' than all the other mums/women she meets thinks that all the other mums/women are talking about her behind her back or have some 'evil scheme' or agenda when they do try to make friends with her thinks the whole world is full of evils, and bad things will happen if you do ANYTHING and/or EVERYTHING stays inside the toxic circle of her sisters (my aunts whom have similar traits to my mother) She does not get along with my father's side of the family, because she think his sisters are always plotting against her, or "stepping on her". I don't know what to do, how to help or if I even should help. I've been told that I should live my life, and if it is her decision not to make friends then it is what it is. But I worry... My father worries... My father tells me that most days, all she does is play with the dog... My heart sank into the deepest depths of my stomach & I cringed because I've seen it too. My father has his own friends, but it's hard to take her along to outings because she just wont make friends (and dislikes other women for irrational reasons). It makes me really sad. I just want my mother to be happy. Although she says she is, I know she's not. I think she's terribly lonely & needs some girlfriends. Any advice would be kind, thank you.

Ladybird-33 I moved out to live abroad and my Mum can't cope with the situation
  • replies: 2

Hi there, I am seeking some advice on my situation. My Mum has had increased anxiety issues since I was born (I am an only child), and has had depression since my parents separated. We lived in France but my father was from Australia. After my studie... View more

Hi there, I am seeking some advice on my situation. My Mum has had increased anxiety issues since I was born (I am an only child), and has had depression since my parents separated. We lived in France but my father was from Australia. After my studies I decided to move to Australia for a year. This triggered a great crisis in my Mum's life, who despite having a partner at the time, could not handle having her daughter so far away. She had episodes of depression, and started drinking. I returned to France after a year, but was then offered a permanent job in Australia and decided to go back. As soon as she heard the news, the drinking became worse, she threatened to commit suicide, and made me feel very guilty. She was working at the time; as soon as the weekend came, she would start harassing me over the phone, saying horrible things to me hoping I would change my decision. She started victimising herself, and would only consider her view of the situation. My family and friends told me I could not live for my mother and that I had to stick with my decision. So I left again for Australia. I soon met a partner there. After a couple of years of depression and alcoholism, with me worrying everyday of what my Mum would be capable of doing to herself, she hit the bottom and considered seeking help. After a few months of therapy and medication, she got over the alcoholism problem. Our relationship went back to normal, we talked and messaged more often, she was happy and went back to catching up with friends/family and doing activities. Soon after though, her partner passed away. I went back to France for funerals but had to come back to Australia for my work. A few months later, she had a major depression again, not coping with loneliness, and stopped taking her anti-depressants properly. She was placed in an psychiatric institution, and after a few weeks of therapy and new medication finally came out of it. This recovery episode didn't last for long. She then retired and recently had to place her Mum in a retirement home. Now, she is feeling more lonely than ever and cries every time we Skype, saying she isn't happy by herself, and that she cannot live without me. I'm not a depressive person myself. Throughout the years, I listened, helped her seeking help, consulted her friends and family to help with various things. But since we have been through this for so many years now and I see no improvement, I just don't know what to do anymore. Any thoughts?

Table_for_1 husband leaves 35 yr marriage with no warning
  • replies: 9

I would like to share my story to try and help other women in a similar situation. On 14th April my husband of 35 years told me he didn't love me anymore and wanted to be friends., We had a $6000 holiday booked and paid for on 19th may and had 10 day... View more

I would like to share my story to try and help other women in a similar situation. On 14th April my husband of 35 years told me he didn't love me anymore and wanted to be friends., We had a $6000 holiday booked and paid for on 19th may and had 10 day old grandchildl. The night before we were having a drink and clinking glasses together celebrating our wonderful life together. . I still couldn't believe what he was saying. He was twisting everything around to put all blame on me, He's been doing this the whole 10 weeks. He told me that night when we would tell people, what I would say and how we would split the finances !!!! I still cannot believe that I just went along with him. I realise now after 10 weeks and lots of soul searching and many tears and no sleep that he was and always had been controlling my head. I went on the holiday on my own which was the hardest but best thing I could've done. Table for 2 - no thanks just a table for 1 - I think Im going ok then I just crumble again. His messages have been so nasty. For months before this he had been talking obsessively about "Jennifer" from work. He was obsessed. I never thought that they were involved but now I know differently. He wanted to split our mobile phone bills and of course we know why 75 calls to her in 55 days. calls to her while I was cooking his dinner !!!! When I questioned him he said she was his bestie and he tried to help her with his life! He told everyone at the beginning that it had been 3 years in the making and he should have left me 3 years ago and he wants a new life No wonder I have been so confused. I still wonder how this happened when we had so many plans for the future. The house goes on the market in 4 weeks. He is so cocky and sure of himself. He is 63 yrs old. There is so much more to this story but if this is happening to you, you will get through it as us women are very strong and we don't know our our strength until it is tested. 11 weeks ago I was a happily married woman (or so I thought) with a wonderful happy future. I still have a good future but a different one as my friends said. I've made many wrong decisions in this time but we must all remember that there is no manual for us to read to know how to react, our emotions etc. Im very proud of myself how far I have come in 10 weeks because I never thought I could smile again but Im also aware that I could still crash and that is OK

Fat_Panda Anger towards the in-laws
  • replies: 1

Hubby and I have had a falling out with the in-laws. He was extremely close with his family, which comprised of his mother, father and 6 kids. I got on really well with the in-laws and we were all quite close and spent quite a bit of time together, e... View more

Hubby and I have had a falling out with the in-laws. He was extremely close with his family, which comprised of his mother, father and 6 kids. I got on really well with the in-laws and we were all quite close and spent quite a bit of time together, even when hubby and I were having problems in our marriage. Last year hubby realised that he was going to have to pick me over his family or our marriage wasn't going to last. And this was when all the conflict started. His family is extremely enmeshed and we had a hard year due to all the conflict. His mother tried to manipulate him over and over, told him that he wasn't happy, that I was the cause of his unhappiness, that I was the problem. She lied about me and bad-mouthed me to hubby and the rest of the family (relatives included) and told everyone that I was the cause of their family breakdown. Hubby stood up for me all the way and she didn't like that. She got the rest of the kids involved and manipulated them too. As a result, hubby had his siblings criticising everything we did. She lied about how things happened and eventually hubby ignored everyone. The whole family was against us and I was also pregnant with my first child at the time. Our marriage took a huge toll and hubby suffers from anxiety because of his family, how we let them control and dictate everything we did. Hubby lost his job (they had a family business), we lost our house that we co-owned with my in-laws (they forced us to sell due to 'financial pressure'), and we've had to start again. So we went on with our life. We recently reconnected with my mother-in-law and father-in-law just so that they could meet our son for the first time. Since March this year, his mother, sister and brother have kept in contact with nice texts etc. His mother texts him every week and hubby texts back nicely as well. I want to be at peace with the in-laws. If I could choose, I hope to never see them or hear from them again. But hubby feels like he owes them something. It makes me angry that they make nice and make an effort with hubby thinking that that's enough to be in hubby's life and be in our baby's life. They pretend I don't exist (from the texts to hubby you can tell) and to me that's really disrespectful. I want my anger towards them to go. But it's not easy. I want to support hubby, but I have different feelings towards this.

Ali_T Has anyone else felt like my husband does?
  • replies: 6

Hi everyone, this post is for my husband. A bit of background, he suffers from depression, he can have a short fuse and be really mean when in a temper. He can also be loving, thoughtful and happy and fun to be around. He needs a lot of affection all... View more

Hi everyone, this post is for my husband. A bit of background, he suffers from depression, he can have a short fuse and be really mean when in a temper. He can also be loving, thoughtful and happy and fun to be around. He needs a lot of affection all the time, generally our marriage is good, we have been together 10 years and have an 18 month old daughter. Our problem that keeps happening is when he feels he isnt getting enough affection he becomes deeply resentful and angry very quickly. Though we cuddle and spend time together every night and our sex life is usually satisfactory for both of us, but when he doesnt get the oral sex he "needs" to feel loved he becomes resentful, sulky, angry, withdrawn and has thoughts of wanting to cheat to get his needs met. Most of the time he gets what he needs but he cant at the moment because im sick and its been 2 weeks, in that time he's had other ways to relieve himself (which includes sex) but it isnt good enough. He wont sleep, he literally stays up all night doing random things and keeping himself and me awake (normally he is a very good sleeper). In the past when this has happened i have just had to give in and do what he needs to get my own peace and sleep, no matter my own personal circumstances of not wanting/being able to do it. Even with him understanding my reasons of not being able to give him what he needs right when he wants it his behaviour is still like this. He says he doesnt understand his thoughts himself, but he says he feels unloved and angry towards me because im not giving him enough affection. He knows his behaviour is unfair and knows I shouldnt have to give oral sex right when he wants it but he cant get past his feelings of anger and resentment. It then creates my own anger because I feel like I have no choice but to do what he wants, when he wants and then its the last thing i feel like doing and especially at a time when Im not feeling my best. I have a chest infection so cant breath properly and cough all the time, its just not possible to give him what he needs, and nothing else is good enough, not even sex because that in itself is a source of stress for him because he then has pressure to satisfy me. My question is has anybody experienced feelings like this? does anyone have any suggestions how he could overcome/control them better, or even just to understand whats going on with him?

RickyC7 Communicating to my wife better
  • replies: 2

Hi, I'm currently listening to a marriage audio book called 'His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley'. It talks about the differences between men and women and how to bridge the gap between them to grow healthier ... View more

Hi, I'm currently listening to a marriage audio book called 'His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley'. It talks about the differences between men and women and how to bridge the gap between them to grow healthier stronger relationships. This has always been a personal aim for life and my children. We encourage open dialogue regarding feelings to encourage better communication skills. This however doesn't seem to reciprocate onto my wife and I. Basically I feel like this: I have a wife who I love and cherish, but when I try to speak my mind or how I feel these discussions always fall on deaf ears. If I sit around being a family man, helping with the kids, assisting in the house where I can then all things are fine. I give her compliments, buy her flowers, we have great sex when we have it and generally it looks like a great harmonious relationship. BUT, if I want to have a deep and connected discussion about my feelings then that's shunned, avoided, even fallen asleep on. I sound like a woman here after listening to this audio book because I am actually looking for a deeper relationship that is connected at a level that is built on understanding each other not just doing what she wants! That last statement sounds selfish but I have stood by and given her the things that she cried and screamed for, more children, she has 4 of them now and it actually seems like she has what she wants and now I am the accessory on the side line that must just been seen and not herd because that is almost a demodulating quality for her and she can't deal with a man not having his 'stuff' together. She seems to be only happy with a rosy relationship that ticks the boxes that she has in her head. There have been improvements and I am positive that she after about 4 years of almost begging for change that she actually is starting to listen, but there is no feedback. It's just silence and staring. I recently made plans to assist the family with having what she wants and put into motion the steps needed so that she and the kids would be looked after but then she started to connect ever so slightly so I stopped the plan. This audio book has highlighted my deepest fears that we are not connected on a deeper level but only superficial ornaments wearing the hat of husband and wife. I have asked repeatedly to go to concealing but she won't. She won't even contend the idea that perhaps she might actually be doing something wrong. Any help plz

someguy82 A sudden and unresolved break up
  • replies: 1

I am currently finding it very stressful getting over a relationship. Throughout the relationship she was always very back on forth in what she told me. She would say she wanted a realtinship and then go completely in the opposite direction (yet alwa... View more

I am currently finding it very stressful getting over a relationship. Throughout the relationship she was always very back on forth in what she told me. She would say she wanted a realtinship and then go completely in the opposite direction (yet always providing hope that she wanted it to work out). We actually broke it off three times in total, with her initiating starting it again each time. the last time she came down to seee me one night and explained that she often runs away from relationships and that she didn't want too do this with me. less than a week later she did exactly the same thing. One of the hardest parts is she did not see me to telll me this. She just left and I never saw her again. She texted but didn't even call. We kept in contact for a while (probably a bad idea) but never saw or spoke to each other. She now does not communicate at all. I last saw her a few months ago and I know it wouldn't have worked out but I'm finding it hard top let go and its really causing my anxiety and depression symptoms to become almost unbearable. I know it would not have worked out and tell myself this and that it was good to meet her anyway and try to make it positive. I keep active, date other people and all the other things that should help but recently its been harder and harder to do this and my anxiety and depression is becoming worse. I don't know whats going to make it better.