I don't know what to do and need help. I was with my ex partner for 10 years. I loved him and my life with him. We were very compatible, he was very emotionally supportive (which is important to me), and accepted me like no other, He was my soul mate. But he could also be overbearing/ controlling, verbally abuse, and, very rarely, physically abusive. After one such instance I left. After being out on my own for a few months, I met someone. He was handsome, funny, and softer with me than my ex and I fell in love with him. We started dating and it was good, although we were less compatible, he required more space than I was used to, and I couldn't talk to him with the same openness as my ex. He also was afraid of commitment, which I was aware of. Then he started acting weirdly, calling me less, saying hurtful things, and finally freaking out and breaking up with me. I was heartbroken, and during this time reconnected with my ex.
In anger, I decided that since I hadn't been treated very well by either man, I would see them both casually and continue to date. While I was doing this, my feelings for the second guy (commitment-phobe) intensified and so did his and I felt him falling in love with me, going out of his way to do things for me etc, but things were still very slow, I only saw him once a week,talked about the same. Whereas I spoke to my ex every day, we would go to art galleries, movies, on weekends. He said he was really trying to be better. But I was in love with the commitment phone. However, I also know that first flush of being in love fades and you are left with what's left, the communication etc. So I ended it with the 'phobe' about a month ago and chose my ex, who I love but am not in love with in the hopes that may change. Now the commitment phobe has come back and put it on the line, he's in love with me, can't sleep, needs to see me, etc and I feel weak. My concerns are:
- My ex is pulling a charm offensive and will revert back to his old ways.
- The now committed commitment phone, while he has some more obviously negative traits (poor/lack of communication, less compatible) is less manipulative than my ex and may also treat me better, be more willing to compromise etc.
- I may not be able to recapture my feelings for my ex and we should just be friends.
- I won't be able to deny this extremely strong urge to see the commitment phone and sabotage any chance of reconciliation that I have with my ex, who may honestly be trying to be better
