Together to long?

[CM91]

Hi I'm new to this but I am desperate.

My husband and I have been together 11 years and two years married. We got together when I was 15 and he was 21. We have a child and a baby on the way.

so from the very start my husband has mentally abused me but being a 15 year old I didn't know any better and thought that was how relationships are.

Fast forward 5 years in and being 19/20. I got friends that I opened up to and told me that this isn't right.

(he doesn't share money, the food he buys is his, I'm not aloud to watch chocolate because it makes me fat {if I do get chocolate he breaks a row off for me and puts the packet away} these were some of the 5 mark issues)

so I cheated and I didn't hide the fact I cheated deep down I wanted him to know. I tried to break up with him and he told me NO and that he loves me. So I continued on with the relationship.

I'm now 26 a stay at home mum with no friends because he doesn't like me having friends so he drives them away. I don't have any family that lives any closer then 5hrs, I have never paid a bill in my life as any money I get he takes and pays all the bills.

I don't get any money from centrelink and I don't work so my bank account is sitting on $10 and he doesn't give me any money. If I want makeup (I wear twice a year) or sanity products my mum buys them for me and posts them up.

I wanted to put my son in swimming lessons and he flat out said we have no money.

He is always buying tools and take away for himself.

he has never been romantic and has never written me a card. For mothers day this year I got him to buy a $15 Kmart blanket and thats all I got. My day went on as usual.

I don't know if it's the pregnancy but today Ive had enough, I can't leave because of the kids and also he will twist the story to family and say its because I cheated. He knew I did and decided to stay, but know one knows my story because to everyone else he acts like he's the perfect husband and father.

Not a loud to do normal every day life has me confined to the house and I have anxiety and a fear of leaving and even talking on the phone. I haven't told a Dr any of this as I am to scared.

I just don't know what else to do and I feel like giving up on life.

[Becsworld1974]

Wow, I am so sorry you are going through this and it is certainly not how normal relationships function. You deserve better.

I was 16 when I met my first partner, he was 22, verbally, emotionally and sexually abusive, called me fat, walked me to and from work, alienated me from family and any possibility of friends. Threatened self harm for years and then eventually when I tired of it he told me how he was going to kill me. It took him going to jail for me to feel safe to leave. I had a two year old at the time, so it was hard, but not as hard as the daily abuse from him.

I am sure someone will post some of the helpline details and please consider getting in touch with them and safely working through a plan. Don't let the lack of finances hold you back because when/if you do leave Centrelink can and will be help you, especially if you go through a family violence service. Even if he doesn't physically hit you, they can still help. It is still abuse and you deserve better.

From a now mid 40s woman I can say, who cares what people think of you. Who cares if he tells every single person that you cheated on him. He probably wont, most of the threats we hear are lies to control us. Even if he does and even people think that's the reason you broke up it doesn't matter. What matters is the safety of yourself and your children. That's what is important.

Bec

[quirkywords]

CM91

Welcome to the forum. This is a caring and supportive place.

I can feel your frustration through your words and it must be very difficult and confusing for you.

It is a very hard and demanding life where you have no control of money or food.

It is hard when you live with someone who everyone thinks is a wonderful husband and father but is totally different in private.

Would you feel ok to ring the Beyond Blue Support Line on 1300 22 4636. They offer Support Advice Action.? It sometimes is easy to talk to someone else that you dont know and be given a few options.

I think it would help to talk to your doctor , even if you wrote down a few points and handed it to the doctor or print out your post to show the doctor.

You are not alone. Other people have been in a controlling relationship and will understand how you feel.

Post here as much as you like.

Thanks again for sharing your story.

Quirky

[Croix]

Dear CM91~

Living in an abusive relationship is a terrible way to be. It is so bad you end up feeling like giving up on life. It may be hard to believe but there can be better things for you and your kids too. Please don't be like so many and be defeated and accept it all, there are ways out. Sadly living all your life in that world of control and cruelty makes it very hard to think there is better out there, and that you can actually reach it.

Trying to do so by yourself is not practical, you need financial help and care. I'd suggest giving 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) a call. If being on the phone talking worries or frightens you then you can quietly web-chat to them on

https://www.1800respect.org.au/help-and-support/

After all this time you will need a doctor and someone to help get rid of the anxiety and fear. Your husband has done his best to make you some sort of lesser person who he can dominate, those harmful effects need to be wiped away leaving you happier, more confident and capable.

I do see great hope, you are a stronger person than you might think Having that affair was stepping outside his control, even if it came to little in the end. Talking to your friends and finding out how bad he really was did you good - it gave you perspective.

Now reaching out to talk here, even if frightening, is a first step.

We will be here for you and as you have already seen are not a alone

Croix

[GemAndLogan]

Hi CM91,

You've had some really helpful responses on here so far but I just had to reply because I can relate to your post so much.

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through, my previous long term relationship was mentally, physically and verbally abusive but as I was young and "so in love" when the abuse started I believed him when he said it would never happen again. It went on for nearly 10 years and never got better but I was so broken, scared and isolated by that point, I felt like I was trapped in the relationship. I felt like I had nothing else or no one else.

That's exactly how an abusive person wants you to feel.

It is hard leaving, it really is but not as hard as spending the rest of your life feeling this way; being controlled and abused constantly causes so much stress and anxiety that it can start to toll on your body physically as well as mentally.

You need to get out of there, if he tells the world you cheated it doesn't matter. It'll be a small price to pay to be free of this person.

Take that first step towards leaving- Tell someone. A doctor, a friend, a family member, anyone. Telling people pushes us to leave because we realise that we aren't completing alone, there is support out there.

You can do this, do this for yourself and your kids.

You deserve to feel happy, loved, supported and you deserve to be free to make your own choices.

Leaving was the best thing I ever did, now my life is the complete opposite of what it was and I am able to be myself all the time and all it took was that first step. I told my GP.

Please update here, you can do this. You have got so much strength, he has just caused it to be hidden but its there.

lots of love

Gem

[CM91]

Thank you all so much, I know this sounds crazy but I wish that it was a physically abusive not mentally abusive relationship as people understand more and don't think you are lying. They wouldn't tolerate it.

There were actually a few ads on TV about mentally abusive relationships and I only ever caught them twice, but one of them was about the wife buying chocolate and the husband said something along the lines of how dare you buy a treat we can't afford that! I Burst into tears because that was my story as an Ad. I prayed and prayed it would play when my husband was around and eventually one this one did and I told him to watch the Ad. He sat silently watched and said nothing.

After that I had never seen those ads again.

my worse fear is that he would fight tooth and nail for our son. We got into an argument one time and he said I would never let you get my son.

He was away for work one time and our son broke his leg and I was on the phone in tears to him cause I was on my own and didn't know what to do (obviously after the hospital visit), I just needed someone to talk to and not once did he ask to talk to our son or to see if he was alright.

I guess I'm just venting now. It just feels so nice to tell someone my story who knows exactly what I mean and how I feel.

Thank you all so much for replying to me I truly appreciate it.

X

[GoodWitch]

Just popping in to add that I hope you do ring a helpline CM. Talk to Centrelink. Talk to a Doctor you trust. What about your mother, are you close with her? Perhaps she can help. If she has the means she may be able to put some money aside for you to use when you do leave, or maybe she has enough room for you to stay.

I know it is scary to think of being a single mother, but make no mistake this relationship you've described is abusive and as the kids grow they will see it and think it is normal. This will impact how they see their own adult relationships years later, so you are putting them first to think of your own safety and well being.

It's likely he picked you when you were so young because you were young and wouldn't immediately know the way he treated you was wrong. In which case he targeted you as someone he could control and he's followed through on doing that for over 10 years. Those aren't the actions of someone who just makes a few mistakes but is generally a decent guy. It doesn't sound like he cares about you at all, only about the position you hold in his life (which is a submissive one because he's forced you there)

Also please be aware that just because he's never hit you that doesn't mean the abuse will never turn physical. Make sure you have an airtight get out safe plan, in case his behaviour escalates. Anyone at the Beyond Blue or Lifeline helplines will be able to help you figure that out. Be very careful, but I strongly encourage you to start taking steps to get away from him.

Good luck CM

[Quercus]

Hi CM91,

I'm not feeling great lately so I can't reply as I want to today. But I want to tag your thread for when I feel able.

Could you please have a read of the Relationships Australia website...

www.relationships.org.au/what-we-do/services/family-violence-prevention

What he does is abusive. It doesn't matter if he doesn't physically harm you. The threat is constantly there anyway because he says he will take your children from you.

He has belittled and controlled you and made you feel isolated and powerless. When you feel powerless a threat to have your kids taken away is very real to you even though the reality is WE know YOU are the safe haven and responsible carer for your children.

A very dear friend of mine attempted suicide once because of a threat like this. I don't want to see you pushed into feeling you have no options. You have options. You have protection and support and a legal right to your children.

You are not safe.

This kind of abuser I detest. He is hiding behind the "but I've never hurt you because I don't hit you" crap. It is a LIE. He hurts you. He is abusive.

If you google the wheel/circle of power and control you can see an image which shows many forms of emotional abuse. I'm sure like I did you will see his actions listed for you to see. Listed as abusive.

This problem is not in your head. You're not imagining the abuse. You're not overreacting or making things up or being overemotional. You are in a toxic relationship and it is hurting you.

I hope you can reach out for the professional care and support you desperately need to escape.

My heart is with you. Please be safe.

❤ Nat