Tired, worn out, sick of being expected to do everything and not being respected.

[CMF]

Well not a good day for me. I am so down and out and sick of everything. My 2 older kids went interstate with their dad (my ex husband) last week for a few days as his new GF lives there. My eldest daughter cam home sick, coughing, sneezing etc. She has ben sick for a week and still not better. My little one is now also coughing and sneezy. My ex husband has gone back interstate of course as he is renting an apartment there and goes back and forth every week. It frustrates me that his life just goes on like one big holiday while I am stuck looking after sick kids. He is a selfish liar, doesn't think he should have to do anything. Does not think about anyone but himself and putting on a show to impress people. He works for himself, always used the excuse of work to get out of things but clearly its just another lie as he can work from interstate while he visits his GF without any problem. I am so tired, not much sleep as the girls are coughing at night. My little ones dad does all his things first and I feel worries about us last and i'm so sick of it. I feel they both just expect me to deal with everything, making excuses to get out of any responsibility. I don't ask much of anyone but when I do I always have to be let down. Selfish, selfish, selfish liars. Am I that worthless to everyone? I mean seriously do they really expect me to just do everything? I feel like telling them both to go to hell and packing up and moving. It is so cold today. I cant take much more of everyone being sick and the cold weather.

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Cmf,

Just dropping by to check in on you. I am sorry you are on a bit of a roller coaster of late.

If I were well, I wouldn't consider it a problem to look after a friend's child early like that for markets. Perhaps you could send emails or messages to friends just to ask if they would ever be in a position to help and then leave it to them to decide. It is easier for people to say no when it is not in person but you may find they say yes. It would make things so much easier than relying on her Dad. I never like asking for favours, especially when I think I may inconvenience someone but I do feel that you should put your health first.

Kindest thoughts to you xx

[Starwolf]

Hey CMF,

Reading through your thread today, I feel compelled to butt in for a chat. I found myself in a similar situation when my daughter ended up with acquired brain injury. Her father promptly tossed her in the too hard basket and cut all contact. I was left to the 24/7 care she needed. She went through 10 surgical operations in 2 years to start with. I lost the daughter I knew, she was replaced by a total stranger, one very hard to relate to, one who couldn't be left 2 minutes unsupervised.. So I understand your anger, exhaustion, frustration. I understand the overload (a major stressor), not having one minute of me time etc...

Having come through it doesn't give me the right to tell you how to deal with this. But I can share a few things that helped me survive it.

First of all, I fully agree with the suggestion of supervised visits, something worth looking into. It would give you a break and peace of mind. Something you can control.

Your ex is what he is because of personal, unresolved issues. Unresolved because he doesn't have the inner resources to acknowledge them, never mind fixing them. He just isn't ready/equipped to take that step. I suffered terrible abuse at the hands of various people. Understanding for example that my mother COULDN'T love me because she didn't have the inner resources that make loving possible helped a lot towards forgiveness. It allowed me to see her neurotic ways as mental/emotional disability instead of deliberate dictatorship. My daughter's father lacked what it takes to cope with the situation. The only thing he could do was quit. Your ex shows every symptom of emotional immaturity, and so insecurity, irresponsibility etc... Emotional growth can easily be interrupted, often during childhood. There can be many different reasons for this but when it happens, those affected hit a brick wall in the same way we do when we suffer anxiety/depression etc...it doesn't make sense to those around us, doesn't even make sense to ourselves but it can't be helped. No matter how illogical, unreasonable it is, the wall is not budging ! Resentment is a big stressor. Being able to ditch it lessens the overload. It allows to walk off instead of arguing (another big stressor), shrug it off with a sigh of resignation : "here it is again" instead of "here s/he goes again". No more time/energy wasted trying to move the Himalayas...

I will be back with more if you wish...I KNOW you're doing a terrific job, my heart goes out to you.

[CMF]

Hi Star,

Thank you for butting in, it is most welcome :-).What an amazing woman you are to have dealt with all that on your own. I'm assuming you still have no contact with him?

This struck a chord with me "Your ex is what he is because of personal, unresolved issues. ". How many times have I sat here and wondered what sort of upbringing he had do make him so guarded and sneaky, unable to show or express affection, so scared of commitment? I have asked him but of course he didn't listen and said no no nothing to do with upbringing and he is the authority after all .Everything to him is a conspiracy, everyone has an ulterior motive. He starts relationships with people who turn to him for advice, people in need which he loves because he feels superior and maybe important, but then he gets to a point where he decides if he wants to continue. I think this is some sort of self gratification, to be needed but as soon as you question something or challenge anything he gets his back up. He is a know it all, he tells everyone how things are and what is right and what is wrong. You can't argue with him as he gets offended but then he says that no one ever helps him, no one gives him advice that he has to work everything out for himself. How can you help someone who doesn't listen and tells you everything you say and do is wrong? He does have "emotional immaturity, and so insecurity, irresponsibility". He can cook and clean and look after himself but at 47 he still lives t home and argues with his parents. I have tried to find out what is "wrong" with him ie does he have bi polar, is he a narcissist but I have realised I am looking for excuses for his behaviour when really it is just his character.

I think the reason I cant shrug it off and just walk away without feeling resentment is that I know this encourages his feeling of superiority, he thinks he right once again. No one in his family will stand up to him although I have seen his sister argue a point with him and tell him that a difference of opinion does not make him right and her wrong. I also saw him blatantly tell her he was right and she was wrong so she just stopped arguing. Ding ding one point to him. I have no tolerance for him yet I need to rely on him after all his daughter is his responsibility and when needed he should help.He can't make decisions on his own someone has to do it for him, he cant handle if it is wrong because its then on his shoulders and he cant accept that.

[Starwolf]

Yes, I do occasionally see my ex. I know he still speaks negatively about me behind my back (over 20 years down the track !) but it doesn't matter. I have emotionally detached myself from his personal issues...and those who listen to his stories don't deserve my attention either. None of this is any of my business...so if we bump into each other, we'll be civil to each other. Because these days doing cold politeness comes easy to me, and because he knows I have long ago stopped taking the bait so why bother ?

This is what I meant by dumping some of the overload that is crushing your life and soul. It's all excess baggage. Your ex is not ready to change, the more people try to make him, the harder he will resist so why waste precious resources banging your head against HIS brick wall ? You'll only hurt and exhaust yourself. You deserve way better than that...but it's not going to come from him.

I know this doesn't come easy when shared custody of children is involved. I did this for some 5 years before my daughter's accident. But I knew I couldn't change the unchangeable (if it had been possible, we wouldn't have parted ways in the first place). Sure, I often worried about my daughter while she was away with him but... arguments leading nowhere but to more negativity erode peace of mind and exhaust energy, both of which the girl needed to live a stable life. Kids are perceptive, in spite of our best efforts to hide it, they can feel something is not right. Besides, when people separate, the aim is to put an end to the BS and move on. This can only be achieved if we detach our emotions from the past.

Every time I felt an emotional outburst brewing, I reminded myself that :

• It wasn't going to change the unchangeable.
• It was going to send the situation rocketting into a negative space for all concerned.

• It would only add to my existing overload of stress.

• Time and energy freed by my refusal to get drawn could be used to focus on what I could control...myself.
• Nothing throws an opponent off track like a coldly stated remark which is left at that. It will be argued on the spot but if there's no response, it has more chance of having a delayed impact.

Learning to look after ourselves can be hard work but it is well worth the effort.

[Starwolf]

Please remember that there is no better way to gain respect than showing strength of character, being able to control our emotions. Particularly if the other person involved loses the plot. Your ex may be left to think he has won the argument but only if there is an argument. A simple "I feel sorry for you" left at that will convey the idea that HE is the hopeless one, not worth bothering about...though this feeling is usually quickly masqueraded with more bravado !

[CMF]

Thanks Star,

I saw your post on the "do you love yourself" threa. You are welcome to "butt in" anytime. Your wisdom and experiences are invaluable and provide such clarity.

thank tip for sharing you story Nd how you handled it with me. I truly appreciate you caring,not just about me, about everyone you help here.

i will try your approach. As much as it aggravates me to let him think he is above everyone I can see that my inner peace is more important as is my sanity.

cmf x

[CMF]

Thanks Carol,

i'll sort something out. I am a bit flat atm which is not helping. ive realised that I have next weekend too so there is time to get the 3rd market in.

Thanks Carol for your ongoing support, much appreciated.

[Starwolf]

Thank you for your kind words, I have enjoyed chatting with you.

Shifting the focus on controlling our emotions rather than someone else's is not easy. But every small victory has the added bonus of boosting self-esteem and self-confidence. Like with everything else, calm persistence does it. After some time, it acquires momentum and becomes automatic. Quiet inner resolve is less easy to ignore than words spoken in anger...Besides, anger = self-harm.

The dogs are on my case re the daily bush bashing session. Time to switch off or there will be no peace.

I hope you have a restful night.

[Chookle]

Hi cmf,

I so feel your pain and resentment. My husband travels constantly for work and my caring for the kids and holding down my job is a given. I am terrified of colds and illness because all the balls drop and no one is there to pick them up but me - pissed off clients, kids who need love and cuddles, reputation at work crashing with flaky attendance, colleagues who think you don't put inter time - I hate it. If I dig deep and look at my most important values I know I want to nurture my sick kids but it is hard to see the wood for the trees and even harder to single handedly organise my life and the life of my kids. Big hugs - know that there are lots of other women out there who are just expected to hold the fort and struggling through

[CMF]

Thanks Chookle,

you are a champ handling all that.

well I messaged him this morning asking if he can look after the little one so I can attend the market. I need to book by 3.30pm today. No response as yet because as usual, he needs to make everyone wait till it suits him. I'll end up missing out on booking. You would think he would see it as a good opportunity to spend time with the little one but of course not. His ego is too big. Every is a waiting game with him, he can't just say yes or no. He thrives on it, its control for him, he holds all the cards.

very frustrating