Tired of Peacekeeping

[_Gigi_]

My family constantly argues. We live together, so it's inescapable. I'm the peacekeeper who gets along with everyone, but it's a lot to handle. I'm so worn out from the stress and the nightmares and the loneliness. What should I do?

[Croix]

Dear _Gigi_

Welcome back. You mentioned recently yo had been diagnosed wiht depression. Your families arguments and your feeling obliged to be the peacekeeper cannot help. Hopefully the treatment you may be having for the depression may help you cope.

There are a great many people who feel they have to be peacekeepers, and it may go along with being people pleases, where you agree with what they say - even if you  don't - and try =o do things hoping to make them happy and pleased with you.

Perhaps you have some of the most stressful desires yourself. I tend to have htem and it was only after a life-changing event I realised I was doing things the were not necessary, such as these.

If there is an argument between folks I tend to walk away, to another room or outside. If asked why you might simply say arguments upset you, as I have.  Nowadays I also try a lot less hard to please people. This was very difficult to start with and tended to make me feel guilty, however over time it has become easier. 

I hope you getting some treatment for your depression, I do, although it took quite a while, is now a lot better due to therapy and most importantly the right medications.

Croix

[_Gigi_]

Hi Croix,

Thank you for your reply. People pleasing is something I definitely struggle a lot with. I haven't begun the process of getting a formal diagnosis yet, but my therapist strongly suspects I have autism. I have trouble in most social situations and a terrible fear of messing up and making people hate me. It's also part of why I wish my family would get along- I just want one place that won't cause anxiety.

I think I will try to get better at walking away and staying out of it. My input doesn't seem to help much so I may as well focus on keeping myself calm. It's just hard when it feels like there's nowhere to escape to.

-Gigi

[Croix]

Dear _Gigi~

A formal diagnosis can sometimes help, it may bring forward matters that have not been considered before and get you any appropriate treatment or advice. 

Finding social situations difficult is something a lot of people struggle with, and if it comes down to pleasing someone or being at rest with yourself, remember your first task is to to ensure your own welfare.

You can walk away physically, or mentally with an app, or simply imagine yourself in  a tranquil place (which is what I do).

Croix

[_Gigi_]

Hi Croix,

Thank you for the advice. I used to enjoy watching tv shows and movies to take my mind off things, but haven't done that much recently. I think I will start again and see how that goes. My anxiety has been spiking lately so I hope that can bring it back down again.

-Gigi

[Croix]

Dear _Gigi_

I find that I have to be in the right mood to watch a tv show, a movie, or any of the other things I might enjoy, and when my mind is in a loop put htere by anxiety I do not have the patience.

This is why I use Smiling Mind, because I'm then calm enough to get into a movie etc.

I'm glad you are thinking of doing things to distract you.

Croix

[_Gigi_]

Hi Croix,

I've never heard of Smiling Mind before but I'll definitely look into it. I'd love to improve my concentration since I also have a hard time remaining focused when I'm anxious. Thank you for mentioning it! As far as wellbeing apps go, so far I've used Finch and Stress Ball.

-Gigi

[Croix]

Dear _Gigi_~

Smiling mind is free, though you have to register. It has been  used by the NSW Education Department. It has a large range of exercises that could loosely be called mindfulness and cater for all ages

It also, and this is the most important thing for me, it it caters to people with attention spans that are very short as well as those for whom it is longer. Actually one's span does improve with practice.

I had the attention span of a goldfish but found an exercise where a female voice reminded me that I was straying, (which is natural)  just often enough.  This very gently bought me back to the subject of the exercise

After my loop of anxiety is temporarily broken and I"m calm. Before the loop can start up again I do one of those things that has pleased or distracted me in the past.

Croix