Is this my life?

Trudy

I am so lost.

I have been married for 20 +years and I have never actually been seen. Like really seen.

If I am not the support, the cleaner the cook,the mum, the good wife, he does not see me.

I can't say how I feel or show how I feel, I am basically told I am a terrible person. I am expected to smile through hurtful comments, betrayal,empty promises, lies and so much more. If I voice my feelings it is twisted and I feel worse for saying how I feel.

I feel like I am alive but not actually living. I am literally a human robot.

I have so much built up hurt inside and 2 nights ago I tried to explain and I should have known better as I ended up being the one apologising for causing issues and I was left feeling unvalidated and unseen again.

I don't know if this will ever change or if some people are just meant to grieve a life, love and respect that they know they will never have.

I have never gossiped or said anything negative about my husband to anyone, he is the father of my children and I won't do this but I constantly find him dismissing me and mocking me with his family.

I have endured this for most of my life with him and it was easier to brush off when the children were babies because life was just so busy.

The older and more independent they get, the worse I feel. There are less distractions and I am faced with rejection, ridicule, and all these feelings I am expected to hide.

I am truly alone.

Recently I tried to explain how something he did made me feel, I was shouted and given the silent treatment and then there was a family emergency and I tried to discuss it with him and the week of silent treatment and I was told that I don't care, I am not thinking about the emergency situation, just thinking about discussing how I feel.

It had me questioning if I am an awful person.

To be honest I don't think I don't care, I just think I have so much hurt and resentment built up in me over the years, I am just numb. It is so hard constantly showing up for someone and respecting someone and validating their feelings, who never does the same for me. Are some people just meant to do life like this, just keep giving of yourself with nothing in return.

How do I keep doing this? How do I keep smiling through the hurt, betrayal, rejection, years of empty promises and lies?

I don't know what I am seeking by putting this all down in words.

white knight

Hi Trudy,

A few things stand out from my own lived experience-

Your low self esteem
Apparently lack of love and affection
Difficulty in separating due to the children's ages, unknown reaction by your husband and accommodation

Low self esteem is commonly the result of a close dominant figure like a parent or spouse. The victim is usually an obedient person always wanting to please and this character comes across as the weaker of the two. Essentially the dominant demands more and more because they have control- ownership if the victim.

"How do I keep doing this?" As we are not trained mental health professionals in feel its best for you to visit a caring GP to explain this. They can point you in the right direction for support on your next step and provide medical treatment if required.

Finally, this situation you find yourself is not your fault, you are not a bad person nor bad mother but when someone is told they are so many times your confidence plummets. This means you need help, the right type of help and I wish you all the best.

TonyWK

therising

Hi Trudy

I feel for you so deeply and feel elements of your pain, disappointment, sense of hopelessness and so much more. I think one of the hardest things to do is wake up to the nature of a challenging relationship and the nature of the person we share that relationship with. The more we wake up, the more pain we may seem to find.

While waking up or becoming more conscious can be painful, it can also be liberating in a number of ways too. I say this from my own experience, having been married to my husband for 23 years. You can come to find your true nature in the process of pain and revelation and you can come to find you're really quite amazing and impressive. To offer a few examples, you could say

I am typically the one to solve family issues out of the two of us = I am a natural open minded problem solver and raiser of consciousness
I am the most sensitive out of the two of us = I am one who has the ability to naturally sense/feel easily and deeply
I am the one who takes on many different roles inside and outside the household = I am naturally flexible and one who is able to serve in the greatest variety of ways

I suppose you could say it's about discovering who you are out of having no choice. You could say you've had no choice but to develop into being the fixer/problem solver when you've had to do this independently without your husband's help or input at times. You've had no choice but to develop sensitivity when your kids relied on you to sense their needs. You've had no choice but to develop your multi tasking abilities and your ability to serve. These are 3 aspects I can very well relate to. The most challenging of relationships can lead to the greatest forms of self development.

I found that doing a deep dive into being self serving is what has helped me personally develop beyond the challenges of my marriage. My kids are 19 and 22, so I have more free time these days. Being sensitive myself, I'm spending some time in developing my sensitivity to reach a whole new level. If we weren't sensitive, we'd have no hope of developing intuition. So, we could say 'I'm going to focus on my husband's lack of sensitivity and feel the disappointment that comes with that' or 'I'm going to focus on my ability to sense and develop it to the point where it excites me'. Whether well developed intuition helps create a path that naturally and gradually takes us out of a questionable relationship is a whole other story.

I offer a revelation my wise daughter led me to become conscious of: 'Where you set the bar will determine how people treat you. Set it low and they don't have to put much effort in. Set it high and watch who rises to meet that bar and who doesn't'. I should add that my bar was pretty close to the floor until I decided to raise myself in a number of ways. Could your calling be one of self focus at this intensely challenging time in your life? ❤️

TrueSeeker

Hello Trudy

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. It's definitely not you, you're the one that's trying your best to make things easier for everyone.

From my experience, sometimes we can end up around people that are too absorbed in their own emotional problems and negativity. They don't know how to deal with it a healthy way and in the end blame it on others to feel better. They can refuse to talk about it or get help as they're too scared that they'll fall apart so it can be very hard to do anything about it.

I think it's very important to take good care of yourself, be nice to yourself and find time and energy to review your situation and see what you can do about it.

I hope that things will get better for you, please let us know how you're going whenever you feel like it