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Thirty years of trust gone

Community Member

Hello , today is my thirty year anniversary with my wife. I haven’t wished her any thing and I don’t know if I can right now.

A bit over a year ago I received almost a hundred thousand dollars from a will. We had decided to finally buy a house with the money as a deposit. That fell through as my wife had fines , unpaid debts and multiple loans of which I knew nothing about of about 36 thousand , so we paid them out. Still no massive problem we both worked and we were saving . Then my wife got a new car $20k ok she needed a better car but we still had 40k in the bank. A few more bills and it was down to 30k , but these things happen.

Then a bout six months ago my wife got sick and for the most part couldn’t work , I felt better knowing we had money in the bank to cover bills etc that was until the end of September when I finally looked into the account. My wife had spent 24k plus her sick pay and holiday pay and there was 6k left . That soon went on bills that she hadn’t paid .

I am angry, frustrated and I cannot tell my family of what she has done , she just says she needed to escape and the money was her escape from her pain . I don’t know what to do , marriage is for life , just when I thought there was stability and a safety net , my partner threw it to the wind.

Now it looks like she will never be able to work again , I am already working 60 hours a week for not a lot of money , it’s not like I am a young man at 52 years , but I cannot keep it up till I retire so I am at a loss of what to do. At this stage I am unwilling to give up on thirty years of marriage, but she betrayed us to the deepest core and it hurts me every time I look at her when I know now that she needs me more than ever. She thinks we will somehow all pull through but has no idea how that will happen , I haven’t had a day that I don’t worry about going under and loosing everything.

It is affecting my moods and habits. I don’t talk to her the same way any more , sometimes I just grunt . She just says sorry but without any feeling , and still continues to plan holidays and cruises. I walk away when she starts to try and talk about them .

Am I wrong or is thirty years not worth the pain and heartache, richer or poorer sickness and in health , I don’t want to give up , she is not helping with the way she pretends it’s only a minor problem.

3 Replies 3

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

All of her decisions appear not to have included yourself in the processes. That astounds me really. The other thing that I don't get is

"...... she pretends it’s only a minor problem". No, it is a major issue and her minimalizing it will no doubt hurt you as her long term partner.

Any decision to separate is for you to decide, no one can tell you what is best to do. But a few things come to mind. If you seek divorce then that inheritance is included in the financial calculations eg you will benefit. If that means you get "her" car then so be it.

The other comment is your family. It is no ones business but yours where the inheritance went. If asked, say "I don't discuss that topic."

The difficulty here is loss of her respect for you, that has led to the unity not acting like a team and now you are left as the sole bread winner and that is not fair on you. I would be angry also.

In the least I would seek counseling. If she doesn't want to go then go yourself.

I'm sorry I haven't any. more positive advice.


Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor


I’m so sorry for your situation. I can understand and feel your hurt at having $100k, which could have been used to make your life and financial situation a lot better, squandered on such meaningless things as fines. I think the problem here is that you and your wife don’t seem to share the same attitudes to money, which may have been fine while you were both working and a steady stream of money was coming in, but is more obvious now that it’s not.

WhiteKnight is right, this is a major breach of trust, and your wife minimizing the situation will only make things worse and delay the healing process. Maybe if you set out how you feel in a letter, that may get through to her?

You’re right, 30 years is a long time to be married and throw something away. A quick question, has she always been like this with money or is this a recent thing?

When my wife has a purpose she will save and scrimp , but if she hasn’t got anything specific, I find she just beuys stuff . In the past she somehow got a 20k credit card , maxed it out and then proceeded to burn through it ,this was about ten or so years ago. She has taken out loans , pay advance , lay-bys . Even when she shops she will buy stuff that we don’t need.