Feeling of loss/bitterness/envy regarding the sexual intimacy
I am a graduate student, 24 yo. I have had just 2 sexual partners. I have had options in life, showing interest, and kissing, about 6-8 girls (such as confesses/proposals to start relationships, but usually girls changed their mind later).
I am very tall, better than average-average on looks, with some pluses and minuses, not ugly, but mb not a model. On a self-reported personality test, I am introverted (low energy, but medium assertiveness), highly neurotic, very highly disagreeable (0th percentile, very true) and high creativity/openness to experience. I am not an easy person, in short - not for myself, nor for others. Not a lot of friends.
In the past I have had some psychotic breakouts due to the drug abuse (now clean). I am a child of scandalous divorce, where mother was neurotic (not terribly, but mb some oedipal thing + she had harsh swings of mood), father was absent (emotionally and physically), always away from home working. Mother also died quite some years ago. Before death she cycled between blame me for it, but then to loving. Very nasty dying.
I want to understand how I could get the depression feeling under control, so that I could at least have less of these down periods, and ideally eliminate them.
Hi Sigismunt 👋,
You outline a few different things in your post so I will try to address them individually.
Firstly, congratulations on being free from drugs, that will no doubt have long term benefits on your mental health. You describe these periods of low mood, which are often triggered by the desire for sexual intimacy. However, it’s also set on a backdrop of these family issues that you described and also perhaps a personality predisposition (neuroses, disagreeable etc). Although I understand that the desire for sexual intimacy is strong and a trigger, I honestly feel as though you need to focus your time and energy at the moment into working on yourself. I think that there are some issues from your parents divorce, and your mothers death that haven’t been dealt with. And I think any relationship that you get into now will be destined to be an unhealthy one until you focus on you. I know that a lot of us (myself included) look to relationships to “heal” us but that rarely works out being the case, sadly. You feel somewhat vulnerable right now and I think you need to continue with regaining your strength. Apologies if I’m way off but it was just the feeling that I got from reading your post.
Hello and welcome to the forum. Thank you for telling us your story.
It takes a great deal of courage and determination to overcome any addiction. Moving from drugs is a huge effort. Many congratulations. Can you remember this when faced with other difficulties to remind yourself you have strength and determination.
You have had a difficult upbringing and this is reflected in your post. May I ask what you mean by "I gave an oath that I will not have any long-term relationships, as a result of one of such down periods (~2 years ago)". Does that mean you will never have a long term partner? It seems a strange thing to agree to. It may help to explain the circumstances and certainly has an effect on your sexual life. I can relate to your loneliness as I have lived on my own ever since my husband and I separated.
You have asked how to manage your depression and this is a great goal. I have struggled with depression on and off for a while. When it first 'hit me' it was the most devastating experience. Felt like being hit by a truck. My GP referred me to a psychiatrist and it has helped me to feel good about myself. Like you I saw others getting on in life, a life it seemed I could not enjoy. The reality of course is that many of these people also had mental health issues the most common being depression. The others had simply learned to hide their feelings etc.
It's not usually productive to hide a mental illness, especially when there is help available. I understand you are not hiding how you feel but neither are you taking steps to get well. We are not medical experts here so cannot tell you what is wrong. We can, and do, offer support and talk about how we have overcome many of our difficulties. This is a safe place to talk about your difficulties.
Have you completed any checklists on your mental health? I suggest you complete the K10 depression checklist on this forum. Go to The Facts at the top of the page and navigate to the checklist. Print it off and take it to your GP which will give him/her a start in helping you. It sounds like you need some professional help so maybe a referral to a psychiatrist will be helpful. I would love to hear that you have taken these first steps.