They just wont understand, why?

[white knight]

We hear those words often. The trouble is, there is a word in that sentence that doesn’t
fit, it shouldn’t be there. It’s the word “wont”

“Wont” means they have a choice to understand your emotional struggles. It should, in many
cases, be replaced with “don’t” or "cant"

For these people are the people we love and they love us. Would they, make the choice of not understanding? Understanding…what does that entail? Do we expect our partners, children, friends and parents to understand what its like to have our minds as if it’s in a cloud? Or throbbing like a migraine? Or whysome of us sleep for what seems endless hours?  What about when our carer partner has been so long without
love making and their frustration explodes and we chant “you just don’t understand”!!!

I put it to you, that it is us also that doesn’t understand what its like to be a partner of a mentally ill person. In respect to this an article I wrote a long time ago now can be googled- “Topic: who cares for the carer- beyondblue” In that thread I mentioned that if you can walk to the toilet, answer the phone and get yourself something to eat during the day while your partner is at work….you can also greet him/her as they walk in the door, have a cuppa and a chat asking how their day went before you slip back into bed if you must.

Some cant, understandably. But some wont! A choice (note the word “wont”) is made. In
these cases they are hurting the ones they love.

I’m lucky, my wife has depression, it comes and goes. We never say “you wont understand”. We both do understand. However my last partner and before her, my first wife, never understood my struggles. Those days I believed that they chose to not understand. I was wrong. They had little hope of understanding. Why?

Simply  because the other person doesn’t “feel” the effects of the illness. And there might also be the blaming effect to, to blame others through our own expectations of what we are pleading for.

Whatever sooths you and comforts you from your partner – tell them what that is. Think about your needs whether is a daily hug, a hand on the shoulder or an ear with the occasional comment or question. For your partner or loved one likely has no concept of what they can do to help. And that in itself can be agonising.

We should never get the feeling or not being loved mixed up with a lack of ability to help us. It’s not
that they wont understand-its more likely they cant understand so they don’t.

Tony WK

[Guest_1643]

hi J

I'm a bit anxious about not sleeping, but I've enjoyed a pretty good day today overall - so that's good 🙂

how are u....

We connected here about music! I like blues and I love poetic lyrics like Leonard Cohen, Nick Cave and the King of melancholy - Tom Waits.

What music have you been listening to?

The melancholic soundtrack on Betty Blue sounds really appealing to me---do u think it's a movie where u cry? I love those movies lol. Crying through a movie is very cathartic to me..

I didn't know Spotify gave 3 free months - that is ages!! Great deal. I'm happy you've got all that music now, that will be nice

[Guest_1643]

hi all

having been thinking about narcissists... those i've known who routinely do damage and harm carelessly and with no regard or empathy...

the common theme i saw when i remembered them was a certain kind of childishness - maybe immaturity - although they may have been a smart person, even an intellectual, when it came to getting what they want and how they talked about it - or how they discussed relationships, there was something so immature and silly

They often sounded very babyish almost in how they conceived things. I think it is a part of being emotionally stunted. If you are constantly taking from ppl - then running - without ever having any intimacy or responsibility for the reprecussions - you never really learn.... I don't know if anyone else can relate this to the narcissists they have met... just my own personal obversation but I'm still very new to this.

[Guest_1584]

Eh sleepy.

1st up you got yourself some not bad tastes in music there girl , but sorry, l've gotta switch kings to nick cave . Don't know if l've ever known a true narc l've never studied narc and l don't like all the labels thrown all over the net these days by anyone and everyone, Seems someone burps and their a narc these days according to most forums but no l don't mean bb people here are actually educated in mental illness . Although l have known a few AH's which seems to be more like what most of the aboves are really just dealing with..

So it's interesting to read what you've said b l'm thinking of my daughters now ex bf . Because he was all personality in public but something very very serious went on away from it , we're just not sure exactly what .

As you know l suspected my ex was bpd , but l'm not sure of the differences and l've never known for sure if she was she'd never see someone so l really hate even using the bpd tbh. But a psychiatrist friend did say that she def sounded it but without proper sit down with her that wasn't a diagnoses, But at anyrate , yeah interesting what you said about narcs because in ways that sounds a bit like d's bf and l think l might do some reading up . Although he always seemed like a very nice guy on the surface, l saw things that just didn't sit right and l'd like to delve a little.But just thank the Gods they broke up is all l can say.

rx

[Guest_1643]

Hi that's true - I love Nick Cave!!! Was listening to Leonard today - great!!

I was exactly exactly cant even describe it of same opinion of u

i felt that ppl are too quick to talk about narcissists and sociopaths whenever anyone was mean

i avoided ever learning about the whole thing coz it was too much

but when a therapist told me that she thought soeone i'd been involved with was narcissitic i did begin thinking about it - and i like learning about it a bit

Helps me reframe. Only good if it helps... otherwise i guess it's just waste of time like ppl say Megan Markle is a narcissist.... someone they know nearly nothing about and have never met!

[Guest909]

Hi Sleepy

An astute observation that is consistent with my experience.

Some time back, my ex threatened me with a DVO and called the police. Two police officers (M/F) arrived at the house, talked to my ex and I, and then left without incident.

That evening, I went down to the local police station to get a copy of the police report. I spoke to one of the female officers that attend the callout, and asked how I could get a copy of the police report. She told me that there was no report because there was no incident and nothing to report. The police woman then went on to say, that my ex was "clearly the aggressor" and that her allegations were "childish" - her words.

I didn't think much of this at the time, but your post brought it all back. This type of behavior certainly fits into the bag of narcissistic traits.

Cheers

[Guest_1643]

Hi Mr Paul I'm sorry if that triggered anything - really sorry.

Just something I've noticed as I'm watching these youtube videos with psychologists on the topic.
I try and notice features i've found common to these people which at the time felt a bit out of place. Eg someone even very intelligent and in one case a medical professional - became very vengeful, childish etc.

It seemed a little bit off at the time but I didn't understand it.

[Guest_1584]

Yeah , some of the pettiest minds l've ever come across have been in so called educated people, Educated isn't always one and the same as any real intelligence , nor well written or spoken. Things like that can often have one side of the picture but be extremely lacking from the other side.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Rx true,

basic life skills are sometimes absent and even basic empathy - i used to wrongly fall in to the trap of thinking educated meant wise

[Guest909]

Hi Sleepy

All is good, I don't have any problems with triggers; I'm very fortunate in that respect.

There are many forms of intelligence, most sources list eight types; there may be more:

1. Linguistic intelligence (“word smart”)
2. Logical-mathematical intelligence (“number/reasoning smart”)
3. Spatial intelligence (“picture smart”)
4. Bodily-Kinesthetic intelligence (“body smart”)
5. Musical intelligence (“music smart”)
6. Interpersonal intelligence (“people smart”)
7. Intrapersonal intelligence (“self smart”)
8. Naturalist intelligence (“nature smart”)

My ex, for example, was well below average on most measures of intelligence, but that does not mean she was stupid. I say that because her "interpersonal intelligence (6)" was off the scale. She could walk into to a room full of supreme court judges, and feel right at time. Similarly, she could walk into a room full of drunks, and also feel right at home.

A phycologist recently told me that high "interpersonal intelligence" this not uncommon with "chameleon personalities". Chameleon personalities are often a part of NPD and BPD.

randomx

You are correct, educated does not mean wise. They are two different animals.

[Guest_1584]

Hi Mr Paul , nah sleepy mentioned wise l wasn't referring to that area different thing again as is any form of real awareness l've found also very lacking so yeah they are others to the list though.

Known a few people like your ex , might even be considered a bit slower than some but those considering that are usually too lacking to see that between the lines she's actually smarter than most in many any real sense.

lt's a fascinating area in people observation though isn't it and right when you think you've seen it all, look out .

Ps , l also notice many so called intelligent people pick up on really silly totally irrelevant things but totally miss the real stuff.

rx