They just wont understand, why?

[white knight]

We hear those words often. The trouble is, there is a word in that sentence that doesn’t
fit, it shouldn’t be there. It’s the word “wont”

“Wont” means they have a choice to understand your emotional struggles. It should, in many
cases, be replaced with “don’t” or "cant"

For these people are the people we love and they love us. Would they, make the choice of not understanding? Understanding…what does that entail? Do we expect our partners, children, friends and parents to understand what its like to have our minds as if it’s in a cloud? Or throbbing like a migraine? Or whysome of us sleep for what seems endless hours?  What about when our carer partner has been so long without
love making and their frustration explodes and we chant “you just don’t understand”!!!

I put it to you, that it is us also that doesn’t understand what its like to be a partner of a mentally ill person. In respect to this an article I wrote a long time ago now can be googled- “Topic: who cares for the carer- beyondblue” In that thread I mentioned that if you can walk to the toilet, answer the phone and get yourself something to eat during the day while your partner is at work….you can also greet him/her as they walk in the door, have a cuppa and a chat asking how their day went before you slip back into bed if you must.

Some cant, understandably. But some wont! A choice (note the word “wont”) is made. In
these cases they are hurting the ones they love.

I’m lucky, my wife has depression, it comes and goes. We never say “you wont understand”. We both do understand. However my last partner and before her, my first wife, never understood my struggles. Those days I believed that they chose to not understand. I was wrong. They had little hope of understanding. Why?

Simply  because the other person doesn’t “feel” the effects of the illness. And there might also be the blaming effect to, to blame others through our own expectations of what we are pleading for.

Whatever sooths you and comforts you from your partner – tell them what that is. Think about your needs whether is a daily hug, a hand on the shoulder or an ear with the occasional comment or question. For your partner or loved one likely has no concept of what they can do to help. And that in itself can be agonising.

We should never get the feeling or not being loved mixed up with a lack of ability to help us. It’s not
that they wont understand-its more likely they cant understand so they don’t.

Tony WK

[Guest_1643]

hi rx you're right... so many ppl are so busy and i don't think we see the hidden stresses they have

mortages...kids...

i'm sorry you didn't get much family support when u went through ur divorce. That's not nice and sadly so common

Don't know why that is. Some ppl seem to have no room to hear another's struggle. I have listened to my friends through their divorces. Usually I was relieved when they finally seperated... it is okay to walk away when so unhappy.

I used to date a lot and tell my married friends about it but haven't done so for a few years. My married friends were interested and loved the dating stories. Reliving their single years lol.

But yes with MH I try so hard not to drain ppl because I know it can be like that... i want to be still a friend outside rom MH related and PTSD issues i have

[white knight]

Hi everyone,

Reading the last 3 posts reminded me why I wrote the threads "fortress of survival" (also part 2).

The fact is, being highly sensitive I realised about 20 years ago that street wisdom was missing in me. This regardless of working in jails and law enforcement work. Immaturity then played a part.

So, to counter those domineering, narcissistic types I had to develop my own fortress. No longer would I allow immediate entry of strangers into my life. I'd have a "peep hole" at the door, then if they're lucky I'd get them to the foyer, maybe the lounge but it would be a long time before they'd get to the tower den if ever. All the while the trap door was reading if they violated my fragile feelings.

Also in the thread "supermarket shelves" where you can't buy patience you cannot also buy a desensitized machine, we can't "toughen up" we can't "slow down" we are whom we are and to he'll with those that insist we change.

I won't change because I can't do strangers comply, make some considerations for my conditions and I'll hug you, be gentle and I'll praise you and... adjust yourself to be tender when I'm in dark places and I'll walk with you through any trauma that arrives at your door.

TonyWK

[ecomama]

Dear Tony WK

You craft your words so beautifully. Those brought tears to my eyes, esp saying you won't expect someone to change.

I'm really hurt about my BF getting angry with me after I got the most triggering of letters from ex m-i-l.

BF told me how to think, what to think, what to do, even to pretend I never got it.... Like he was trying to program me, like he does the instruments he works on as an engineer.

I'm a HUMAN BEING I kept telling him. Not a machine.

I was present with him ALL week, being extremely emotional and I just listened, told him I Loved him and listened some more... all week. No angry words. Just holding presence with him.

One thing today for me and he was all out SHUT THAT DOWN.

I think HE triggered childhood stuff even saying all the stuff he said.
When my mother hurt me she told me not to cry.

I was hurt and needed to cry today.

Now I allow myself to cry.

I'm human.

Others around me expect me NOT to be.

EMxxxx

[Guest_1584]

Hiya sleepy.

Yeah l've thought a lot about that period in that way especially from families lack of. Some are just like that l'd expect no more from them but some of the others have had soooo much to deal with over the yrs themselves too but there was def' some running for the hills going on too. Good old family.

But yeah we do have to be careful of not draining those that do during rough times too.

People have to earn it with me too Tony , l've always known too that l have the bigger heart, the awareness and feel of those l thought friends but sadly realized a long time ago that that was also my undoing. I've wondered the last few yrs has it become the Australian way to say no and walk away , or has it just become the necessity in self preservation , for me the latter l'm afraid. As my ex use to say, we must choose my battles wisely.

rx

[white knight]

Hi EM

My daughter use to teach. I said I love teachers...as long as they don't teach me. When she'd leave school each afternoon she'd t sake the classroom with her.

I used to say to an ex girlfriend "is prefer it if you never began a sentence with "don't" or "darling"

These are indeed triggers. Childhood or young abusive spouses he'll bent on control and intimidation. Well eventually for me it was implement change or perish.

Rd
Self preservation is a choice, if we don't make that our priority then we are placing others above our own needs font you think?

TonyWK

[Guest_1584]

Yeah that's true , it's a choice l had to make too but it's taken lots of practice since l must admit. l still hate sounding shallow or unnoticing when l do have to choose with someone now too , and that they think they've fallen onto deaf ears. Or that l have no clue what they might be saying , because l very much will , more than most or often that they could even imagine. But that's actually one of the other big reasons l must decide at the time.

rx

[Jstar49]

Em,

I totally get that you felt let down by your BF.

I am constantly reminding my H to SUPPORT me, not to just have his own reaction when I've got stuff going on. I mean, I know it affects him to, but it's primarily affecting me, and I see it as his job to at least touch base with me about how I am, before ranting about what he thinks. And trying to fix it! GRRR! He tells both me and D 'you should have said this' and more in the same vein. It absolutely shuts me down!

I'm getting better at pulling him up and saying hang on, this isn't about you, how about putting yourself in my shoes for a minute, and Listening to how I'm feeling about it all.

WIP ( work in progress) and us girls have got the head start on this one, or so my couples counsellors tell us.

Em, I noticed music refs on another thread- chilli peppers and nirvana also on my playlists lol! Some Christian songs- not too sappy tho. 🙂 When I'm on my own I can listen to different music than when trying to have conversations....

J*

[Jstar49]

Hi Sleepy,

Curious if you've seen /enjoyed the movie Betty Blue...? Music soundtrack available too. Very melancholic and sublime. I might need to watch it again tonite I think.

There is something delicious about melancholy. It can be a trap tho - like quicksand- suck you in and you can't get out. I might have to line up a comedy for after Betty blue.Get the endorphins pumping again. It's the things I need to do that often feel the hardest.

As far as the convo goes about supporting others- Yes! Perhaps thats why these forums work well, because there is a wide variety of ppl who comment, and no obligation. I love the idea of community, but in any group of ppl there will be some who take advantage, and some who feel no 'mutual obligation' and some who try to take care of others to their own detriment. My mother is one of the latter, and coincidentally, my sister is one of the first sort and sucks her pretty much dry.

It's tough to walk the middle path.

Hence self care and boundaries I guess.

Tony I also love Cat Stevens 'Father and son'- classic melancholy!

I'm reminded of David playing music to King Saul. Music calms the savage beast.

Love

J*

[Guest_1643]

Hey Jstar... this is the third time I've been recommended Betty Blue wow... i must really see this one. Ppl love it. And rave about it 🙂 I havnen't seen it for that reason - I think at the time I was very sensitive about watching something sad.. but there is sad that is just depressing and there is sad that has a cathartic element to it...

The dynamic between ur mother and sister sounds familiar to me. Ur right there are all kinds...

I have read recently about a concept called "love bombing" where someone overloads u with affection to get u on side... there is grief for me in seeing so clearly now many of the dynamics i didn't see before

[Jstar49]

Hi Sleepy, I had to look back to see why I thought of Betty Blue for you- it's the music! The soundtrack is a bit eclectic, but has one of the most sublimely melancholic and beautiful tracks....If you have spotify you can listen to it I think. Also spotify premium is having a 3 mth free trial atm- I just signed up so I can take my music away with me when I travel for a couple days with my youngest d, as I'll probably leave the laptop for my partner. Heaps of audio books all loaded and ready to go!

I don't really like travelling much- leaving my kitchen lol! But I shall do it!

How are you doin, beautiful sleepy-girl?

Cheers,

J*