The Madonna Complex

[BunnyMuffin]

Hi There,

This is maybe a bit of an awkward topic but I wonder if any one has any information or experience with the Madonna Complex?

My ex recently admitted to feeling "dirty" after sex. He sees me as pure and "too good" for sex. But admits looking at other women for sex, but not love. He has not had sex with anyone is 3 years (even after we split up...)

I am so confused by this all.

We broke up over 6 months ago because he said he "didn't look at me like that anymore" and had been having "urges".

Then 2 months ago he came to me crying saying he has only ever been happy with me, that he loves me and it is "just the sex thing" that is stopping him from being with me. He feels like he is throwing away his one chance at happiness. He has started seeing a psychologist about his issues but I haven't been able to find much support or advice for myself about it all.

I have started having panic attacks and anxiety because of all of this. I am seeing a psychologist myself but I'd like to know if anyone has experienced this time of thing themselves? I believe it is called The Madonna Complex.

[BunnyMuffin]

Sara, I am so sorry my post upset you. I hope you are feeling better today. This is truly a horrific situation, isn't it? xx

[BunnyMuffin]

What confuses me about our whole situation is that he was able to maintain a physical relationship with me for 7 out of our 10 years together. He has never maintained a relationship before. I think I did read somewhere that it can manifest in men once they reach their mid 30's (which he is). He claims he has not slept with anyone else during the course of our relationship or since our break up. I think even if his issue could be fixed, my trust in him has completely eroded.

Looking back on our relationship I see now he was grooming me to become the Madonna (as I stated before).

[Just Sara]

Good morning BM;

Please don't concern yourself with my well being. I'm an old hat at triggers and use them to gauge my beliefs, thoughts and confidence. So be assured, posting was more beneficial to me than you think.

As I've said, I've been writing with bias due to my own experiences. So I'll try to put to you what led me to split from my relationship in a way that's more detached.

While concentrating on your partner, especially with sympathy, you give parts of yourself away. Thinking of yourself first, and asking yourself important questions will help determine what you really want and feel...for you..

We all want the best for our loved ones, but without self acknowledgement, we can get lost among problems like trying to compensate for someone else's sexual dysfunction, and therefore neglect our own needs and desires.

Is he a good investment for your future? Does he pay dividends or runs at a loss as an investment? Is there balance between you both?

I asked myself these same questions and realized I'd been ignoring the signs for yrs. We began just like you did, but you also hit on the grooming thing too. I used to say to myself; "It feels like I'm being groomed?"

Now, that's my story BM. What's yours? Obviously we're different women and they're different men. Similarities aside, is this the man you want to grow old with? Is he willing to push boundaries for you? Not just sexually, but as a supportive partner?

I wish you well with your decision, which ever way it goes.

Kind thoughts;

Sara xo

[BunnyMuffin]

Hi Sara, I am glad you are OK and know how to look after yourself 🙂

Your last response got me thinking. I think I have been looking at my anxiety all wrong. I thought I was feeling anxious about how he sees at me, as a "pure woman" but I think it is my minds way of processing all of this information and moving me towards making a decision of my own. Instead of just sitting here waiting for him to sort himself out, I am actually capable of lifting myself up out of it all. I can just walk away. I think the anxiety steams from me realising that maybe I don't actually want to be in a relationship with him at all. It is still heart breaking because I do love him a lot but he hasn't actually been a very good partner to me throughout our entire relationship.

My story is this...My ex (let's call him Sam) and I met in London when I was living there on a working holiday visa. We quickly started spending a lot of time together. He moved back to Australia with me once my visa ran out. He now has citizenship.

The grooming I think commenced immediately. I was young and carefree. I liked to go out and drink and dance with my friends. One day we were at a bar and a friend and i were dancing when "Sam" came over and screamed at me in front of everyone that all the men were looking at me. That I looked like a slut. I felt 2 inches tall. It was incidences like that throughout the course of a relationship that make me think he was grooming me. He hated me having male friends at all. Looking back, i don't know how I put up with it as long as I did.

Meanwhile, he would go out, have female friends, spend time with them, throughout the course of the relationship. I once found a photo on his phone of him licking a random womans face in a nightclub. When I confronted him about it that same day he was angry at my for sitting outside of a party chatting to two male friends. To this day he still justifies his behaviour as "nothing".

This is the kind of grooming I am referring to. This is what I think I am trying to process.

[Just Sara]

Morning BM;

Thanks for sharing your story with me. It gives me perspective about who you are and what you've been thru...

Firstly; we're groomed only if we allow it. That power is ours, we just don't normally understand that while it's happening. You've also told of the first time Sam exhibited signs of controlling you; I have a story like that too, not in specifics, but a sign none the less - my man was passively controlling.

Here's the thing; that was then, ten yrs ago. What have you learned from it? Are you still ignoring those signs or are you so used his behaviour, the normality of it is causing you to question your gut feelings and right to feel equal in the relationship? Has his crying and begging to come back influenced you to reassess your resolve to leave? Because that's about him, not you.

Being heard and acknowledged by our significant other is a right, not a privilege. This of course goes for Sam as well. Communication is the foundation this is based on. Yes, it takes time to sort out differences and conflict long term, but compromising becomes all too normal when we're confronted by the same screwed up ideals time and again.

Your anxiety is an indication you're resisting standing up for yourself. It wouldn't be present if you weren't. As I've stated, the questions we need to ask ourselves are more important than figuring out the answers. The 'right' question is all you need.

Love's complex; compatibility and respect are essential.

Take care...

Sara xo

[BunnyMuffin]

I've made a decision. I am walking away. I now understand that this issue cannot be "fixed". There is no magic cure, no matter how badly someone wants it.

I can't live under this cloud. What a horrible complex "syndrome" this is, heart breaking.

I had my appointment with my psychologist today and I was able to formulate a plan. I am moving back with my parents for awhile. Recovery starts now 🙂 I do deserve better than what is being offered to me right now. Today, I choose happiness.

Thank you all for your help, particularity you, Sara for sharing your raw and emotional story with me.

Peace & Love to All 🙂

[Just Sara]

I wish you well Bunny;

I made it and so can you. Don't look back ok.

Sara xo