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The end of a relationship is always hard, but I have lost all hope.

Boo1986
Community Member

Hi everyone, I suffer from Depression and Anxiety, I take my medication and see my psychologist at least once a month. I try to eat right and exercise, and catch up with friends whenever I have the energy. I have my beautiful rescue dog to keep me company and encourage me to keep active. I really try to battle against this problem, but it seems the harder I try, the more it ends up hurting.

I recently put myself out there on a dating website and got to know some wonderful people. There was one I was particularly interested in and we started dating. Everything was going so well and I felt so happy for once. Yesterday he broke up with me. I am shattered. It took so much courage for me to sign up for online dating and to let him in.

I guess I just want to hear from others that there is hope, that love exists. I would really love to hear from people that have had positive experiences and can help me fight my demons. The depression tells me to give up, that it's not worth it, that it's better just to be alone than risk getting hurt. Usually I can try to control my thoughts and not let the depression take hold but I am really struggling right now. I'd really love some positive words to try to push back all the negatives in my mind. I just can't see the positives right now. Any help would really be appreciated.

74 Replies 74

pipsy
Community Member

Hi Boo1986. A warm welcome to the forums. Congrats for having the courage to join an online dating website. I've often considered it. When the guy broke up, did he give reason? Sometimes there is no connection, or only a one way type connection. I'm sorry it didn't work, you have a lot of unanswered questions, what did you say/do wrong. Maybe it was more him than you, perhaps he wasn't comfortable or ready to get involved. Taking these feelings of rejection as 'one of those things' is so hard when your emotions are involved. You are grieving too for what may have been. As hard as it is, the best way to recover is to: as the saying goes, 'get back on the horse'. In other words, give it another go. I realize you may not wish to try again, but this is exactly what you need to do. Everyone here has been through this feeling of break-up in relationships. It's like being prescribed AD's, you keep trying till you connect. Perhaps give yourself some time to accept that this wasn't Mr Right. You never know, next time, you might be the one to 'pull the pin', or next time might turn out to be the one. To try to view it from a different angle, you had some outings, enjoyed the company.

Lynda

Boo1986
Community Member

Hi Lynda,

Thank-you for replying to me. Yes I think that has been the hardest part, that he didn't really give a reason. All he said was "I think I need a break to get my thoughts in to place. Feel like what I felt for you when I met you has faded away and can't guarantee it will hold us together in the future. Better to let you know now than to string you along. I'm sorry. I can't help my feelings. You are truly an amazing person in so many ways and I can't understand why I feel the way I do. But I just do unfortunately. I really don't want to hurt you."

I just don't understand how he can think I am an amazing person, but not want to be with me. It all changed so suddenly, I feel I must have done something wrong but I don't know what. This was really my last-ditch effort to find someone. Earlier in the year I had a terrible break up after a 2-year relationship and it had taken me this long to be ready to really give it another try. I just don't think I can do it again. The risk of getting hurt is just too high. I don't think there is anyone out there who is able to love me as tenderly as I need, I am a very sensitive and emotional person. I just can't handle arguments and drama, it seems to affect me more than any of my ex-boyfriends so I always end up being the one to change. I never have the confidence to stand up for myself and make sure the relationship is benefitting me as much as it is them. I really give it my all, I just have nothing left to give.

james1
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Boo,

I'm a 25 yo male and after a 4 year relationship break up, I took a bit of a dive in terms of mental health but eventually thought I could give online dating a go. Met this lovely girl who I got along with and we'd started seeing each other exclusively after a month. Then without warning, the day after one awesome date, she just ended it claiming she realised she wasn't physically attracted to me.

So that sucked. I'll never know whether it was cold feet or what, but I did the best I could to say I'd be happy to be friends, then as Lynda said, I jumped back on the horse and had a few conversations with various people.

It's tough, but my psych told me: the bright side is I made a genuine connection with someone. And that's a good thing because it means there'll be others I can connect with too.

James

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi and welcome

Building yourself up again once struck down is I'm afraid, part of life. Life isn't easy.

This frequent battle is easier to front for some more than others...some need a helping hand.

Our problem is, we with mental struggles need more of a helping hand than many...hence why you posted.

Ive had 4 long term relationships of over 8 years each. Before I married my current wife I lived with a lady for 10 years and was shattered when it dissolved.

What I did to cope is what I've done previously, keep busy and never give up on yourself, your dreams and the hope of meeting the right guy (as Pipsy said)

This positive frame of mind does rarely cone automatically. You have to learn it but once learned you will never return to the gloom for more than a short time, your rebound will come quickly.

To make this clearer please google

Topic: 30 minutes can change your life- beyondblue

Topic: confidence, how do you get it?- beyondblue

Topic: being positive, what's the secret?- beyondblue

Tony WK

Boo1986
Community Member

Thanks James, I appreciate you sharing this. How did you work through the 4 year relationship break up? was it just a matter of "time heals all wounds" or was there anything specific that you found helped you to stay positive?

I feel that it is really cold to have said that to you, especially after things had been going so well. I get upset because I wonder why people aren't willing to work on a relationship, they just give up so easily.

Were you frightened to try again? How did you cope? Has it been worth it to keep trying for you?

james1
Community Champion
Community Champion

hey Boo,

Well, I started coming here! I think my first post ever on BB was in the relationships section. The break up was 31 May, I had two weeks of exams, then some pretty bad depression for the rest of June, then from July I found my way here.

I don't think there's such thing as full closure, but time certainly heals many wounds. There's a song called "For Good" in the Wicked musical. It's all about how, when we lose someone, we haven't really lost them forever. Because they leave a "handprint on [our] heart" and change us for good. I think it's true and I think accepting that, even if we never speak or meet again, it's not like that chapter of my life is just gone, because I've changed a lot since meeting her and through those 4 years. That was really the positive in my post-break up. To know that I'd changed.

Yeah, I didn't mind too much because I preferred having a reason than not. And I definitely agree it's so upsetting when people aren't willing to work on something. But sometimes it's because they're struggling with something else. I know this new interest had some issues with her previous break up.

I was pretty put off dating again. I mean, when you pour everything into someone and a relationship, just to have it torn apart like that...it shatters your confidence. But I tried to remind myself of the fact that I did get in a relationship to start with. What did they like? They liked talking to me. I must be interesting at least to some people, even if not as many as I'd like. I found that helped - just to recognise that people must've found something worthwhile in me.

I think it's good to have a little bit of a think first about what you think you are good at and why people have liked you in the past, whether as friends or more. There must be something 🙂 Then, I'd say yes, trying again is nice even if scary and a bit off putting at times. But take it easy! Because just like job seeking, there are lots of good jobs out there, but lots of rejections too!

James

Quiettall
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Boo

I wanted to encourage you to keep on reaching out. Just because you have had one rejection from your friend you met on the online setup, dont give up. After my divorce many years ago, I had the same hopeless feelings, as well as anxiety. However, I was determined, with the encouragement of those who said I should take a risk and reach out to others. Yes, I did have knock-backs and hurts, but I have met some wonderful people, remarried, and live a more fulfilling life than ever before. I still suffer from sadness and anxiety about the hurt and loss of relationship with my children after the divorce 25 years ago, but there is so much to live for, and love.

Chin up, keep posting and there are people her who are only too willing to encourage and support you

Peter

Thanks Tony, some great reading there, good for me to refer back to in moments of despair. I have copied and pasted into my emails for personal reference. I try to be positive, most people close to me when I (after many years of suffering in silence) felt I was strong enough to tell my close friends and family that I had been suffering with depression for many years, was seeing a psychologist and taking medication, they were all shocked. They said I seemed so happy, that I was always laughing and cheering other people up. I don't want to have depression, and I don't want it to beat me. I am just so tired. I don't know how long I can keep trying to keep my head above water before I'll drown.

Boo1986
Community Member

Thanks James,

Even though I can't really feel as up-beat as I would like to at the moment, reading your reply it seems like you are very up-beat and this gives me hope.

I guess he liked something, but I fear it was only skin deep. I wish more people could see beneath that I am just a fragile person who wants to be loved and understood. I wish people cared more about who I am and not how I look.

Than-you for understanding.