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Telling a girl that you wanted to get to know them as friends before starting a relationship when you ask them out

Community Member

I have recently been feeling like I've been doing things wrong when trying to start a relationship. I used to ask girls out after 2-3 months of meeting them and usually get rejected. I decided to focus on being friends and look at starting a relationship after 8 months or more so I know a bit about the girl I like because I'm thinking about having a long, committed relationship that might end in getting married. But now I feel that this might be doing more harm in starting a relationship and putting me in the so called "friend zone". I realised that I've changed how I start dating because of past experiences of being blinded by love and putting on a mask to try and impress the girls I'm interested in and sometimes ignoring warning signs that the girl isn't the best for me. I'm now wondering if it's a good idea to tell the girl I like that I've been interested in them for a while and wanted to get to know them as friends before starting a relationship, but worried they will think I'm lying.

Am I ruining my chances with starting a relationship due to my experiences because of wanting to be friends and getting to know the girl? Is it a good idea to say that I wanted to get to know them first when I tell them I like them and try asking them out? Are girls more likely to say yes to a guy that says they wanted to get to know them as friends because it makes them look like they want to have a long term relationship?

3 Replies 3

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi brendo and welcome to the the forums.Great question you have asked.I am not the best person to probably answer your questions as i didnt start dating to i was 29y.o because of my anxiety.But you have said about wanting to start of by being friends sounds like the right approach and i believe you are on the right tract with it.I find being a good listener and showing you genuinly care about the person really goes far.Please dont lose faith in your method as i am sure you will meet someone you click with.

Take care,


Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi @brendo1234

I hope you're alright and things are going well for you. I wanted to share some insight as I have a good idea about what you may be going through. To answer your question about if you are hurting your chances by starting a friendship first, It really depends on the person. But if you tell them you want to be friends from the very start, it might give them the wrong idea as they might assume you are not sexually and romantically attracted to them.

However, there are people who appreciate you getting to know them as a friend, before trying anything else. But there are some people who prefer a direct approach and asking them out first on a date. It really depends on who you are and who they are.

If you still want to go with starting of as friends, but you have the intention to further things, or at least is interested in doing so. Then remember to be more open and risky with that person. Flirt, make jokes, go out with just them, etc. Give them some indication that there is a possibility to take the next step. Not doing this might get you into the "Friend-zone" as they don't even have a clue that you like them that way, or that there was even a glimpse of a possibility. Additionally, you can take a further step, and be more upfront and confident with your approach and start with "Hey I think you are really . . . I was wondering if you would like to catch up with me sometime" or something like that where you show clear interest, that way even if you get turned down, at least you didn't waste months. You can still take things slow and let them know that after.

Hope this helps somewhat 🙂

Community Member

Hi Brendo,

I think if I guy said to me he “wanted to get to know me as friend first” I would assume the relationship that follows would be platonic.

However, if a guy said to me “I want to get to know you as a person” or “I enjoy taking things a bit slower, because I like building a connection” I would quite enjoy that. I would say yes, you do need to keep some sort of flirtation there, as that’s generally a part of early romantic relationships (however, I obviously can’t speak on behalf of all girls).

In my experience, men have always moved faster than I’ve wanted to them to. It sounds like you genuinely need a connection beyond attraction, and I think that’s something you should be incredibly proud of. It suggests you appreciate humans in their entirety.

All the best for your dating ventures 🙂