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Married 20+ years, 3 kids and feel just like room mates!!

Community Member

So we have been married for 24 years. i was a ADHD kid growing up and did not have many close friends at school, so when my now wife showed some interest i latched on as i was not confident of getting anyone else. She was my first serious relationship right out of high school and even early on i didn't have that feeling of head over heels being in love, it felt more like - this is what the adults do so lets do that.

The last 3 1/2 years it is very rare that we end up in bed (just to sleep) at the same time, she will always go to sleep in the lounge and then come to bed at 4am or 5am. It is now at the stage where i do not think that i could go to sleep with someone else in the bed whilst i'm awake. During this same period there has been zero intimacy. I have suggested seperate bedrooms but she was stunned that i would even bring it up.

We have never been super tidy but lately i am now starting to resent her leaving things out as she expects me to clean it up. I do not hate her all, quite the opposite -i care about her alot and i dont want to break her heart but im not sure that i can stay and be happy in this type of a relationship. I work full time, am involved on a Committee of a sporting club, and studying online, so the housework gets away from me and when i ask for help it is promised but never delivered. Im starting to get really frustrated but dont want to hurt her or the kids.


4 Replies 4

Community Member

Hi Dan049,

Thanks for sharing this and I’m sorry to hear you are struggling with this situation which is completely understandable.

You are certainly not alone in experience this and I think it’s always difficult when you have been in a relationship for several years to keep the spark and connection going. For me, communication has always been the key to resolving issues although this can be a hard conversion to have I think it’s a great starting point to sit down and talk though your differences. It can be a good idea to agree in advance a time to sit down and talk thorough your concerns so it’s in a non confrontational manner.

Relationships are very complex and I know from personal experience that they take a great deal of investment. Couples counselling has also worked for me in the past to help me really understand my partner and vice versa.

I think trying to open up the lines of communication with each other in a non confrontational manner is a good starting point.

Hope this helps

Thank you for reaching out, it is amazing how you feel after putting up a post like this and getting a genuine response, it is like a weight comes off you that was smothering you. Thank you.

Community Member

Hi Dan049,

Well done on reaching out, sometimes writing things down and reaching can clarify exactly how you are feeling and help you to work through the issues. Plus responses from others others on the forum like Haggisinoz can be so helpful.

I can relate to your situation. Marriage and 3 children is hard work, it takes a lot of time and energy and often the marriage can be put on the backburner because the children and work get all your energy. As you met at such a young age it seems natural to wonder if it was the right move but its clear that you care deeply for your wife and thats a great place to start. I agree with Haggisinoz that communication is key, and booking in a time to talk, a time when you are both feeling relaxed, which I understand can be difficult to find with children, can really help work through how you are both feeling.

Wishing you all the best and I hope we can continue to support you here on the forum if you feel like sharing an update on your situation.

No problem Dan049, it always good to reach out to others on this platform. I hope everything starts to turn the corner for you, enjoy your weekend (;