Teenage daughter

[N888]

Does anyone feel like their 20 year old daughter hates them? Or like walking on egg shells around her. What every i say, she twists it around to make out that ive said something wrong and turns into an arguement. Does anyone have any advice please....

[Learn to Fly]

Hello again N888

Also, if i dont give her attention..

She thens says i dont care and she starts saying whats wrong, why arent you talking. I have ruined the relationship. I cant win!

There seem to be a lot of big emotions happening there for both you and your daughter. It's very hard, or sometimes impossible to communicate each party's needs and feelings when the emotions are running sky-high. You sound very concerned about your daughter and current situation, which is completely understandable considering how things are going. 

I would encourage you to read my previous post and to start with, truly and genuinely tried to listen to what she has to say to you. Even if it hurts you. Even when she says all of these things you have mentioned. Even when it sounds like an accusation. This might prove very challenging for you cause nobody likes to hear those things about themselves. However, for her sake and for the sake of truly trying to improve your relationship, I would encourage you to listen to what she has to say. Truly listen and then reflect: what happened that she has arrived at that sort of conclusion? Maybe they are some things that you say or do, which you could amend without a bigger effort and try to work on improving the things between the two of you. 

[Learn to Fly]

Hi N888,

You mentioned that your daughter is 20yo. I think as parents we are often guilty of not noticing the age of our children and at times we might still treat them as below the adulthood age. 

She is an adult and she has this free choice of drinking alcohol, if she wants to. I am not saying this is good. I am just saying that as working and earning her own money adult, she has the right to do so. 

Maybe the question here would be more like: what's been happening in your daughter's life that drove her towards buying alcohol and quite possibly drinking on her own? I would be concerned about this bit. 

Also, all of us need some space, often privacy, and it's so important for other family members to respect this. Again, as parents, we might think that we are doing some things having our children's best interest in mind but then this might work against us. Obviously, we don't have the full picture and I might be totally wrong but I am just not sure if going to your daughter's room and finding alcohol (in this instance) is a good thing in terms of not respecting the fact that she might need some space to herself. 

[white knight]

Hi N888,

We are all here to help you and your daughter. Initially we have limited information due to limited character count so we put forward suggestions and some are not helpful as we are off track due to more facts coming to light.

A good example is my suggestion she move out. Some opportunities come up with reasonable shared rent and we don't know about her affordability and so on and whether you want to enforce house rules. Where there is inground resentment along with disrespect, with no remedy in sight, distancing often result in closer relationships. 

Have you investigated Govt allowances, rental assistance etc for that possibility or like my daughter, find work?

We don't have all the answers and we are not professional medical people. We are volunteers with mental health issues that have "lived experiences " with the intent to help those in distressing situations.

 Do you have a solution for the possession of alcohol (in her room) yourself? 

Relationship stress is a very hard topic to adjudicate. 

TonyWK 

[8-8-8]

My mum is a major nagger on where, who and what I'm doing even if she doesn't know them so I don't see a point in telling her. I think maybe sit her down and have a talk to her. My mother suggested I move out and it only made me resent her more so I defiantly wouldn't do that. My parents still pay for my car and phone if She wants to act out the way she is maybe restrict one of those privileges. Also keep in mind she's still growing so some things she may say will hurt you but I wouldn't take it close to heart. She could have underlying issues happening at uni or work causing her stress and anxiety to act out like this too.  

[N888]

Hi. What do you do if you dont like or trust your daughters new boyfriend? I dont get a good feeling from him and when i meet him for the first time, its  mothers intuition that i got a bad vibe from him. I cant bring up the topic with her because she defends him straight a

[N888]

Hi. What do you do if you dont like her new boyfriend? I dont trust him nor like him. The first time I meet him, mothers intuition came over me and i got a bad vibe from him. I cant bring up the topic because she defends him straight away. Last night she came home with a love bite. My daughter was always the good girl and i hope its not all for attention. 

[white knight]

As parents we see our children as always our children until a milestone comes along that changes our perception. Then we begin to see them as mature adults. I'm talking generally.

A few people over many years (I'm 67yo) have displayed to me what fine parents they are. I've learned from them and honed my own parenting from such influences. Otherwise, if we dont advance, we get stuck in that perception of them and they react with avengence, total rebellion regardless if you have their interest at heart.

In your case, I have to be open here, she is old enough to vote, drive, isnt under age, can fly to any part of the world and lead the life she please legally. There is nothing a parent can do, no police action, no human services would listen to your concerns simply because she now has rights like every other adult human. That alone leave you in a no win situation which leaves 2 options for oyu-

1/ continue on judging what she does in a negative fashion and potentially destroy your relationship

2/ allow her to do what she wants because any upbringing desire on your part is far too late to be swallowed by her at 20yo.

Take that love bite. As a young man I had friends. A mate of mine had a girlfriend and our group ended up at a beachside camping ground. The couple went missing for about an hour. They returned with her wearing a love bite on her neck. When alone with her for a minute I commented "you're silly, look at that love bite". She got upset and told her boyfriend who lashed out at me telling me to mind my own business and that whatever they do they are adults and can do it!! All my other friends agreed with them. I was wrong.

Being a parent is no different except in one area. Advice. To feeling give advice to a 20yo (that is rebelling against their parent) is to wait until it is asked for. Only then can you calmly have a parent to adult daughter conversation which would go along the lines of "if you want to drink alcohol I'd like to think you'll drink to responsible levels" and "wearing a love bite isnt a form of medal to display but if you feel it is then that's your decision." 

Subtle remarks, like a friend to a friend but that could be your goal and it would take a long time to get there. 

Same with her choice of boyfriend. Her choice, we all had ours once.

Your view of what I suggest?

TonyWK

[Learn to Fly]

Hi N888,

How do you bring up the topic of your daughter's boyfriend if she defends him straight away? Maybe it would be a good idea to change the narrative and ask some questions from a different angle, so she didn't feel she needed to defend her choice. 

Let us know your approach. 

Also, as Tony asked - it would be great to hear your own solution to the possession of alcohol you mentioned before. 

[Learn to Fly]

I couldn't agree more, Tony. It's so easy to be swallowed by day-to-day life and sort of lose the trace of time and as a parent continue to apply the same rules (in certain situations) to our children regardless of their age. It can be challenging but at some point, we just have to let go. This means expressing our trust in them, respecting their own independent choices, and respecting the people they have become.

I don't think it's easy, especially if we are used to controlling a lot of aspects of our children's lives.

And I do think that the situation of young adults these days is harder than before when most of us would be leading our own independent adult lives and be out of our parents' places by the age of 19 - at the latest. 

Great post. 

[N888]

Hi Tony, 

You always give great advice and yes, everything you mentioned is true. But, im finding it difficult dealing with all these new situations and letting go.

The fear that one boy can ruin all your hardwork that you have taught your child. She is a good person, but somehow really dislikes me or is taking her angry out on me. 

Regarding the alcohol, i know its there because she told me. She has alittle before she goes out with friends and boyfriend to calm her anxiety. I dont think thats right, but she said it helps. But dont you get use to a little then have a little more and so on. Thats what im worried about. 

It was easier when we were growing up, i think .....