Teenage daughter

[N888]

Does anyone feel like their 20 year old daughter hates them? Or like walking on egg shells around her. What every i say, she twists it around to make out that ive said something wrong and turns into an arguement. Does anyone have any advice please....

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

My daughter is 33yo now. At 12yo I began to inject small comments like "At 18yo you will have to find a place of your own". At 18yo she went to uni and then rented in the city to become a teacher. She never returned home. I think it was a wise condition and she often joked about it but she never knew that had she not been able to move out I would have been flexible as to the timeframe.

This modern era sees children remain in the home much longer than back in the 70's when I was a teen. I question if that causes more issues, some that parents are unaware, like urging independence and magnifying issues like "familiarity breeds contempt". Based in that theory you could visit the possibility of asking her to consider moving out with the long term likelihood of your relationship flourishing.

As parents we often dont fully understand a childs perception of us until we receive the odd comment like "you're old" or behaviour of which you are experiencing now. Our desire to parent well clouds the bigger picture of what's better for them. Add to that your daughter is fully grown, she's an adult and has her own views and opinions that differ from yours. Right or wrong in her views that difference is imo the key factor in her rebellion. As a result that "twisting words around" is pure resentment imo, and she likely knows its not right nor accurate.

I'm sorry I havent any other answer. I joined the Air Force at 17yo but at 26yo after a failed relationship I moved back home for a few months and almost immediately reacted to my parents the same way as your daughter. 

I hope it all goes well. 

TonyWK

[8-8-8]

Hey there just advice from a 20 year old daughter in the same position with her mum. Sometimes I just find my mother controlling, to me 20s are the point in life you have to let us go and figure out stuff on our own because that what we want to experience sure we will have problems and issues but we will learn how to solve them ourselves. I would maybe give her some space because sometimes distance makes the heart grow fonder and she will appreciate you way more 

[N888]

Thank you.

But did you tell your mum where and who you were with. Or did you just leave and not say anything. There is no respect. 

I havent spoken to her in 2 days and if i do say anything she snaps at me.

Its very hard, not knowing where your child is. She has withdrawn from the family, doesnt help around the house and has totally changed. She use to be so sweet.

But on a positive note. She is doing really well at Uni and goes to work.

She said im the problem and judgemental. Cant do anything right for her! 😢

[N888]

Also, if i dont give her attention..

She thens says i dont care and she starts saying whats wrong, why arent you talking. I have ruined the relationship. I cant win!

[white knight]

Hi N888,

Did you read my post? You might have skipped it

TonyWK 

[N888]

Thank you Tony.

Im not asking my child to move out. There is no way she could afford the rent or buying food. 

Its very hard now being a parent, like you said, compare to the 70's. Technology, no respect, expectations and just different way of living. 

I just hope she finds a good group of friends and hopefully finds a respectful partner that will look after her. My daughter is a good girl, im sure she is just trying to find her path through life. 😌

[Learn to Fly]

Hi N888

Thank you for reaching out with this very much up to date topic, and I am sure, shared by many parents. 

How would you feel about having a good conversation with your daughter? Starting with "I appreciate what you do for us.....enter whatever the thing is." or "I love you and I would love for things between us to get better. We live together and it would be much easier for everyone if we could try to work things out"

Then trying to keep to the "I message" something like "I feel like lately there has been a bit of a rough time between us. This hurts me deeply because I love and treasure you. I want to be there for you but at the same time, I respect you as an independent adult and don't want you to feel like I am invading your space. However, it has been very difficult for me to read your boundaries. I need your help with this. Please give me some guidance and simply tell me what you prefer. Together we can try to work things out" - something similar or along the lines - let your heart dictate the words so it sounds genuine. Toward the end, you should also gently but firmly present some household rules: about cleaning, cooking etc. Asking her what she proposes, and what she could contribute? If this doesn't work, setting up a roster for the entire family. 

Let us know what you think. 

[N888]

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[N888]

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