Surviving narcissism

[white knight]

I used to believe narcissism was rare, but its more common than I thought. Ultimately someone wanting control over individuals or entire families is common and one must identify it in order to deal with it.

What is "narcissism". Well, it's told by many a professional - just google it and can include some or all of the methods below-

• Triangulation of people
• Lack of empathy
• self centred
• manipulation
• use of others as blind supporters
• expectations of being superior
• Can feel insecure

There are others of course. To be fair some suffer NPD and if you read this and you are getting treatment then you deserve the highest praise.

If you suffer any mental illness particularly low self esteem, a submissive persona or you are excessively reliant then you could feel trapped in a life with someone that is controlling. The one with control could at worst, control members of your family so suddenly you are battling against a gang on a field the narcissist has paved for use as a battlefield. You arent a fighter but you have no choice, you face them, the narcissist is at the back pulling the puppet strings of her pawns at the front. The more you admit fault the greater power they feel they have until you fully submit.

Most articles I've read suggest "no contact" but with other relatives drawn in it isnt easy facing losing them. This is a prime situation to seek counselling because you'll doubt yourself, your actions that you are criticised for. 

Anything you say can and will be used against you, twisted and blended in with the distant past, a time when you'd agreed to leave that alone suddenly it's dragged up again to build their arsenal. You'll need to decide, do you tolerate such conflict or do you seek relief, happiness and a life full of mature people surrounding you?

A close relative recently rang me crying saying "I've lost my Aunty and looks like both my cousins" as her cousins were dragged into a dispute between her and her aunty. But my daughter has a close network of friends and me and her mum so I asked her "people come and go from our lives, do you really want these people to keep ties with you"?  After a few days she realised that to preserve her mental health she would move on. It's tough but you'll survive

TonyWK

[Guest_1584]

But how do you not ?

l mean l've had some big regrets through life but some l can let go , some l've even turned into positives in some way.

But how do you not allow some or others ?

You know , l was thinking about sending her a text debunking those last few things,or these will go on bugging me just like they did from the last call to her yrs back unless l do. Or , l somehow find a way to not allow it as you say .

Any thoughts on should you or shouldn't you send a text about it ?

lt's be my last communication with her.

rx

[white knight]

Hi rx

I really understand this need to fill the gap of explaining the information you forgot to give at the end of the conflict. It eats you up. However there is ramifications for doing so at a later date, even worse much later on.

• you will be seen as very unstable as they will know you dwell on issues
• them knowing it eats you up might give them satisfaction and elevate themselves
• you confirm (in their eyes) you need the last word
• having the last word can be seen as needing to be dominant (not unusual for narcs to claim other people are narcs!)
• Dwelling on issues highlights a separate problem you have that should imo needs attention.

In the following thread, the need to protect yourself when the conflict is occuring is appropriate but not after the conflict has been and gone-

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/vulnerable-dwelling-unprotected/m-p/282933/highligh...

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/people-apples-of-empathy/td-p/257267

The following thread is on dwelling, as in your situation, a need to finish the unfinished-

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/who-cries-over-spilt-milk/td-p/43088

Question- if you plan not to have any relationship with a narcissist, why does a need for any words need to be said? 

TonyWK

[Guest_1584]

Thanks very much Tony

The funny side to all that is, she brings up an exact copy of her ph call three yrs ago , it was like 5mins had past. So we know who dwells then don't we eh but we also know a narc won't even realize that or that we see through them.

l'll be back later.

[Guest_1584]

Read the first link and thanks for that but unfortunately yeah, life certainly is that way sometimes.

l'm rather complex in that way and hold different thoughts. For one , l refuse to go through life on guard or ready to fire at any split second, l like my life and people mutually relaxed and enjoyable. l also have another weird thing about explaining myself to anyone. lf it's someone genuine in my life or in just life and worthwhile or needed , l will try to but also to keep it brief but there are many other times and people you come across where l refuse to even bother and they can think what they like bc l often couldn't care less anyway. lt works well mostly and you only end up bothering with those that matter in your world. Trouble is , the two ways can also get a bit blended at times l've been that way for so long and now and then you don't or just couldn't be bothered bothering, but where really you should've or often end up later wishing you did, but the chance is gone.

learnt a long time ago that really you need to straighten things out in life when they arise and you have the chance or usually you've missed the opportunity. But it's easier said than done.

That sister, l pulled no punches straightening out some of her assumptions and rubbish her jaw would drop and things would turn polite until a few minutes later and she's dreamed up another one. lt was not only ridiculous but exhausting and l just couldn't be bothered with some of it..

But tbh l wish l did though, her crap deserved the full work over.

rx