Lonely in relationship

[W_Crane]

Hi guys,

I am very much struggling with my relationship.

Married since 20 years, 10 years ago I started to feel that something is off but could not name it. Two years ago we had a mayor crisis (trust issues - I was the culprit) and she became quite withdrawn.

I started to research and found that we both conflict avoidant, she tends to passive aggressiveness (silent treatment) and I am more the people pleaser.

I found that the relationship is lacking balance since a very long time (~10), especially when it comes to affection, effort, reciprocity, communication, etc. In addition, I found that we have partly different values and that she has the slight tendency to use double standards.

Long story short, the longer I look at the relationship the more I realize it is lacking key ingredient that should come naturally. For example affection / effort. I can say our son never saw that she walks towards me to hug, kiss, etc, me.

We talked about it but can't come to a solution. It's the crisis 2 years ago, she denies or minimizes the issue or simply does not understand it (I am here, you are taken care off (household, food, lunchbox, etc. ...).

Somehow I am at my wits end as I feel lonely.

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome. 

There are three groups of people in our lives - intimate, friends, and other. (This is broadly speaking.) And it sounds like, from what you have said that you are lonely in your intimate relationship. While it sounded like you were the guilty party re trust some time ago, you also said that both have different values etc.

what sort of impact do these different values have on the relationship?

I mean, if the crisis did not occur, what difference do you think the "difference in values" would have in the relationship?

The other possibility is she is overly tired to give attention to .... ? And here the question is whether there are things you could help with.

There are just my random thoughts, so take them as you wish. Feel free to answer any parts that make sense or none. Either way ... listening....

[W_Crane]

Hi, thank you for your reply.

One value we differ would be the importance of work. She became a kind of workaholic where her work is a priority. In her opinion she works the hardest... Impact would be that she is constantly stressed (some major players left the company, she got partly their tasks now), constantly tiered (after 20:00 she hardly can watch a film without falling to sleep).

Another money... She wants more and more... I would be fine with what we have (we are in the lucky situation that we are debt free). Both differences do not have an impact on the crisis and vice versa. The crisis was triggered more by her passive aggressiveness.. but I don't want to justify my behavior as I could have managed that differently.

Helping her... I believe more I can't do. Most of the housework is done by me. I assume that's what you mean.

As I mentioned I am a bit lost. I am not a fan of generalizations but if you look up "healthy relationships", "signs of healthy relationships", etc. We hardly tick 30% of the boxes.  

[smallwolf]

i can imagine it would be hard to have a chat about things given how things are at work for her and extra responsibilities. It must be hard for her. And in turn, makes things more difficult at home? I wonder where the drive to work and and need for more money comes from - but I am just thinking out loud.

There are some topics I would (and can) struggle to talk with my wife about. My psychologist has given me a few ideas on how handle this. If you wanted I could share these with you. Let me know.

[W_Crane]

Thanks smallwolf... If you could give me some hints that would be great.

I am not sure, but I guess partly out of uncertainty and/or fear of any catastrophic event.