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Stuck between long term partner(ex) and new parnter - HELP!

So_stuck_and_sad
Community Member

I will try keep this short.

I was in a relationship for 3.5 years. We were best friends. Things started to change and I had a feeling in my heart that I wasnt happy. We were always aruging, never on the same page and I knew that my feelings were changing. I wasnt sexually attracted for a long time and he deserves to have someone that wants to have sex with him! I feel like I outgrew him as he can be super immature. I started falling for someone else that was also in an extremely unhappy relationship (worse then mine). He left his partner and I left mine. New partner has been amazing to me. His ex moved on straight away also. My ex wants me back all the time (he doesnt know about the new guy). I dont know if I made a mistake. I know I was so unhappy and he did a lot to push me away but I think I should have tried harder. I love both, but they are both so different and I see my life going in complete different directions with each. I know I would be happy with either one but maybe more happy and suited to my new partner. I feel like my ex is my home, but my new partner is more suited to me. I cant stand the thought of my ex being sad and alone. Everything I promised him I have now taken away from him, (buying a house, marriage, kids etc). The guilt kills me. It consumes me every day so bad sometimes i feel like I cant breath. I go to a psychologist once a week but im still so stuck. I just cannot make a decision. My new partner can feel my guilt and my confusion and it hurts me. He treats me so amazing he doesnt deserve my indecisiveness, guilt etc either. How do I make a decision? Even if I did go back to my ex theres too many lies etc now isnt there? How do I stop this from haunting me for the rest of my life? Or will this be my karma forever now? Sorry for the long sob story 😞

10 Replies 10

Blue_Jane
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi there

Looks like this is the first time you have posted with us. Welcome and apologies for taking so long to get a response - we have had a lot of posts to respond to.

Sounds like your new partner is a great person. It is very lucky to find someone so understanding and supportive.

Your guilt and feelings about your ex are normal. Of course you care for him but you can't be responsible for his feelings anymore. He deserves to know that you have moved on and your new partner deserves to have you focused on your relationship.

Great to hear that you are seeing a psychologist. At the very least hopefully they are helping you to articulate your feelings and thoughts.

This situation won't haunt you the rest of your life. I felt the same way when my ex and I broke up eight years ago. He had depression and our relationship wasn't strong enough to work through what he was going through. Unfortunately he remained dependent on my emotional support and I enabled that. We tried to get back together a few more times which just wasted time for both of us. He is a great guy and I will always care for him - since then he has married and had children. I too am married and now expecting my first baby. And I am so happy! But eight years ago I couldn't imagine my future without my ex. Now I feel that I am lucky that I left the relationship when I did as I have a wonderful husband and a great life.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Blue Jane

Thank you for your reply. Your words have made me see the light a little. One of the biggest issues is that my ex knows my new partner, we were all friends once upon a time. And when I told my ex I went on a date with my new guy (little white lie) he got so upset, said I have humiliated him, said he knew all along there was something there between us etc and that if I move forward with this new man that everyone will talk about it and I will make him (my ex) look stupid. I feel like a massive A hole for doing this. He says he would be happy for me to be with anyone else but this particular guy. I still get so sad about things with my ex. Restaurants we went to, special dates etc always make my stomach drop and fill me with guilt and sadness. Is this normal to still feel this sad when my new partner makes me so happy? Sometimes I feel like this is a sign that maybe ive make the wrong decision? My ex and I used to do so many things together, I cant stand the thought of him being lonely now and doing everything all on his own. I just want my ex to be happy. He deserves to be 😞

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello maybe I can tell you about my marriage that ended in divorce, that's another story, but I missed not being with her, but after 12 or more years I still love her, but she cares for me, the two of us had spent many a happy time in the past, done so much, another story, but she had to move on after 25 years of being married.
She has developed another life although we still each other at son's, grandchildren's birthday and at Xmas time, nothing has changed except we go our own way now.
A r/ship can't survive on memories or all the happy times, they're passed, we have become interested in something else now and moved on.
The r/ship we had, just as you had with your ex b/friend can't live on, each one of changes in some way from year to year, nothing can remain the same, and now you have someone else, good on you, move ahead with him, your ex is probably going to find someone else to partner. Geoff.

Hi So stuck and sad,

Welcome tot he community here on the forum. No doubt there are many of us who have been in similar situations to you. In your first post you mentioned that you and your ex were arguing a lot and you felt like you were never on the same page. Consider if you did decide to return to him, things might be wonderful for a while, then everything may change to how it was when you left.

This new guy seems to make you happy, and he sounds understanding. Does he still see your ex socially? You mentioned you all used to be friends together Is that something that bothers you so much that you would end a relationship with the new guy as you fear what the ex will think?

One thing I have learnt in life is that I have to make my own decisions and I have no control over how others feel about me or about themselves.

When I left my first husband he threatened to end his life. He tried to make me feel guilty so I would return to him. I didn't return and he eventually moved on.

Your ex has his own choices as to how he handles all of this. Telling him you have moved on would be the kindest thing to do for you both. Create new memories with your new guy. You can still remember the good times with your ex, but also remind yourself he is your ex now.

It may take a while for you to find a sense of peace in your heart and accept that one relationship has ended and another has begun. We can not be in two places at the same time.

Wishing you well on deciding where you want to be and with whom.

Cheers from Mrs. D.

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi,

Sorry to hear of your struggle. I have an ex whose ex girlfriend could not let go and wanted to get back together. She rang him constantly and He was always there for her. He would not tell her her was seeing me as he didn't want to hurt her. What I found is that even though it may hurt her she was not going to move on if he was always available to her and did not make it clear he had moved on. Also, it was unfair on me, I felt like "the other woman". If there are lies etc between you and your ex I don't think that can foster a good relationship. Your new man sounds amazing and it sounds like a positive relationship which is what you deserve.

I do hope you find peace and happiness.

CMF x

So_stuck_and_sad
Community Member
Thank you everyone for your advise - to be completely honest I didnt expect to get much out of posting on here but I definitely have. The one thing that keeps me from moving forward is - Theres something about my ex that feels like home. I still feel a really strong connection to him. Which makes me wonder if that means that he is the one I am 'meant' to be with. At the same time I think if I was meant to be with him I wouldnt have found someone else so amazing. I am so scared these guilt / sad feelings will last forever. I know I am not over him but I am so desperate to move on and move forward with my new partner. Also, I know once my ex knows who my new partner is - he will never talk to me again and I will break his heart. I always picture him being lonely. I feel like I dont deserve either of them to be honest.

Hi S&S,

I think you answered your own question ' I know I am not over him...'.

Maybe you feel guilty because you moved on so quickly and because of who you move on with. I thought the same with y ex that he was my life, that we were meant to be but now that some time has passed I can see that all the negativity and sneakiness were not good and i certainly would not have wanted to be in a relationship with that. I see that much clearly now because i am not emotionally attached anymore.

You may break his heart, but he will get over it. The one who moves on first is more likely to feel guilty, especially if it soon after, just like my ex he felt guilty toward his ex because she couldn't let go, so kept everything a secret from her but how can a person move on if they think there is still a chance to reconcile?

Breakups are always hard, one wants to get back the other wants to to move on, we think should we try again, you have a history but if it wasn't working the first time, what will be different the second time? You're still the same people with the same habits and characteristics.

Maybe try and focus less on your ex and more on your new man who makes you so happy. He is very understanding, like I was, but you don't want to push that too far.

cmf

This is so hard 😞 I wish I knew the right answer. I wish I knew which path to take. I am so scared of failure and even more scared of breaking someones heart. I hate the thought of people being lonely.

So stuck and sad I have been there the one who has had someone leave for another. Trust me the person who mine left me for was the abusive one. That she regretted more than leaving me, plus I found someone better than her. She moved on found another again someone who treated right which is what you need not necessarily some one you sorry for.

Kanga