Struggling with work and parenting.

[manoody92]

Hi Everyone,

This is going to be a long post as I'm at my wits end, I have no one to vent to and I need outsiders opinions.

Ok, so I have a 22 month old gorgeous girl.
My husband insists I continue to work 2 days per week even though this means sending our daughter to childcare where she continues to get very ill and has had to be hospitalised 3 times in the last month due to different illnesses.

Because I only work part time I am then having to take the time off to look after her, which is now threatening my employment as I've had so much time off over the last 6 months.
This of course is taking a toll on my mental health and I am reaching breaking point knowing I am unable to work and look after our baby to my full potential.

After several discussions with my husband, he still insists I continue to work, and put our daughter in childcare.

This is simply just not working.
We are in a position where I know it isn't essential for me to work.
In his eyes if I am not contributing financially, I am not doing anything at all. He thinks I'll just sit at home all the time and do nothing (and yes, he has actually said that to me).

Yesterday, my daughter was so sick with fever she has a febrile seizure.
I called an ambulance, and I have never felt so sick in my life, my poor baby. This was the final straw for me.

How do I get through to my husband that this arrangement isn't working? And that I am contributing by being a full time mother to our gorgeous daughter? That I am not coping with working and sending her to childcare, and that it causes me horrendous anxiety?
I barely earn anything in my industry, and he earns excellent money.
I know we are financially ok, otherwise I wouldn't even consider this.

I just feel helpless, and like I am going to have to choose between my daughter or my job.

Advice/opinions would be much appreciated, I truly don't know what to do from here.

[manoody92]

Hi Terry,

Thank you for your comment.

I completely agree, our child’s needs should come first. I will be having the much needed talk with him tonight about everything.

My husband is a great man, he is loving and compassionate most of the time. But before I came along he was alone for a while and only ever had to worry about himself. I think he still isn’t used to having a family and is therefore very money orientated and believes if I’m not contributing financially than I’m pretty much useless. This attitude has to change in order for our relationship to survive. I’m at breaking point.

Hopefully after our chat tonight, we will come up with a solution. But to be honest I don’t think it will end well.

[Terry73]

it is good he still is a good man to you, it is just sad he doesnt put family first because work can be changed while family cant.

Tell him that by you stopping work, you can put full time into caring for the kids better, making life easier and better for all.

Well thats what I would suggest, and keep telling him that

I hope everything does go well for you,

Terry

[Summer Rose]

Hi Manoody92

Good luck. Please feel free to let us know how it goes.

[Juliet_84]

Hi manoody92,

Thank you for being open to listening to an alternate perspective. I think that whatever happens, you need to sit down with your husband and have a frank conversation. He needs to be open about what he’s feeling and why this is so important to him, it may be that he is afraid of shouldering the entire provider role or it makes him nervous, or it may be related to his upbringing and his work ethic. And I think that you need to sit down and talk about what’s going on with you rather than ‘building a case’. There’s no shame in saying you are not coping, and I think he may actually appreciate that more. If he is concerned that this is it for you working ever again, perhaps you could put a rough date on things to put his mind at ease.

Thw other thing is that sometimes when we are not coping or we’re depressed, we can blame one thing as it’s cause and focus on that. I did a similar thing, I have a serious medical condition and 4 years ago suffered a major stroke. I was working full-time at the time and attributed it to that and wanted to throw it all in. But in the end I found a job that was much more enjoyable and accommodating and I have actually felt it is so beneficial to my life. Even if you end up not working, please make sure that you get some time for you, whatever that may be.

[Croix]

Dear Manoody

Well, I hope you are wrong and he changes his mind after your conversation. Not everyone fits right into a family way of doing things at once and priorities do have to change, the most important being a desire to look after the other person. sometimes it takes a shock for this to come about.

Frankly it was helping look after the baby that made me see things from a new perspective. There is nothing like dirty nappies to be washed to change ones priorities (Yes I'm from a previous generation:)

Apart from trying to persuade him yourself ar there others in his life who could talk to him too?

Croix

[manoody92]

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for all of your helpful advice.

I spoke with my husband tonight, and I'm glad to say it didn't turn into a screaming match this time. He listened to what I had to say and I stayed strong. We have decided to go to counselling together and I will be ceasing work and pulling our daughter out of day care to focus on both her health and my mental health.

You have all been so understanding and I truly appreciate all of your comments and input into my situation.

I will surely stick around to offer the same support to all of you, and keep you updated on our progress.

I truly thank you.

[Croix]

Dear Manoody~

I'm really pleased things have worked out so well. It really is a win for your husband too even if he doe not recognize it straight away, a healthier child, your health plus a better relationship with you, and priorities in their right places.

It must have been hard to stick to your guns, but I guess you'll remember that for the future too 🙂

Croix

[Summer Rose]

Hi Manoody92

I'm so pleased with the outcome. Good on you for staying strong. I know that conversation couldn't have been easy, particularly as you've been feeling unwell.

The counselling is really important for your relationship and your family, so I encourage you to make it a priority.

I say this because I can imagine that you are still likely hurt and bewildered and he may be carrying some mixed emotions too. I feel it's important for you to get to the heart of why he feels the way he does about you participating in the paid workforce to ensure you don't end up resenting him or vice versa.

I wish you the best if luck for the future. Post any time.

[Terry73]

This is great news manoody, hope all things keep getting better for your whole family

Terry

[GoodWitch]

I followed this thread all the way through manoody and I'm so glad you were able to talk to your husband and more importantly he listened. So much of what you said triggered memories of what I went through when my kids were little and I was seriously angry with your husband for a while there lol. Counselling is a great idea and hopefully you'll work out what has caused this disconnect in ideas so you can sort it out.

Best wishes

GW